The (Possible) Inventor Of Bubble-Wrap Due To “Pops” His Clogs… Probably

Breaking potentially sad news…. Reports have been flooding in that local man Duncan Bubbles, the probable inventor of Bubble-Wrap, is very ill and has taken to his “death” bed. But in a spooky twist we’ve just had a fax from his talented nephew, Michael Buble (Real name: Mickey Bubbles), saying reports of his death are a bit premature. “He does have a poorly foot and is a bit stressed by the ongoing Human Rights court case over who actually invented Bubble-Wrap (two Americans claim they did in the 1960s), but apart from that he’s fine” Get well soon Mr Bubbles. Christine Batley. Chief Packaging Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckwort_BubbleWrap Coffin

(Above) As per his final wishes Mr Bubbles will be buried in a splendid “coffin” of his own making

Local MP To Lobby Parliament Over UK’s Expected Population Explosion

Breaking political news just in…. Our heroic local Tory MP Tristan Carshalton-Beeches has announced he is to lobby Parliament with a radical solution to the UK’s increasing population. Just yesterday a report was published that reckons in the next twenty years our population will expand by 26.75% to about 95 million, and by 2050 our small proud island will be home to over 200 million. All of it down to non-English speaking migrants moving here to claim benefits, take our homes and to breed like rabbits on the national health. Mr Tristan says “Frankly it’s time to draw a line in the British seaside sand and tell Monsieur Johnny, Joanna & Junior Foreigner enough is enough…” In a packed press conference he told assembled journalists and his mother his plans to save our country. “England is like an island, or an old boat.” He told the enraptured audience of five “It has a finite capacity and we are fast approaching the point where we our dear country will sink due to over-crowding. With all us Christians on board. Without inflated life-jackets. Like the Titanic did.” Mr Carshalton-Beeches pointed out that “If the Titanic had had less foreigners onboard, and had lifeboats, it’s population would have survived running into an iceberg.” He showed us cartoon diagrams and went on “We too are blindly running into that iceberg. An immigration iceberg. But I alone can see it approaching. Silently. Like a frozen killer. So my idea is to have lifeboats. And not metaphorical ones. Real one’s for genuine English people to hire that will set sail for dry land before we all drown. I want to buy, or lease, land abroad. Lots of it. Preferably somewhere hot, with a local population we can lord it over. I will set aside plots to house us fleeing British billions and create communities on foreign soil of English speakers. With English pubs and curry houses and things to remind us of home. When it was still good. We can then leave the “old” broken country to all these migrants who are so b****y desperate to come here…” He would have gone on but worked himself up into a frenzy and had to be stretchered off. Mr Tristram was muttering something about creating a pure race in God’s country but we couldn’t catch it all as he was frothing at the mouth. Good luck to Mr Tristram and all who sail with him. Christine Batley. Chief Save Our Country From Foreign Invasion Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_Brit On Sand

(Above) Tory MP Tristan Carshalton-Beeches drawing a line in the sand earlier today

Local Lass Avoids Eviction On The Apprentice. Again.

Congratulations once gain, to local entrepreneur and female impressionist Leslie Warwick as she’s now survived four episodes of the frankly tedious The Apprentice. She was forced by Lord Al Sugar to be team leader this week and, as her team lost the “crap for pets” task by quite some margin, she faced a grilling in the board room. But once again Leslie survived. An exasperated producer described her as being like Teflon as she has some very “useful information” on fellow contestants and judges. Hence she is through to the next round on her way to winning the series. Good luck to Ms warwick, she is certainly brightening up the programme with her colourful language and physical bullying. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

The Apprentice 2015

(Above) A laid-back Leslie Warwick taking little notice of the judges in the boardroom

Police Allow Trick Or Treating To Go Ahead

Hello. I’m very pleased to announce that for the first time in years trick or treating is to be tolerated in Beckworth this Halloween night. You may remember that it was banned due to year on year increases of muggings by under 10s on the town’s population. A compromise has been reached whereby youths will be accompanied door to door by armed riot police and not allowed to look, or act, too scary. I trust this will enhance everyone’s enjoyment of all-hallows eve. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.

Beckworth Halloween Police

(Above) Police getting ready for Saturday night’s trick or treating

Last Few Days To Enter The Halloween Costume Competition

Remember all entries must be in by 11o/c Friday to give our Halloween judging panel, chaired by Take That singer and fancy dress-shop owner Mark Owen, chance to choose the winners of the 2015 Beckworth’s Best Halloween costume. There are two levels, under 18s and adults, so give it a go… Good luck. Christine Batley. Chief All Hallows Eve Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Take That Present: The Circus Tour Live - Rehearsals

(Above) Halloween costume judge Mark Owen cycling to work earlier today

Ex-Beckworth SchoolBoy Wins Chinese Nobel Peace Prize

Good afternoon, Wonky Windsor here with some splendid information for you. During his recent UK holiday, to stay with his best friend David Cameron, the King Of China Xi Jinping forgot to announce the winner of his country’s “Nobel” peace prize. But he’s just remembered and faxed the 2015 results through to my home. Imagine my delight that fellow ex-Beckworth School pupil (and in his day head boy) Robert “Bobby The Bobster” Mugabe was the well deserved winner. Mr Bobster, always humble in victory, is said to be delighted and is quoted on the fax as saying “This is one in the eye for all my imprisoned critics. Now if anyone says i’m not peaceful, I have proof that I am. And I will have them shot. Immediately”. The magnanimous Mr Bobby Mugabe is the latest in a long line of noble China peace prize winners and he follows in the graceful footsteps of such luminaries as Vladimir Putin, Fidel Castro, Joseph Stalin, Manuel Noriega, Attila The Hun, and Margaret “Maggie” Thatcher. Congratulations to Robert and to the Mugabe family who still own a butchers shop on the outskirts of town. Yours Sir T.T. “Wonky” Windsor. President. Beckworth School Old Boys


(Above) A clearly delighted Bobby Mugabe clutches his well deserved plastic Chinese peace prize earlier today

Far East Investment In Our Local Nuclear Power Plant Announced

I am delighted to announce that after a decade of trying to find an investor to pay for repairs to Beckworth’s leaky old nuclear power station, the Russian owners of the plant have today announced one has been found. Last month the owner, Putin Power PLC, hinted an investor was being courted in the far East, which led all eyes to fall on King Of China Xi Jinping when he visited England last week. So imagine our surprise when he failed to announce his intention to invest. Thank goodness the Russians are well connected and at the last minute have found an investment partner in Kim Jong-un, the handsome young leader of North Korea. Mr Un is said to be a huge advocate of all things nuclear and thrilled to get control of a slice of the UK’s nuclear capabilities. Good luck to Mr Kim and all at the power plant who’s jobs are now safe. Or at least as safe as they can be working at a faulty old nuclear facility. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce


(Above) The latest investor in UK nuclear power, Kim Jong-Un

Local Lass Avoids Eviction On The Apprentice

Congratulations to local businesswoman, and female impressionist, Leslie Warwick as she’s survived three episodes of The Apprentice. She was fortunate not to have been dragged into the board room this week. Especially after being described as a “dead weight trannie who lost us the task” by the team leader and given a severe dressing down by Lord Al Sugar for buying a punctured second-hand rubber-dinghy for £8000. A source told me that Leslie has “dirt” on most of the contestants, and the judges, which should help her to sail through the rounds and win the series. Good luck to local lass Leslie, she makes this tired old programme well worth watching. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

The Apprentice 2015

(Above) Apprentice wannabee Leslie Warwick takes single-handedly losing the day’s task in her stride

Why Are The Clocks Changing Again Prof Cox?

Hello all, Prof Brian Cox here. Once again, and I do mean again, I am using my brain that that’s the size of a planet to answer your repeatedly tedious questions. I’m a patient, yet extremely busy, celebrity doctor with gorgeous hair aiming to improve your humdrum lives, but please stop trying to elicit the same b****y information from me. At this time of year I can be certain that some k**b will ask me why do leaves go brown, is it time to put the central heating on or why do the clocks change? I got asked the latter just yesterday by one of my foreign celebrity fans, Xi Jinping, the King of China who I met at a boring function in London. On being introduced to me he failed to bow or even mention how great my hair looked, which put me in a bad mood. Then, to add insult to injury, he got me to sign an Ultravox 12″ single. Even though I’d said I was in Tears For Fears. Anyway, I told him in no uncertain terms, as i’m telling you, please make the effort to read my fact filled blog entry (on this site) about the b****y clocks changing, as I only wrote it two years ago. It’s all there and i’m in no mood to repeat myself. ‘Nuff said. The king looked a bit crest-fallen when I had to rush off and leave him, but I had an important engagement to play croquet with my new best friends The Duke & Duchess of Cambridge and David Cameron. No doubt i’ll be back answering your insipid queries soon, so keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.

Beckworth_Xi and Cox

(Above) The King of China tries to tell a disgruntled Dr Cox a funny story about a large fish he’d once caught

Allen Key Celebrations

Hello all. Just a reminder that due to the success of last years’ Allen Key Centenary Celebrations we are doing the same again this year. Tomorrow afternoon Floyd Street will be partially closed to allow descendants of the Allen and Key families to sing allen key based songs from a stage made of old pallets. They’ll also give away allen key shaped balloons they had left over from last year and be selling souvenirs made from recycled allen keys. The families also hope to break the Guinness World Record for the most allen keys in one place. Once again the big draw will be the rarely seen original Allen Key Display team, reforming for the day, they hope to wow crowds with their death defying allen key based stunts. Unfortunately we’re unsure if their famed leader Michael Crawford will be taking part as he has a cold. For the full story on local lock-smiths Cyril Key and Norris Allen world famous invention please see my blog from 21 October 2014. So come on down, and bring your allen keys for the record attempt. Yours Gary Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council

Beckworth_Allen_Key_Celebrations Oct 2015

(Above) One of Allen and Key’s descendants demonstrates an allen key in the family’s private Allen Key Museum