Congratulations To The Peoples’ President Of The USA

Good early afternoon to you all. I’m sure I speak for us all when I send my heartfelt congratulations to Sir Donald Trump, who has won a landslide victory to become the next (and probably most successful) President of The USA. And he did it in defiance of the biased Clinton owned US media who tried to paint him as a racist loon. But he humbly went out and won all of the US voters hearts, and all the World’s to, who saw he was a genuinely talented honest rich man. What a splendid year we are having, first Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, then we have Brexit and now we’ll have a real deal-maker and peace keeper in the White House. On a personal note I hope to meet  Sir Donny, as he likes his staff to call him, when he opens his first UK shop here in Beckworth. Planning-permission must surely now be given for him to build a branch of his successful equestrian equipment and hair-piece superstore, Stirrups & Syrups, in the grounds of Beckworth Castle. Congratulations to the USA for voting the right way. Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

PS I’ve heard on the grapevine that Mr Trump has informally promised to invite “hair styling expert” Prof Brian Cox to the Oval Office to give him hairstyle advice

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(Above) A jubilant President Trump celebrates his win with a “new” hair style

Planners Say An Emphatic Yes! Yes! To New Factory

Good morning to you all. The Beckworth trade guild are delighted to announce that planners have approved the demolition of the 12th century Slocombe Priory to make way for a new factory, creating dozens of jobs locally for the expected influx of foreign workers. The new manufacturing site will be built and operated by Paxmans to build their popular “personal hygene” products, in particular their best selling “Vag-O-Vac” and must have “3-speed vibrating “hair” trimmer with genital massager” the Yes! Yes!. A spokesperson for the company said that tax breaks and bribes had incentified the move from China and they were gagging to get started as the UK market for “sexual hygene” was potentially huge. We at the guild are thrilled that Beckworth and it’s environs are at the forefront of a new “adult-orientated” industrial revolution, all thank’s to enlightened Tory policies. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

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(Above) The world famous Yes! Yes! as advertised on daytime TV and in downmarket newspapers is soon to be made near Beckworth

International Show Venue Change

Hello all. Just to let you know that this years’ much anticipated International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show has been moved due to the original venue, the village hall, having been double booked with an absorbing exhibition of victorian inflatable sex dolls. No stone has been left unturned in finding a new site for the prestigious garden accessory show and I am thrilled to announce that it will now be held in a garage round the back of the health food emporium (once the owner has had a tidy up and removed her car). This is the 13th year that Beckworth is hosting the IWAGSS and it will be opened on Monday at 6.30am by green fingered hose-users, David and Victoria Beckham. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

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(Above) David and Vicky Beckham arrive early to rehearse opening the International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show

Local Society Needs Your Help In It’s Bid To Put First Lesbian Into Space‏

Dear all. You are all cordially invited to tonight’s inaugural meeting of the “Campaign To Thrust Local Lesbian Valerie Portslade Into Orbit.” For years Valerie has been a tireless advocate of getting female homosexuals into space but so far NASA, the Russians and Chinese have not been responsive. Hence why she’s decided to do it herself “We’ve had gay men riding in rockets, bi-sexuals on the space shuttle but no lesbian has even got as far as ground control. It’s blatant discrimination. Even straight cross dressers like Eddie Izzard have a greater chance than dykes of getting onto a space station. So I’m going to do this for pillow queens everywhere, even if it kills me!” Valerie already has dozens of supporters and we’re all meeting in the snug of The Gay Hussar pub at 8.30 tonight after Eastenders. We will be primarily looking for local businesses to sponsor Val and her rocket, and we’ll also need fund raising ideas as rocket launches and fuel cost a lot of money. But at least we’ve already got a rocket (a second hand Korean one which we bought cheap off ebay), so that large outlay has already been taken care of. We’ll also be looking for a lucky lady to act as Valerie’s “last minute stand-in” just in case she can’t get time off work from the butchers to become the World’s first sapphic astronaut, so come along and put your name in the hat. Everyone is welcome tonight, whether gay, straight or bi-curious, but lesbians are of course most welcome. Yours Sylvie Stoke. Co-Chair Lady. The Beckworth Lesbian And Gay And Bi-Sexual Society ( BLAGABSS )


(Above) BLAGABSS’s recently purchased ex-Sputnik space rocket