Harvest Festival Apology

Dear flock. Apologies for missing last evening’s Harvest Festival service, I was nursing a terrible hangover all day and nodded off late afternoon… By the time I awoke the Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor Result Shows were starting… Thank God I woke in time for those as my video recorder is no longer in the land of the living and I’d have hated to miss such important televisual delights. Anyway my non-service attendance shouldn’t stop you giving generously, so please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch throughout today and i’ll pick them up this evening. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as ready-meals (hint: The verger and I love curry and chillis), oven chips and cornettos (not cheap own brands), please bring in a cool-bag to the vicarage on Monday. Have a wonderful Harvest and see you all later today.

Easter Services This Easter

Good evening my flock. Easter, my second favourite Christian time of the year after Christmas (I love that best because of all the presents, food, drink and parties), is almost upon on us and as usual your local parish church will be having almost continual services in celebration, and our annual multi-faith Easter Egg hunt (on Friday if we get enough eggs donated). And i’m sorry to say I will be missing all the fun as I’m off an almost-all expenses paid trip, with the the Bishop, to Disneyland France for a whole week and we jet off tomorrow… I only found out this morning that I had come second in this years C of E’s Got Talent competition (The Bishop came first!) of which this trip was the prize. So church warden Noddy Holder has stepped up to the alter, so to speak, and will be taking all the services in my absence… I’ve roughly outlined what he should do in each service, so you’ll be in safe hands. I mean, what could go wrong? So please join him at Christ’s home this Easter, i’ll be thinking of you. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Celebrate The Palm At Our Service Of Thanks Today

Good morning my flock. Today is a most important date in the church calendar and one which I look forward to the whole year. I am of course talking of Palm Sunday, when God’s family, close friends and aquaintances celebrate the time our Lord casually rode into town astride a dying donkey, and just before cooking his twelve disciples a light lunch invented the ultra-versatile palm oil. The Bible tells us he’d decided on a light finger buffet as he had plans to host a large more supper supper that evening…And being a very caring chap he didn’t want to spoil the appetites of his chums. Inventing the palm oil whilst making the brunch oil was soon recognised to be a miracle, for it changed how Christian’s cooked fried food forever and became an active ingredient in everything from condoms to hair gel. So the Church has for centuries given praise for the palm on the last Sunday before Easter. And just like our Lord and his chums we eat biblical fried foods off the floor together, such as bacon, black-pudding and eggs, cooked in the wonderful life-enhancing oil. Church warden Noddy Holder will be on cooking duty with his trusty frying pan so please bring your foods early to be cooked (and bring plenty of ketchup as we always run out). The service will start at 12.12pm to give me time to rid myself of a hang-over (I celebrated the last in the series of Ant & Dec’s Saturday TakeAway a little too enthusiastically last night) and must finish by 2.15pm, as I have to rush off to London to see 42nd Street at the theatre. So so please join me at Christ’s home and let us fill the pews with praise and food smells. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

St Norris Remembered Late This Year

Hello my flock. As you probably know last Saturday, or Sunday, was the Feast of St Norris, but unfortunately due to needing a well earnt lie-in nursing a sore head yours truly couldn’t hold the traditional memorial service. So we will be having the service early Thursday morning instead and all are welcome. Please remember to wear a feather in your hat in celebration of Norris. The service will reflect on his humble syphilitic life, his kind deeds to birds and tireless service to his home town of Bognor Regis, which he kept clean of guano with his bare hands. Norris died at the age of 32 after a protracted pustulous illness and was buried at the bottom of the town’s well as was customary in the 15th century. Upon hearing of his passing the pox-riddled Pope (Jeremy XI) canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl and declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” The latter we will perform after we’ve had tea and biscuits post service. So Thursday morning sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Wishing You A Happy New Year. And An Apology

Dear flock. I just wanted to wish you all a wonderful New Year, let’s pray that 2017 will be far better than 2016 and that we don’t have to wait too long for another series of Poldark (with lots more shots of that scrummy lead actor getting sweaty with his shirt off). I also wanted to pre-warn you that tomorrow mornings mass will be starting a couple of hours late (at around 11.30) as I’ll be needing a lie in due to most likely still being a teensy-weensy bit tipsy. I will be seeing the new year in at the Bishop’s party tonight and they can be a riotous affair at the best of times, so let’s hope I actually make it home in one piece! See you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

All-Hallows Service Tomorrow

Dear flock. Just to remind you that tomorrow morning’s All Hallows (All Saints) Day service will be starting slightly later than usual at (11.15am) as I am getting my first tatoo inked first thing. I’ve drawn it myself and i’m pretty chuffed with it, even the bishop approves (it’s of the Marks & Spencer’s St Michael’s logo, so it combines my love of M&S pants and of the real Saint St Michael).

As for the service, please gather outside the church at 11.10 and we will all skip into the church singing When The Saints Go Marching In and as usual we hope to be accompanied by the local prison brass band (if they don’t all try to escape as they have in the past). Please remember to come to the service dressed as your favourite saint  and carry a carved-out tomato as a lantern (for this is the ancient Christian tradition on All Hallows before everyone turned to pumpkins). See you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Beckworth-St Michael

(Above) The inspiration for the vicar’s religious tatoo

Harvest Festival Service

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this evening’s Harvest Festival service will be starting at 5pm and finishing promptly at 6.30 so I can get home to watch both Strictly Come Dancing and the Antiques Roadshow before rushing off to the airport. As the parish magazine noted the service was brought forward by a week or two so I can accept the Bishop’s offer of a free two-week holiday with him and his male chums on the tropical island of Ibiza. I can’t wait…. But please be warned, if you should stupidly turn up after the service has ended and find the church locked please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch and i’ll sort out when I get back from holiday. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as steaks, thin-crust pizzas and ice cream, please take the items in a cool-bag to round to the verger’s house. I’d like to wish you all a wonderful Harvest, especially you farmers and grocers, and i’ll see you all later today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Food - Microwavable Lasagna

(Above) Popular harvest festival items wanted by the church

St Struttock’s Day Tomorrow

Hello my flock. May I please remind you all that tomorrow is Saint Struttock’s day and as he’s one of our parish saints we will be spending 24 hours in adherence of his Will. His last wish as he coughed his final saintly breath was: “That all my followers must crawl around on all fours, whilst reciting the Struttock Psalm, on the anniversary of my death. Unless it falls on a weekend.” Please join us in our marathon display of devotion as we scuttle around the church repeatedly shouting his psalm “Struttock, Dear Struttock. May The Lord Strike Me Down, If I Ever Sit On My Buttocks.” As you know, local window-cleaner and 4th century Saint, Adrian Theodore De Struttock (to give him his full name) is the patron saint of knees and kneeling and lived his entire life with his hands and knees permanently on the ground. He is also acknowledged as the inventor of arthritis and hassocks. And some claim he was the world’s first wearer of long trousers. The day long adherence begins at midnight tonight and I trust we will see you ALL of the church then. May God and Saint Struttock Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Beckworth_Hassock

(Above) A hassock pictured earlier today (a stuffed-cushion for kneeling, invented by St Struttock many years ago)