Remembrance Sunday Service Tomorrow

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that, due to unforeseen circumstances, tomorrows’ Remembrance Day Parade and Service will start slightly later than scheduled… I’m sorry but it was either that or lead proceedings such as solemn wreath laying dressed as a nurse (the Bishop is having a fancy dress party tonight and i’m staying over with many of my C of E colleagues, so i’ll need time tomorrow to get home and change before leading the parade and then giving my must-hear moving sermon). I’m sure you understand that the gravity of the day precludes having a vicar dressed as a naughty nurse leading the remembrance. God Bless. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

PS Just in case, does anyone know any good hang over cures?

Egg-Citing Easter Services

Good afternoon my flock. I am so sorry to have missed all the Easter events thus far, due to overdoing the sauce on Maundy Monday and being laid up all week (hangovers truly are the devil’s work)… But I am now feeling egg-ceptionally well refreshed now and ready to take the reins of this evening’s fancy dress Easter Bunny family service… And the egg-cellent news keeps coming as our cancelled annual multi-faith Good Friday Easter egg hunt will now take place tomorrow at 2pm so please bring lots of chocolate eggs! So please join me at Christ’s home this evening and tomorrow. Happy easter one and all, God Bless. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Midnight Mass This Afternoon

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that, due to unforeseen circumstances, tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 4.15pm instead of 11.30pm. I’m sure you will understand that visiting sick parishioners should take precedence over late night services… but I’m glad to say I’m not visiting any today! Instead I’ll be attending the Bishops “Tarts and Vicars” party, which i’m very excited about as he’s promising a feeding of the five-thousand style buffet food and gallons of the blood of Christ he’s hoarded all year. And he’s hired a mobile disco. During todays’ festive service Church warden Noddy Holder will be leading his “Slade Singers” in the usual carols and Cliff Richard numbers, plus we’re hoping you will all bring festive fare to the church, (i.e. food, drink and lots of presents), which we will distribute to the local homeless. Or keep. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all this afternoon (Don’t be late as I’ll have to finish at 5.30 prompt so I have time to get into my party costume, I’m going as a jam tart).

Seasons tidings, Rev C Knutsford

Happy Easter In Absentia

Dear flock. I am writing this on behalf of our dearly departed vicar (he’s not dead just off on holiday) as he asked me to apologise for having to postpone all the Easter related services, egg hunts, parties etc at the last minute… The choristers helped me hack the account as the Rev didn’t leave any passwords for me. But he did leave a hastily scrawled note pinned to the locked church doors saying that the Bishop was taking him away for a well deserved surprise rave up in Ibiza with all their chums. I’m sure his holiness will be back soon, so watch this space… Happy Easter to all, Noddy Holder (Church Warden)

Palm Sunday Service Postponed

Good afternoon my flock. As you know today is one of the most important dates in the church calendar and one which I personally look forward to the whole year. For today is Palm Sunday, when our Christian family celebrates the day our Lord rode into town on a stolen donkey, just before preparing his twelve disciples a scrumptious bread and fish based brunch, no doubt washed down with lots of red vino. The Bible tells us Jesus cooked it all in palm oil, which gives today it’s name and a reason to celebrate on the last Sunday before Easter. And just like Christ and his dozen or so chums today we would usually eat fried foods off the floor together, such as bacon, black-pudding and eggs, all cooked in palm oil. I say usually because today’s Sunday service is being postponed until tomorrow evening as I’ve a dreadful hangover and the clocks changing has really thrown me out today… But at least we can now look forward to having a Palm Monday Evening Service, and who knows it may catch on! So tomorrow, from 7pm, our church warden Noddy Holder will be on cooking duty but we’re relying on you my flock to provide the grub, so raid those larders and be generous. Please join us at Christ’s home tomorrow and let us fill the pews with praise, food and lots of wine. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Harvest Festival Apology

Dear flock. Apologies for missing last evening’s Harvest Festival service, I was nursing a terrible hangover all day and nodded off late afternoon… By the time I awoke the Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor Result Shows were starting… Thank God I woke in time for those as my video recorder is no longer in the land of the living and I’d have hated to miss such important televisual delights. Anyway my non-service attendance shouldn’t stop you giving generously, so please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch throughout today and i’ll pick them up this evening. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as ready-meals (hint: The verger and I love curry and chillis), oven chips and cornettos (not cheap own brands), please bring in a cool-bag to the vicarage on Monday. Have a wonderful Harvest and see you all later today.

Easter Services This Easter

Good evening my flock. Easter, my second favourite Christian time of the year after Christmas (I love that best because of all the presents, food, drink and parties), is almost upon on us and as usual your local parish church will be having almost continual services in celebration, and our annual multi-faith Easter Egg hunt (on Friday if we get enough eggs donated). And i’m sorry to say I will be missing all the fun as I’m off an almost-all expenses paid trip, with the the Bishop, to Disneyland France for a whole week and we jet off tomorrow… I only found out this morning that I had come second in this years C of E’s Got Talent competition (The Bishop came first!) of which this trip was the prize. So church warden Noddy Holder has stepped up to the alter, so to speak, and will be taking all the services in my absence… I’ve roughly outlined what he should do in each service, so you’ll be in safe hands. I mean, what could go wrong? So please join him at Christ’s home this Easter, i’ll be thinking of you. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Celebrate The Palm At Our Service Of Thanks Today

Good morning my flock. Today is a most important date in the church calendar and one which I look forward to the whole year. I am of course talking of Palm Sunday, when God’s family, close friends and aquaintances celebrate the time our Lord casually rode into town astride a dying donkey, and just before cooking his twelve disciples a light lunch invented the ultra-versatile palm oil. The Bible tells us he’d decided on a light finger buffet as he had plans to host a large more supper supper that evening…And being a very caring chap he didn’t want to spoil the appetites of his chums. Inventing the palm oil whilst making the brunch oil was soon recognised to be a miracle, for it changed how Christian’s cooked fried food forever and became an active ingredient in everything from condoms to hair gel. So the Church has for centuries given praise for the palm on the last Sunday before Easter. And just like our Lord and his chums we eat biblical fried foods off the floor together, such as bacon, black-pudding and eggs, cooked in the wonderful life-enhancing oil. Church warden Noddy Holder will be on cooking duty with his trusty frying pan so please bring your foods early to be cooked (and bring plenty of ketchup as we always run out). The service will start at 12.12pm to give me time to rid myself of a hang-over (I celebrated the last in the series of Ant & Dec’s Saturday TakeAway a little too enthusiastically last night) and must finish by 2.15pm, as I have to rush off to London to see 42nd Street at the theatre. So so please join me at Christ’s home and let us fill the pews with praise and food smells. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths