A Sweet Model Railway Plea

Dear all. After a rather quiet few months i’m very pleased to say that Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and his son Heston Blumenthal are at last back working on their enormous “Fudgeworth” model village (a scale model of Beckworth made entirely of fudge). But having tired of just making accurate buildings and people out of the sugar-derived building material the celebrity chefs have set their sites on something really mind-blowing. Heston’s Dad told me over a few shandys “we want to mobilise the miniature inhabitants of Fudgeworth and the real people of Beckworth by building a sit-on model railway around the town. Made of toffee.” Between pints he added “But we need all of Beckworth’s residents to stop being so lazy and move their lardy a***s into their kitchens… They need to make at least twenty-five kilograms of toffee each to get this part of the model finished in time for Christmas 2018. Or the year after”… So let’s get baking Beckworth, Heston and his Pa need you. And as we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access and newly-painted fire extinguishers there’s no excuse for differently-abled residents and the unemployed not personally delivering toffee. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

Heston&Tony_Fudge

(Above) Creative chefs Heston and Anthony practicing constructing a toffee train

Fudgeworth, Two Years On…

Dear all. I’m very pleased to announce that Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and his son Heston Blumenthal have almost finished another part of their mammoth “Fudgeworth” model village (of Beckworth made entirely of fudge). They’ve made a great many models in the past 24 months but need a few thousand fudge bricks to complete the high street and Sainsco supermarket. Then they will be able to open to the fee paying the public, who I am sure will flock from far and wide to visit the sweet smelling sticky attraction. Heston told me during a long pungent toilet break earlier today that he and his Dad need all of Beckworth’s residents to make at least seven kilograms of fudge each to get this part of the model finished in time for Easter. Or summer… So get baking Beckworth, the celebrity chefs need you. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for differently-abled residents not personally delivering fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

Heston&Tony_Fudge

(Above) Father and son fudge-builders Tony and Heston

It’s Fudge Time. Again

Dear all. Once again it’s time to get in the kitchen and get cooking. No, i’m not talking about the imminent arrival of Bake Off, i’m reaching out as our local Father & son “builders” Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal still need your help. The pair have moved onto phase two of “Fudgeworth” (the model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge) following the successful, yet low key, opening of phase one and need 750,000 fudge bricks to build a scale model of the local mosque and scout hut with playing field. So ladies and gents and children of Beckworth, this summer let’s forgo holidays and get making more fudge. An emotional Tony told me over a few brandys in the hotel bar “That if each of Beckworth’s residents made at least eighteen kilograms of fudge per day for the next six weeks, and then volunteered to help with the build, they could get probably get phase two finished in time for when the schools reopen in September… Or failing that next Easter.” So listeners, the gauntlet has been thrown down. Will you pick it up (figuratively speaking). Please help tearful Tony, and his son Heston, as they can’t do this job without your help. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for lazy people (who like to get filmed for channel 4) not dropping off fudge or helping with the brick laying. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

Heston-PLUS-150x92

(Above) Father & son chefs need your help…

Fudge: One Year On

Dear all. On behalf of local father and son chefs Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal may I thank everyone who has made fudge bricks for them over the last 12 months. The chefs are now very close to opening “phase one” of “Fudgeworth” (a model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge) to the public and this has been down to your help and the enthusiasm of the duo, have done all the building themselves without the use of outside contractors or heavy plant equipment. But it’s a big building project and we still need your help. Please continue to make fudge bricks, windows, doors etc and models of people, buses, cars and trains. And animals. We are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for anyone with fudge making skills not dropping off their confectionery work. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

Heston&Tony_Fudge

(Above) Tony and Heston hard at work in the kitchen making confectionery building materials earlier today

Mother’s Funeral

Dear all, I have sad news to share. My popular mother, widower Celia Luton, passed away on the 38 bus earlier this week, and she will be buried next Thursday at St Faiths. Due to her dying on public transport it is down to the council to arrange transport for her journey from the bus depot to the church (I believe they have a converted “hopper” bus for such solemn occasions). As you’ll know my dear mother was a hobbiest inventor and the world would be a poorer place without her many useful everyday extending items. The telescopic selfie stick and telescopic bus pass holder her best known. Mum will be buried according to her final wishes in a coffin of her design. The telescopic coffin she recently patented, and had shown on Dragon’s Den, will increase in length from 5′ 6″ to 25′ during her send off service, and need 16 council-supplied pallbearers (bus drivers) with a forklift to lift into her long grave. Many thanks, Sandy Luton

Beckworth-Coffin2

(Above) Mrs Luton lying in state at the bus garage in her patented telescopic coffin (shown partially extended earlier today)

Let’s Celebrate Toffee & Fudge Week

Dear all. As you probably know this week (10 – 16 Nov) is International Toffee & Fudge Week, when the whole world celebrates our favourite sugar based confectionary. The best way to honour our great British caramelising tradition is to visit very own part-built “Fudgeworth” (the model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge). The site’s “builders” Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and son Heston Blumenthal’s hope to finish the plague-victim’s graveyard in time but still need another 363,268 fudge bricks. So ladies and gents and children of Beckworth let’s get making more fudge. As an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access there’s no excuse for anyone on benefits not dropping off fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

Heston-PLUS-150x92

(Above) Tony and son Heston take a rare break from brick laying with fudge

 

Fresh Fudge Appeal

Dear all. It’s time to get back in the kitchen and help our local “builders” Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal’s to finish the first phase of “Fudgeworth” (the model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge). Phase one of the project is near to completion, the sewage works, council estate and drive through McDonalds look very realistic but the father and son team still need another 500,000 fudge bricks to finish building a scale model of the nuclear power plant. So ladies and gents and children of Beckworth let’s get making more fudge. An imploring Tony told me over a shandy in the hotel bar “That if each of Beckworth’s 5000+ residents to made at least five kilograms of fudge per day for a week they could get the eastern end of the scale  village finished in time for Christmas… Or New Year” So please help Tony and his son Heston, as they can’t do this job without your help. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for lazy people on benefits not dropping off fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

Beckwort_fudge_brick

(Above) A fudge brick as wanted by Tony and son Heston

Hoax Fudge Causes Subsidence In Model Village

Dear all. I’ve more sad news regarding Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal’s “Fudgeworth” (the model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge). The project is near to being a third complete, but this week the father and son food builders noticed that the already completed model of the public toilets was collapsing. They thought it was caused by leaking fudge model toilet but further investigation revealed that the foundation fudge bricks they’d used were fake and actually made of Caramac, which had melted in the heat bringing the structure down. A very upset Heston has told me “Who would do such a wicked thing as supply Caramac bricks? Now we’ll have to demolish the loos and rebuild them, putting the project at least 3 weeks behind schedule.” Through the tears he added “And we still need each of Beckworth’s 5000+ residents to make at least two kilograms of real fudge per day to get the whole model village finished… which we hope to do before the August bank holiday.” So please help the the father and son chefs, they can’t do this without your help. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for lazy people on benefits not dropping off fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

Beckworth_Caramac

(Above) The Caramac at the centre of the fake brick scandal

Church Targeted By Mindless Vandals

Dear all. I’m very sad to say that Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and his son Heston Blumenthal’s “Fudgeworth” (model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge), has been vandalised. “It’s really galling” said Tony “We were really close to finishing the model of Sainsco’s supermarket and I only nipped off site to have a quick Jimmy Riddle behind a tree. My son Heston was in the kitchen making a fudge model of some shopping trolleys and the mindless thugs came and trampled on the church.” “It was was of the best bits” chipped in Heston “As we’d made a bestman and groom standing outside having a fag whilst they waited for the bride to show up” Unfortunately the CCTV is on the blink so we’ve got no idea who could have desecrated Fudgeworth but the Police have been informed. One ray of sunshine in amongst today’s clouds is that Tony and Heston have applied for an art’s council grant to fund the completion of the project and they tell me they are quietly confident “More people will want to see our art than a messed up bed” said Tony “Or half a shark in a big tank of water” added Heston. In the mean time let’s crack on and repair what’s been lost. Please continue to make your fudge bricks and toffee mortar we couldn’t do this without you. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for people unsteady on their feet not dropping off fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

Beckworth_Heston_Upset5

(Above) A very upset Heston and Tony (just out of shot) earlier today

We Need More Fudge Says Heston

Dear all. I’m very pleased to say that about a dozen or so locals have made the effort to make fudge bricks for Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal’s “Fudgeworth” (model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge), but they’ll need a lot more to complete this mammoth task. “We’ve probably got enough so far to model the public toilets and maybe part of the abattoire ” Heston told me during a fag and beer break earlier today “But we’ll need all of Beckworth’s residents to make at least six kilograms each to get the model finished… And we’ve not got much time as I’ve a new telly series to start filming and my Dad wants to get back to his allotment and his ferrets.” So pull your finger out Beckworth, the father and son chefs can’t do this without your help and we want to be the next town on the confectionery world map. We’re up against stiff competition as Cadburys‘ are currently building a chocolate model of Birmingham, said to include a Dairy Milk exhibition centre, a Bourneville shopping precinct and even a Fruit & Nut job centre. Nestle are rumoured to have started laying out the “Quality Streets” of their model of York which will include a model of the minster made out of the toffees no one likes. So let’s crack on Beckworth, there’s not a moment to waste. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for people unsteady on their feet not dropping off fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

Heston&Tony_Fudge

(Above) Heston shows his dad Tony how to make his trade mark “smokie cabbage” fudge earlier today