Hacked By The Brownies

Hello. we are so desperate to tell you about the 100 year anniversary of the Brownies that the girls have hacked this site (and in the process earnt their computer hacker badges). This weekend the local troop will be having a jumble sale in an effort to raise £250,000 for a bronze statue of Beckworth’s first Brown Owl, the late HRH Princess Margaret. The Princess founded our local troop in 1916 (just two years after the Brownies were first invented by the Suffragettes) as a way of helping the young girls get a vote and to stop them worrying about WW1s’ trench warfare and gout. See you at the jumble sale. Brown Owl


Strike Action

Hello. Apologies for the lack of updates on the site, this is due to the annual strike by the council’s IT department. This year’s strike has caught us on the hop as it’s occurred a couple of months earlier than normal (coincidentally at the same time as the world cup). This year staff are demanding one day working from home (not really feasible as neither of them have internet at home, although installing Sky is on their list of demands) and they want Friday afternoons off to enjoy both lunch time and happy hour in The Bear & Pumpkin pub. We’re hoping to go to arbitration, which may happen this week as England seem likely to be out of the world cup very soon. Sorry for the inconvenience, G. Grimsby. Mayor


(Above) Beckworth’s striking IT department are joined by sympathetic passers-by on the promise of free cakes and coffee if they mill about about and look vaguely menacing

This Weekend’s Fan Convention Postponed

Apologies all. This weekend’s News At Ten fan convention has been postponed as the scout hut has been double booked with local actress Helen Mirren’s hen do. I’ll let you know the new date when I have it. Gary Grimsby. Mayor


(Above) News At Ten’s Sir Terry McDonald OBE who was due to be signing autographs and selling merchandise in the scout hut this weekend

SCABs Take Centre Place In Queen’s Speech

Hello everyone. I’m not usually one to give myself a pat on the back, but this week I think I deserve one. All because her majesty HM The Queen has picked up a baton I created this time last year. I am talking about SCABs (Senior Citizens Against Bags) which, through bring and buy sales, sponsored fasts and occasional publicity stunts created such a ground swell of support that the Queen herself has told her Government to ban shopping bags. The World over! So what a roaring success for “grey power”.

I will continue to accept cash donations as shopping bags won’t be banned for a year or two and there’s probably still work to do. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh


(Above) Beckworth’s very own Prince Philip can hardly contain his delight on hearing that bags are to banned the world over

D-Day Re-Enactment This Friday

Dear all, just a reminder that this Friday the scouts and guides will be re-enacting, in real time, the D-Day landings. It’s seventy years to the day of this historical occasion and in remembrance regional scout leader Sir Bob-bob-bob-dib-dib-dib Geldof has trained his “troops” to perfectly act out the Allie’s beach landing on the school playing fields (weather permitting). It’s only taken 6 months rehearsing, but the boys and girls are now word perfect. The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be enthusiastically playing the Germans and it promises to be a moving day out for all the family.

See you “on the beaches.” Thanks Tony Grimsby, Group Scout Leader


(Above) The Patron Saint of Scouting, Sir Bob- D-Day Geldof

Pants Found By Helicoptor

Many thanks to all of you who have searched high and low for my missing lucky pants. I was going to look myself over the weekend but I got distracted watching a D-Day rehearsal by the scouts and brownies and ended up completely blotto in the inns of Beckworth, such is life. But I am happy to say that whilst i was toasting the boys and girls of World war II the Coast Guard found a very similar pair to mine on a pavement 50 miles from my home. It’s amazing what they can spot from a helicoptor. The pants aren’t actually mine but as they almost fit (they are very snug around my undercarriage) I’ll wear them anyway. So many thanks to Flight Commander Collins and his crew, and i’m looking forward to spending an evening in their officer’s mess. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

PS I’m still missing a balaclava if anyone finds one… Or a woollen hat will do


(Above) The pants found by the Coast Guard helicoptor

Found: Post Half Term Clue

Hello. PC Rozzer and I have just come back from a well-earned half-term holiday break at Centerparks to find we’ve been left another clue in the nefarious Stag Do Massacre case. We’d hardly had time to unpack when an observant street sweeper knocked on our door to say they’d found something of interest. PC Rozzer of course thought it was a juicy bone so was disappointed to find it was a discarded Fifty Year Old Baloon left on the pavement outside WHSmiths. The shop is currently cordoned off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad remotely destroy the balloon, as they believe it to be booby trapped. This “half term” clue, was obviously left by the Groom’s Uncle Ted who celebrated his half century before the stag night out went wrong and turned to murder. We’re guessing he wants to “come in from the cold” and join a witness protection programme after giving damning evidence against the rest of the 30 strong gang. And this is where you can help. Perhaps you know someone on the witness protection programme? Maybe you’ve stumbled on their true identity and want to blackmail them? Or perhaps, you like me, you just want to take a shower to remove all the suntan lotion from holiday? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case as we slowly get back into the swing of work. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.


(Above) The discarded and deflated “50 Year Old” Balloon