Join Us And Loose Pounds

Hellody Hoo, Marion here. After decades caring for the welfare of animals I am now turning my attention to the two legged residents of Beckworth. I worked for many years in the local abattoir, until I was dismissed, but I’ve recently retrained as a human dietrician and personal trainer, and this month will be bringing the ancient Korean act of Weight Whistling to the UK. So do you want lose 10 stone in just three weeks? Well now it’s possible due to the unique way that weight whistling works! But don’t take my word for it, come along and try it… Classes will be every Monday night in the scout hut at 8 but only genuine, determined tubsters need apply. So how does it work I hear you ask? Well it’s a closely guarded secret, but put simply it’s a workout without music. The participants whistle communist tunes whilst they exercise. I trained under the great teacher Gin Bin Bawl, a mauve belt in Weight Whistling, who until his mysterious death last year was the dietician and keep fit instructor of choice for the glorious leader Kim Jon-un and his very closest allies. So i’ve got all the qualifications, now all I need is a group of fatties to practice on. So get your lazy fat a**e down to the scout hut next Monday night and let’s shed those unsightly pounds. Ta ta, Marion

PS It’s just £36 a class

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(Above) Kim JonUn keeping trim with a strenuous Weight Whistling work-out

Star Spot: The Bloke Off Countryfile

Hellody Hoo, Marion here. I’ve just seen that fella John from Countryfile being filmed chatting to some cows in a field. I asked the farmer what was going on and he told me he think’s they are doing a sequel to the film Being John Malkovitch. He reckons’s it’ll be called Being John Craven. The scenes I saw him doing looked very good, so i can’t wait to see the finished film. Ta ta, Marion

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(Above) John Craven chatting to a cow earlier today

Beckworth Aussie Star Spot Two: The Minogues

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Hellody Hoo, Marion here. Beckworth must be overrun with small female Australian entertainers today because I’ve just seen not one, but two!!! I spotted the diminutive Minogue sisters, Daniiii and Kylie, in school uniforms outside Beckworth High squabbling over a bag of chips. For two stars of television their language was very course. Ta ta, Marion

Marion Is Here

Hellody Hoo, Marion here. These are some recordings from an interview I did a while ago with an odd man who called himself a doctor. He was a bit tipsy and asked me some very strange questions, then tried to borrow money from me for “his project”. I’ve often wondered became of him, but in his absence the tourist board have asked me to put the recordings on this website, so that’s what I’m doing. I hope they boost tourism, though I can’t imagine why they would. Ta ta M.