Local Undertaker Reaps Just Reward

Congratulations to local lad, 56 year old Terry Tottenham Jnr, who has been voted the UK’s cheeriest undertaker and won the prestigious Grin Reaper Award 2015. Mr Junior will now be entered into the jovial European Championships, where he has the chance of winning a solid chip-board coffin. So we wish him well with that. Interestingly Mr Terry is not the first Tottenham (of Tottenham and Arsenal Funeral Directors) to win and become the Grin Reaper. His dad, Terence Sr, won six times back in the heady 1970s when death rates were high and big money was being made by undertakers. Mr Senior would most likely have won a seventh time had his short life not been cruelly cut short by his rival Stuart “Stew Pot” Crystal-Palace (of Crystal-Palace Funeral Directors), in a notorious church yard brawl following a cremation. Good luck Terry. Gary Grimsby. Mayor
(Above) Undertaker Mr Junior Tottenham, winner of the Grin Reaper Award 2015

Apologies For The Substandard Eclipse Experience

Hello. I just wanted to apologise for the no-show of Dr Brian Cox today, he was apparently double booked to talk about sun and moon stuff on breakfast telly and didn’t tell us. Still at least Bill Oddie showed up to share his binoculars with us all. Though to be honest because of the dense smog over the pub car park there was nothing to see. And it didn’t even go dark. Or cold. But on a brighter note we did sell out of drinks and a dozen people had a boozy start to their day. It was like a foggy beach party. But without the sand. And the music. Thanks to all who attended, you made the weeks of organising almost worth while. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue


(Above) Today’s solar eclipse, with Bill Oddie in the bottom left, as seen earlier today

Come & Watch The Eclipse From Our Car Park

Tomorrow will be a wonderful day for fans of the sun, the moon and beautiful manly hair, because we’re expecting an eclipse at 8.30am over the pub car park and Dr Brian Cox will be giving us a running commentary. The doctor has promised to tell us all about eclipses and will be signing photos (at a cost) and selling dark sunglasses so we can look directly at the sun. The pub will be selling alcoholic drinks and bar snacks and entry to the car park is only £15 at the gate (no entry after 8.15 to avoid overcrowding). So bring the whole family and enjoy some Dr Cox sky watching. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue


(Above) An eclipse. Just like the one we’ll see tomorrow morning in the carpark

St Patricks Day Parade Postponed

Sorry but due to the floats being double booked and the Irish girl pipers all having flu today’s St Patrick’s Day Parade is being postponed until next Tuesday. Or if the girls are still unwell Wednesday. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Beckworth_St Patricks Day Parade

(Above) An artist’s impression of tomorrow’s postponed St Patrick’s Day Parade

Papa Dave Gives You More Inches Today

Oi. How do you fancy getting a mouth-watering deal for the woman you love? Cause you do!! To celebrate mum’s day, Papa Dave is offering 12″ inch delivered pizzas for the price of 10″. But hurry this offer is on for 2 hours only, between 12.15 and 2.30 today. So go on, give your old mum that little bit extra today. And while you’re at it why not treat the whole family to some standard size pizzas, we’re offering a free can of out of date Tango to anyone spending over £50. Cheers Papa Dave Strood. Papa Dave’s Pizzeria & Italian Cafe


(Above) A mother-ready 12″ Papa Dave pizza. Delicious

Mother’s Day Special

Hello you lucky peoples. Don’t forget this Sunday is your Mother’s Day and to make it extra special we will be opening 11 ’til 11 to service all the Mum’s we can. Your mother will be treated like a King at Knossos Kebabs and to any woman who can prove she has offspring we’re offering large donna kebabs for £11.99 each (whilst stocks last). After the success of last year’s Mother’s Day we are once again laying on entertainment that every mama will love, local Michael Buble tribute act Michael Ball will be singing all his hits, accompanied by his granddaughter Zoe on the spoons, in between making kebabs. This year we’ve got extra seats in our kebab shop so can sit 9 mums at any time, but any dads or sons and daughters will have to stand up. So maybe you come early and take-away (there’s a bench down the street). It’s not a day to be missed, so bring us all your mothers. And Grandmother. Khristos will see you Sunday.

Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs


Show your Mum you really love her and treat her to a kebab this Sunday

Celebrate The Patron Saint Of H2o’s Feast Day

Hello my flock. Tomorrow is the Feast Day of St Noah, the patron saint of water and we will be holding a memorial service in the morning at 7.15. During the mass we will be telling the story of Noah and the floods with many parishioners coming in couples and dressing up as the animals he rescued. Don’t worry if you can’t attend the wonderful aquatic service as I am asking people show their gratitude to Noah by overfilling baths and sinks, getting out hoses and water-logging gardens, blocking roadside drains, damning local rivers and streams to create mini floods all over the town and countryside. God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Celebrate Noah’s Day By flooding your home. Or someone else’s.

Local Tradition Under Judicial Review

Hello all. Just to let you know that due to an ongoing judicial review Beckworth’s Springtime tradition of Goat Rolling has been cancelled this year. Due to take place on Fool’s Hill on the third Saturday in March this will be the first time in 563 years that the event hasn’t taken place. Even practicing has been temporarily outlawed, with local police issuing a warning that anyone found in possession of a goat during March will be arrested and have their four-legged friend put down. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Mayor Gary Grimsby


Warning: Don’t roll your goat this month!