Local Residents Honoured In New Years Honours

Breaking Royal news just in… The Queen has just announced in a tweet that a number of Beckworth’s residents are to be honoured in the coming year. Local school dinner lady Victoria Wood is to be made a CBE for her services to school dinners and for tirelessly campaigning to reintroduce fried-food to children’s diets, lifelong Labour party member Reg Peshawar is to made an MBE, arms dealing multi-billionaire and disgraced ex-Conservative MP Timothy Leamington-Spa is to be made a life peer, Conservative donors Hilary Chelsea-Bridge, Lloyd Hedge-Fund, and Felicity Mikhaylov all receive well earned OBEs and local Liberal Democrat councillor Tiffanie Alcester is to be given a book-token for her services to Nick Clegg. I’ll keep you posted if i get more news… Happy New Year Christine Batley. Chief Honours For Sale Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Local CBE winning dinner lady Victoria Wood earlier today

Hogmany HogRoast

Hello. Just a quick note to let ticket holders know that our annual New Year’s eve Hog Roast & Roller Disco at the Blind Badger pub is being postponed until the end of January due to a double-booking with a top secret joint SAS and MI5 Christmas party. Apologies Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue


(Above) Last years hog roast was kindly supplied by local restauranteur John Torode

Boxing Day Riots

Seasonal news just in… Boxing Day wouldn’t be our favourite day of Christmas if shops didn’t have sales. Especially sales that cause us dedicated shoppers to queue for days in advance for. Who of us hasn’t foregone hanging a stocking for the kids, missed the Queen‘s speech or that lovely Christmas dinner with family to camp out and bag a bargain? These are minor sacrifices to make when you can get £20 off a discontinued TV or slightly soiled nighty on the 26th of December. Such bargain hunters, myself included, were out in force earlier today when our local 99pLand opened it’s doors at 3am to let lucky punters fulfill their wishes. The scene typically turned ugly, with a dozen or so tired shoppers fighting over the most wanted sale item, a partially opened box of  2012 One Direction crackers. But I am glad to say that after patiently waiting in line for 6 days and hospitalising an elderly couple yours truly triumphed. I can now settle down to enjoy a belated Christmas. Christine Batley. Chief Battling In The Boxing Day Sale Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Shoppers rush into 99pLand to grab some Boxing Day bargains

Best Ever Boxing Day Sale

In celebration of the Christian day of boxes your favourite discount store 99p Land will be going totally crazy and open extra early, at 3am tomorrow, for a one day “box” sale. Many sale items, marked with a wooden cross, will be two for £1.99 and lots more will be reduced to just 97p. Yes, just 97p for those essential everyday items in “damaged boxes” that you’ve waited all year to purchase… Everyday essentials such as hair nets, surgical stockings, Turkish cigarettes, face packs, out of date biscuits and dented pingpong balls. We’re open until 8 (closed for an hour at breakfast and lunchtime), so come on down immediately early tomorrow. But be warned: bargain hunters with an eye for a bargains had better come early as due to reduced stock we may sell out very quickly. Happy Damaged Box Day. Bim Gujranwala. Manager. 99p Land


(Above) Wooden crosses will denote all discounted sale items

Christmas Eve Midnight Mass

Dear flock. Just to remind you that tomorrow night’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 8.45pm and finishing by 10.15 so I can get home to watch the Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Special. Thank God that this year the council’s health & safety department have seen sense, and bowed to government pressure, over-turning their previous ruling that Christmas Eve Midnight Mass could only commence in daylight hours. Sadly church warden Noddy Holder is still off work due to suffering a frozen-shoulder but his “Slade Carol Singers” will be led on guitar by The Queen‘s own Brian May. He will also host a “Karaoke With Jesus & Mince Pies” session in the crypt on Christmas Day morning, which sounds like it will be a wonderful experience to behold. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

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(Above) Guitar legend Brian May, pictured earlier today whilst out shopping, will be playing at midnight mass

Gruesome Murder Clue Found In Plain Sight At Wax Museum

Hello. Great news for all those who have been following the horrific Stag Do Massacre case this year, probably the most important clue has just been found. And in the nick of time too… My bosses were on the verge of closing the case (as no body has yet been found) when I got a tip-off from some kids that they’d found a severed hand. As there was no time to lose PC Rozzer (my doggy assistant) and I took a gentle stroll in the rain to where the detached limb was last spotted. Lucky for us the clue was found in the waxworks museum, and so after paying the entrance fee we were able to spend a couple of hours larking about with effigies of the famous before getting down to detective work. We sealed off the crime scene, dusted for prints and took some very funny selfies shaking hands with the hand which we will put on instagram. It has a very strong grip and is very distinctive as it has a very thin wire bracelet wrapped around the wrist. After the anti-terrorist bomb squad have finished “making it safe” by blowing it up, we’ll be able to see if it’s a left hand, or right, or comes from a bloke or lady. It’s obviously connected to the Stag Do murder, but we’re not sure how. And that’s where you, Joe and Joanna Public, can help… Maybe you know someone with a criminal past or bad temper who has mislaid a hand and could be a murderer? Possibly you saw the owner of said palm and digits drop them in the museum whilst they looked around during a stag do? Or maybe you look like a waxwork of someone famous? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I are currently working reduced hours as we’re getting the station ready for Christmas but feel free to leave a message on the answer phone. I’ll keep you posted on further murder developments in between making paper chains and drinking mulled wine. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.


(Above) The most graphic clue yet has been found in the wax museum earlier today


Smoking Germans Get Into The Christmas Spirit This Weekend

Hello all. Just a reminder that this coming Saturday and Sunday Beckworth will be hosting the annual Christmas Smokers Fair in the Market Square with the added lure this year of a traditional Germanic ”Weihnachten” Christmas Fair lining the high street. It’s sure to be a wonderful weekend for smokers and sausage lovers of all ages so get your towels onto the supplied sun-loungers very early.

All the events will be held outdoors, with the exception of the marijuana smokers pottery classes, pipe-rack engineering and sauerkraut construction drop-in sessions which will be held discretely in a porta-cabin in the school playground.

The fairs are your once in a year opportunity to buy flavoured tabacco, nicotene patches, lighters and those poncey electric fags alongside seasonal Christmas decorations made from fragments of the Berlin Wall, Angela Merkel fairies to top your tree, Volkswagen car parts, used lederhosen and whatever else it is our German friends sell at Christmas.

Great news for all the family; the pubs will be open from 8am Saturday and stay open until 11.30 on Sunday night to cater for the expected influx of heavy drinking teutonic smokers.


Event’s during daylight hours include St Nick’s PC Grotto, (a smoking non-gender defined German speaking Santa will take presents from children to redistribute to the poor and needy of Frankfurt, or sell on the ferry back to Europe). There’s a smokers trivia pub quiz in the pub car park from 7pm, tug o’warPuffin’ Willy’s Steam Fair,  and a brand-new “Northern European smoke-themed” kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds. After dark things will get very festive with a mimed concert by Stereokicks on Saturday night and late on Sunday evening the duel crowning of Beckworth’s Smoker Of The Year 2014 and Beckworth’s German Of The Year 2014.

Given the failure in previous years to beat the world record for the most snuff-sniffers in one field we will instead aim to beat the record for the most Berliners in a stationary car (the current record is five which may prove hard to top).

Due to health and safety laws we are not allowed a lit bonfire during the fair but will have a large TV screen set up in the window of the undertakers showing a DVD of The Wickerman. For the public’s safety smoking and Bavarian bear-baiting will only be permitted in the designated areas furnished with ashtrays, spittoons and posters of England’s 1966 World Cup winning football team.

For the youngsters Flintlock Farm’s Mobile Petting Zoo will be setting up in a corner of the sports field and promise to show off some animals native to Deutschland (I’d guess that will include snakes, giraffes and tigers). The icing on the Christmas cake will be our very own Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors in the scout hut re-playing the 1914 Christmas Truce Football Match (as seen on TV), complete with trenches, goals and a barbed-wire strewn muddy pitch.

So see you all this weekend, Mayor Gary Grimsby

StereoKicks Switch On Christmas Lights For A Second Time

Hello all. Judging by all the emails, texts and letters of complaint i’ve received many of you have noticed that this week the high street has been plunged into darkness due to a power cut caused by the Christmas lights exploding. After many days of hard work, local electrician and ex-TV hostess, Dale Winton has repaired the chain of lights, which he found to have a blown fuse. As luck would have it our favourite ex-X-Factor hopefuls Stereokicks were passing by on there way to the job centre as the repair was finished and so switched on the lights for a second time whilst singing a couple of songs. Resourceful Mr Winton says he’ll be keeping some spare fuses in his pocket in case the lights blow again, and the numerous members of Stereokicks have promised to switch on the lights as often as needed, as they are a bit under-employed at the moment. What a kind offer. G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) The 22 members of Stereokicks happily line up to sign-on earlier today

New Ruling On Massage Parlours And Page 3 Models

News just in… New rulings passed down by the European Court Of Human Rights today will have far reaching repercussions to anyone in the sex-trade, artists models, page 3 stunners and workers in legit massage parlours. The court has passed a law that decrees that no one in the UK can be naked (or semi-naked, top or bottom) whilst in the presence of a working person, especially if that person is engaged in manual labour, as this would violate their human rights and probably make them blush. Initial outlines of the rule sates that clients having a massage will be instructed to wear coats and big jumpers whilst their masseur gets hands on and (semi-)nude models will have to pose under sheets or thick wool blankets. The rules on how strippers can “perform” is said to still be under review with a guide to follow in the new year. It goes without saying that naturists will only run fowl of this legislation if they try to enter a shop or workplace minus clothes or engage any street sweepers in conversation. I will of course keep you informed when I find out more about how this draconian new law will effect us all. Christine Batley. Chief No-More Nudes At Work Or In Shops Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Today’s court ruling could mean that in the future Nude Statues will also be required to cover up in public

Win Big & Join The Grittaratti

Hello. As a big Christmas treat for the residents of Beckworth, and in preparation of the expected winter snow and ice, your well respected and enterprising local council is offering bags of grit as the top prizes in it’s Yuletide raffle. Tickets only cost £1 each, minimum spend £5 per household, with all the money raised going towards getting the council offices redecorated and having the carpets cleaned. First place in the raffle is a big bag of grit, large enough to keep your prized driveway or pavement ice free for a day or two, three max). Second prize is a medium sized bag (enough to clear a short path for an afternoon) and third prize a little bag (enough to keep a bird bath ice free for a few hours). Last years’ grit winner Ricky Gervais was quoted at the time as saying “this is a life-changing win for me… No more slipping up and risking life and limb getting to and from my front door.” So get your skates on, buy some tickets and you too could having a life-enhancing gritty end to the year. Merry Christmas, G. Grimsby. Mayor


(Above) Enter the council raffle and this grit could be yours…