Online Yoga Begins This Week

Hello. I am very happy to announce that this week Keira Knightley’s Kingdom Adventure Centre will start broadcasting yoga directly into Beckworth’s living rooms. Or garages. Or wherever it is you do yoga without nosey neighbours and perverts watching. The daily yoga classes will be hosted online, via the centre’s website, by Mrs Knightly herself (she is a recently trained brown belt in yoga). Log on every weekday at 10am to see Keira, the brown goddess in action. Have a good day, Beth Rochester. Acting Manageress, Keira Knightley’s Kingdom Adventure Centre

Keira Knightly

(Above) Keira Knightley 


Please Stop Wasting The Time Of A Handsome Genius

Hello to my Coxettes, it’s your stunningly attractive mentor Prof Brian Cox here, and i’m writing because i’m unhappy. Not only am I having a very rare bad hair day (a bad hair week in fact as my hairdresser isn’t able to visit apart from squeezing hair gel through my letterbox).  On top of that I am amazed at the mass of stupid questions I am getting every single day. Lockdown has increased the volume of such inane queries so much that I am now forced to say cease fans! STOP NOW!!!! I am ok with serious, scientific questions but will no longer engage with covidiots. The following extract is the sort of rubbish jamming up my inbox, stopping celebs, such as Bradley Walsh and Sir Elton, getting in touch me…

Dear Paddy Cox (sic), can you help? Last night I put our kitchen clock forward by an hour and the hour-hand fell off. Why has this happened? Could it have caught Corona Virus? Can you come round and check on it? Hopefully, if it’s germ free could you glue it back on?

Firstly don’t call me Paddy. It’s Professor to you. Second, the Government’s Chief Medical Officer says clocks can’t get the virus. Yet. Thirdly, In case they can i’m not coming round to fix it! Fourthly I’ve run out of glue. Besides which I am so busy with my online celebrity life that emails like this tire me out. So STOP sending them to me! Thank you

I’m off now to discuss hair products with my dear friend Claudia Winkleman on zoom.  Keep well, Prof Brian Cox.

Dr Brian Cox's Bad Hair Day

(Above) Brian Cox suffering from a bad hair day and answering inane questions

Church Service Online Today.

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that all church services for the foreseeable future will now  be “online.” The Archbishop Of Canterbury very kindly popped round to the vicarage (dressed in a rather fetching virus resistant onesie and mask) to get me set up. He fiddled about and “upgraded my laptop,” as he described it, so I can now “video call” you all. It’s very much like a 21st century version of the sermon on the mount! And if my internet proves to be too slow Church Warden Noddy Holder has offered to film me through my closed kitchen window and transmit the sermon with his phone. But i’m sure God in his wisdom will enable me to spread Christian joy in this time of lock-down. For the time being I will be doing just one service each week at 4pm so it doesn’t clash with any good telly (apart from Easter when i’ll put on an extra special additional “show” on Good Friday morning). I have been very fortunate not to be spending social-isolation alone, the Lord provided me with company in the form of dishy choir master Nigel Havers. God ensured lock-down occurred on Monday night just as Nigel and I were discussing wine, bread and hymns… So he’s staying put with me here, just so he’s safe of course (he’d luckily popped round with an overnight bag and his favourite pillow). His young wife is said to be delighted he’s well and in good company. Have a wonderful lockdown and look forward to “seeing” you all this afternoon at 4pm. Or thereabouts.

May your God be online with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Online Church Service

(Above) An artists impression of Noddy Holder filming Rev Knutsford’s sermon

Stutter Stairlifts “Powering You Towards Heaven One Step At A Time.” ADVERTISEMENT

Do you find climbing stairs as hard as climbing Everest. Or at least Ben Nevis. Perhaps you live in a house without a lift or escalators? Then you need to call in Beckworth’s one and only stairlift experts, Stutter Stairlifts. We’re friendly, expensive and quite knowledgable about going up and down stairs. There’s probably never been a better time to ring us, we’re not exactly busy at the moment and we’ve been in business for over twenty years (and only gone bankrupt once). So why not contact us today, or next week, for a brochure or a home demo. Stutter Stairlifts. “Powering You Towards Heaven One Step At A Time.” 

Stutter Potty Stairlift

(Above) The Stutter 3000GT Commode Stairlift, featuring an integrated safety belt and loo roll holder (not shown for hygiene reasons)

Skippedy-Do-Dah Skip Hire. ADVERTISEMENT

Do you want to get rid of debris and refuse that the council refuse to take? Need to ditch your philandering husband’s prized stuffed-animal collection at short notice? Or perhaps you’ve had a fly tipper dump 3 tons of rusting of washing machines outside your front door in the middle of the night? If so why not hire a skip from Beckworth’s third most popular skip hire company, Skippedy-Do-Dah… You can rent by the day or week, ring us for a quote today. Or tomorrow. Cheers Derek Skippedy-Smith. 01632 255 514

Skippedy Do Dah

At Her Majesty’s (Dis)Pleasure; This Weeks Playlist

Hello radio fans. A huge thanks to those who listened to my first online radio show on, i’ve had some great feedback. And it’s on again today at 10am! One music fan in Texas, Loz, has asked for the playlist. So I thought it would make sense to publish it, here, every week… I hope you’ll tune in weekly at 7pm Fridays and 10am Saturdays, keep yourselves well, Inmate B42359

01 Have love, will travel – Sharps

02 Balanced On a Wire - Ben Watt

03 Jody - A Girl Called Eddy

04 Steady - POLIÇA

05 Low (Radio Edit) - Lenny Kravitz

06 The Snake - Al Wilson

07 The London Boys - David Bowie

08 Do You Mind [From Let’s Get Married] - Anthony Newley

09 Girlfriend (feat. Dâm-Funk) - Christine And The Queens

10 Don’t You Want To Spiral Out Of Control? - Smoke Fairies

11 Adolescent sex - Japan

12 Cherry Bomb - The Runaways

13 We Sell Hope - The Specials

14 Walk Away Renee - The Four Tops

15 Thirteen - Big Star

16 Light My Fire - José Feliciano

17 The Old Ark’s A’moving - A A Gray & Seven-Foot Dilly

Record Player Coloured Vinyl

Don’t Forget To Enter Another Time Zone At Midnight Tonight

Hello Beckworth. This is your “let’s beat the C-Virus together” leader speaking. In times of national emergency, such as the one we’re in, it is important we all help each other… Tonight at midnight or thereabouts the time zone the UK is currently are in will change, you will need to put clocks and watches back by an hour, or perhaps it’s forward… Anyway, whichever way you change it it is vitally important for the health of the nation that it is done. Tonight. And if you know anyone self-isolating who probably can’t do it for themselves why not pop around tonight and do it for them? Remember to wash your hands afterwards… Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.


(Above) An artist’s impression of a clock being turned back. Or perhaps forward.

Beckworth Takes To The Air(Waves) Tonight

Hello radio lovers, check out tonight at 19:00 GMT (and repeated at 10:00 GMT tomorrow) as i’ll be broadcasting a new hour-long radio show called At Her Majesty’s (Dis)Pleasure, recorded in my cell at HMP Beckworth. Please tell your family and friends, hopefully it’ll be a pick-me-up after a week of lock-down. Happy listening and keep well, Inmate B42359

Inmate B42359

Local College Announces Evening Classes To Continue During Ongoing Lock Down

Breaking clay-based news just in… Beckworth FE College has announced that they are aiming to take all adult education evening classes online, or similar, next month. This will include over 90s yoga, veterinary as a hobby classes and life drawing art classes via live video link (i’ll sign up for the latter if its a well hung naked young man modelling). Car mechanics for beginners will continue via occasional phone calls, Arc Welding For Young Mum’s via hastily written postcards and flower arranging probably by post. Most ambitiously the pottery class will continue with each potter in their own home using improvised potters wheels, tuition by Skype and the clay posted weekly through a letter box or open window. Well done to the plucky college, it’s innovation like this that won us the war, and will help us beat this invisible menace we currently face. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief China Tea Pot Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

UK Undertakers Awards Postponed Until October… Or November.


Breaking funeral news just in… At last I can report on some happy news in amongst all the reports of coughing and deaths. Local lad, 61 year old Terry Tottenham Jnr, (pictured above), has once again been nominated as the UK’s cheeriest undertaker in the prestigious Grin Reaper Award 2020. Mr Junior last won in 2015 and despite a series of scandals was nominated in 2018 and last year. Although he failed to win on both occasions he believs this year could be his year, he says he’s “match fit” having learnt some new inappropriate innuendos and jokes and the number of funeral enquiries is on the rise.
The awards were due to be held in the Albert Hall this weekend but due to the Corona virus all undertakers are now on stand-by and very busy, so the event will now take place later in the year. Probably. We all wish Mr Terry of Tottenham and Arsenal Funeral Directors the best. His dad, Terence Sr, won six times back in the heady 1970s so his son has a lot to “live” up to.

Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Laid-To-Rest Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette