Parrots Of The Caribbean – Open Auditions

Hello. We are starting auditions next week for our first dramatic performance of 2014 and are looking for new talent. This could be you! For five nights around Easter we will be putting on an original musical loosely based on the film Pirates Of The Caribbean. But in a twist of pure genius all the characters are birds of paradise not pirates, so it’s been imaginatively titled Parrots Of The Caribbean. Written down the pub by local girls made good Dame Maggie Smith and Sir Judie Dench, with a little help from Andrew Lloyd Webber‘s younger brother Neville, our performances will be a world first. I’ve seen the script in passing and given it’s novelty value it’s very likely to transfer to the West End or Broadway… or even Hollywood. So this could be your stab at stardom! First time director Gordon Brown will be auditioning hopefuls from 7pm daily but come early as auditions are bound to be very busy… And if you have your own feathered costume please wear it. The lead parts have already been taken by key members of The Beckworth Players, daytime TV heartthrob Philip Schofield will play Jack SparrowHawk, but we will still need cast members for inconsequential non-speaking parts, the odd dance routine and to sell ice-creams in the interval. Auditions will be held in our rehearsal space above Chiswicks The Fishmongers and are open to anyone. But to be honest we’re really looking for extremely beautiful people, so if you’re a bit of a minger don’t waste our time. Mr Gordon says he wants to find the next Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus or at least I think that’s what he said, but I was texting at the time. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own tap shoes. See you Monday, Chico (producer)


(Above) Philip “Pip” Schofield excitedly tries on his new costume for the first time today

We Need More Fudge Says Heston

Dear all. I’m very pleased to say that about a dozen or so locals have made the effort to make fudge bricks for Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal’s “Fudgeworth” (model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge), but they’ll need a lot more to complete this mammoth task. “We’ve probably got enough so far to model the public toilets and maybe part of the abattoire ” Heston told me during a fag and beer break earlier today “But we’ll need all of Beckworth’s residents to make at least six kilograms each to get the model finished… And we’ve not got much time as I’ve a new telly series to start filming and my Dad wants to get back to his allotment and his ferrets.” So pull your finger out Beckworth, the father and son chefs can’t do this without your help and we want to be the next town on the confectionery world map. We’re up against stiff competition as Cadburys‘ are currently building a chocolate model of Birmingham, said to include a Dairy Milk exhibition centre, a Bourneville shopping precinct and even a Fruit & Nut job centre. Nestle are rumoured to have started laying out the “Quality Streets” of their model of York which will include a model of the minster made out of the toffees no one likes. So let’s crack on Beckworth, there’s not a moment to waste. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for people unsteady on their feet not dropping off fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel


(Above) Heston shows his dad Tony how to make his trade mark “smokie cabbage” fudge earlier today

Heston Blumenthal, & His Dad, Want Your Fudge

Dear all. I’m very excited to be able to tell you that at long last we have got planning permission to build “Fudgeworth” in the grounds of The Hill View Hotel. Fudgeworth, a model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge, is the brain child of local father and son chefs Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal, and is bound to become a big tourist attraction. But it’s a big building project and we need your help. Could you make fudge bricks, windows, doors etc? Maybe you’re a dab hand at making confectionery models of buses and trains. Or bridges? Or trees and hedges? If so, we need you to get baking (or however it is you make fudge. I wouldn’t know as it brings me out in a rash). For the next two weeks the chef duo will be building Fudgeworth, so please drop off your contributions at the hotel reception and Heston and Tony can get on with the hard graft of making the miniature village. There will be a grand opening when it’s finished, so watch this space, and we’re hoping to get Sue Perkins to do the honours (as she’s rumoured to have a sweet tooth and isn’t exactly publicity shy!). We are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so literally anyone with fudge making skills can drop off their handy work. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

Heston PLUS

(Above) Father and son chefs, Tony and Heston, raring to get stuck into building a miniature Beckworth in fudge

Nude Whistling & Shouting Championships This Saturday

Hello. This Saturday your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are honoured to be hosting the 26th International Festival Of Nude Whistling And Shouting, the first time the event has been held in the UK for over 25 years. The main attraction, besides the vintage steam fair and nude brass bands, will be the final rounds of the World Nude Vocalising Championships, with contestants from as far afield as North Korea, Iran and Sheffield taking part. Meryl Streep, representing the USA, will try to retain her title in the Naked Whistling and local lad Ray Winstone says he has been training hard in the hope of toppling Nude Shouter 2013 “Sly” Sylvester Stallone, who won the event for a record three years running. Sadly nude yodelling has been dropped due to the scandal at last years’ final (held in the Vatican City, Rome) which forced an intervention by riot police and the Pope‘s own bodyguards. My close friend Wayne, himself a semi-finalist, said the reaction was very heavy handed and out of all proportion to the minor fracas in the Sistine Chapel toilets. “Arresting Helena Bonham Carter, the runner-up, was an insult to the world of yodelling and damaging to the Vatican’s reputation” he told me in the bath afterwards. This year spectators of all ages are welcome, admission is free and the venue will be the sports field, or in the case of inclement weather, the scout hut. So come along and see men and woman of all ages make very loud noises in the buff. See you there, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists


(Above) The Pope blissfully unaware of the yodelling fracas occurring in the toilets behind him meets a member of the public who’s disguised as a ghost 

Escaped Tiger On The Loose

Hello. I don’t want to panic anyone but this is an official public health warning: Please be aware that one of our tigers has escaped!! What should have been a routine trip back to the zoo for Nero (the tiger in question) took a turn for the worse when a sudden mini hurricane blew the side off his wooden cage. Nero was being transported on the back of a truck when the wind “rattled his cage”, throwing both onto the pavement whereupon the cage broke open and Nero “ran” off. The wind was so strong it forced the poor tiger down Beckworth high street, past a crowded bus-stop and out into the countryside where he was last spotted “looking bewildered” as he sped across a muddy field full of sheep. We are very concerned about him as he has never been out on his own before and may well be anxious. So we need your help him tracking him down… Nero is easy to spot, he is the size of a small horse, look’s like a striped orange cat and has large claws, which have only just been manicured, hence the journey on the truck. Although tiger poses little threat to human life the (he was stuffed last year) it’s best to be careful and the zoo urges members of the public not to approach Nero. He may look cute but his claws and teeth are very sharp… and he has fleas. If you do see him please contact us, or the police, and text photo’s so we can verify it’s Nero. We don’t want to waste our time chasing other tigers, especially scary live ones! Thanking you. Timothy Thetford. Head Zookeeper. Crewbury Zoo and Aquapark.


(Above) Nero’s cage pictured after he’d broken out and run off earlier today

Unique Valentine’s Gift Left On Lawn

Hello all, this morning I can for once share happy uplifting news with you. Local resident, and keen collector of hammers, Gilbert Barnstable has today given his wife a unique Valentine’s gift. A tank made out of flowers. “The missus was pleasantly surprised when she drew back the curtains today” Mr Barnstable is quoted as saying “Normally she just finds foxes crap on the lawn but this morning she found a scale model of a Sherman tank made entirely of plastic flowers… It almost brought a tear to her eyes, but she said it was just dust!” Mr Gilbert explained it took him 6 months to make in his shed and he got the idea when watching a documentary about the anniversary of World War One “Me and the missus are big fans of warfare and love weapons, especially tracked vehicles like tanks. So i thought i’d combine celebrating the start of the Great War with giving flowers to her indoors on valentines day” What a thoughtful husband Mr Barnstable is. By the way, the beautiful tank can currently be seen outside the Barnstables’ house but hurry as the police are threatening to have it removed for inciting racial hatred amongst their neighbours. I’ll let you know if I have more news on this wonderful story… Christine Batley. Chief Flowers On Valentine’s Day Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) The flower tank described as racially dangerous by the police

Wear a Feather In Your Hat Today

Hello my flock. As you probably know today is the Feast of St Norris and we will be holding a memorial service today at 11. All are welcome and remember to wear feather in your hat in celebration of Norris. The service will reflect on his humble syphilitic life, his kind deeds to birds and tireless service to his home town of Bognor Regis, which he kept clean of guano with his bare hands. Norris died at the age of 32 after a protracted pustulous illness and was buried at the bottom of the town’s well as was customary in the 15th century. Upon hearing of his passing the pox-riddled Pope (Jeremy XI) canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl and declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” The latter we will perform after we’ve had tea and biscuits post service. So see you later this morning sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths


(Above) A church goer remembers it’s St Norris’s Day and wears a feather in his cap

Sex Therapist’s Open Day

Hello. Just to let you know that this Friday our local sex therapy clinic will be throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. Those job-seekers who attended the abattoir and prison open-days last year will know it’s likely be a real eye opener and a thrilling day out for all the family (although it is aimed at doleites everyone is indeed welcome). The clinic is internationally famed for being at the forefront of “sexual healing” catering for individuals, couples and larger groups (they offer a discount for 6 or more people). It’s popularity has meant it’s become a magnet for oddballs with hang-ups and disfunctions “downstairs” and put Beckworth on the sexy problem map. “People come from all corners of the globe, from Spain to Scunthorpe, to be sexually councelled by the mustachioed counsellors Barry and Paul Chuckle” a regular client from the world of showbiz told me. I’ll be going as I’m desperate to know what it’s like to have problems with sex. My only problem is not getting enough!!! So why not join me from 9am on Friday and watch the Chuckle brothers as they cure people in front of our eyes, maybe we’ll see someone famous getting their “Mr Floppy” seen to. Their receptionist Joanna Lumley says the brothers are promising to have something for everyone, including therapy sessions, group “role play” (kinky!) and “hands-on” demonstrations which i’m keen to help out with. There’s also bingo in the afternoon and “pin the penis on a pervert” for the under fives. It really will be magical, so see you there.

More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus


(Above) The Chuckle brothers discussing one of their highly confidential sex therapy cases whilst dressed smartly on a visit to their Mum’s house

This Saturday We’re Hosting A Must See For All Hardcore Jedward Fans

Just to let you know that Beckworth’s very own Jedward tribute band, Deadward, will be performing this Saturday night. The gig is a much anticipated warm up for their appearance later this month at The 3rd International Jedward Tribute Act Competition in Coventry. The members of Deadward, father and nephew Gary and Barry Chester, are taking time off from their day jobs at the crematorium to take their act to the competition. “The boys are very excited about representing Beckworth in the hotly contested ‘New Jedward Tribute Act’ catagory” said band manager Michael McIntyre over a few pints last night “and if they can stay sober long enough to get up on stage they may be in with a chance of getting a medal… or whatever it is you can win.” So come and give Deadward your support at their warm-up this weekend. Tickets are only £25 each and on sale now from the Macadamia Hall box office and the crematorium.

Yours Terence Eccles. General Manager, The Macadamia Hall


(Above) Gary and Barry Chester of the band Deadward photographed at work last week whilst “helping Police with their enquiries”

Funky Prince Announces One Off Gig

Hello all, i’ve been bursting to tell you all but sworn to secrecy until today because the diminutive Prince has chosen The Blind Badger to play a one off gig to launch his CD and try out his backing band. Yes, funky Royalty will be playing in our back room this Friday from 8.30. He will be playing tracks from his album “Purple Reign” which includes songs by Chas & Dave, the Beatles and Coldplay. The Prince, who likes to go incognito using the English sounding name Eddie Windsor, told me over the phone “My favourite song on the album is a cover of my namesake Prince’s Raspberry Beret. It was seeing him on YouTube that gave me the idea of launching a singing career. I’d been looking for a goal in life for sometime and singing and dancing fitted the bill. Mama says I was born to perform and I haven’t found a macho role like the one’s my brothers have created for themselves… Andrew likes to fly helicoptors, Charles talks to trees and Anne is very close to his horses” So come and give your support to Prince Eddie as he tread the boards for the first time this Friday. Tickets are a steal at £12 and as an added incentive out-of-date Twigletts are half price. Resident DJ Diddy David Dimbleby will be spinning the tunes at his late night disco, so see you there. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Beckworth_Prince William Singing

(Above) Prince Edward “rock’s out” during rehearsals in a pretend forest earlier today