Good morning fellow Beckworthers and a belated happy Christmas. I had thought the Mayor would have posted a blog from his “fact-finding council paid” holiday in the Bahamas, but it appears to have slipped his mind so you have me instead… So please let me wish you a belated Happy Christmas and I wanted to apologise for the last minute cancellation of this years traditional Boxing Day Swimming Race. Recent rupturing of local sewers have left the River Winnet unsafe for humans and so a swim in the currents wasn’t advisable. Race organiser (and MP) Hilary Benn says she hopes to reschedule the race for sometime in early 2018. Yours, Mrs Anne Chovey DFC, deputy Mayoress
Just a quick to reminder that tickets are still available for tonight’s New Years’ Eve Hootananny bash. Unfortunately Jesus’s favourite God-bothering folk trio The Faith Tones won’t now be performing due to one of the members being banged up at her Majesty’s pleasure (again)… As a last minute replacement Essex’s latest Status Quo tribute act Quatus Sto have stepped up, so be sure to wear denim tonight and be prepared to rock out, or whatever you do at a Quo concert… Doors open at 6.30, and tickets cost £95.49 which includes a “finger” buffet of Christmas leftovers. So join us to see the new year in, let’s hope it’s better than 2017 (which shouldn’t be too hard!). Tonight’s featured ale is The President’s Syrup and we’ve a got a few used Christmas cracker hats to hand out to the first ten punters dressed in “full Quo attire” through the door. So see you later. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Freezing news just in… Fans of dogging and public nudity started congregating and fornicating from late last night at the ancient Hammerite standing stones to celebrate today being the shortest day ever in the UK’s history (it’s only seven hours long today instead of the usual 24). I’m told that crowds of lusting onlookers have arrived this afternoon, some with torches for later, to see the sun set over the stones and then as it gets dark catch glimpses of bearded old men and women getting up to mischief behind the stones whilst others dance, sing and rub their nakedness up against the rough stones. Seems a funny way to celebrate the winter solstace but it makes for a newsworthy story. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Good evening Beckworth and happy Winter Solstice. Just a reminder that this coming Saturday Beckworth will be hosting the annual Christmas Smokers Fair in the Market Square with the a traditional Germanic ”Weihnachten” Christmas Fair lining the high street. It’s sure to be a wonderful day for smokers and smelly sausage lovers of all ages so get your towels onto the supplied sun-loungers very early.
All the events will be held outdoors, with the exception of the marijuana smokers pottery classes, pipe-rack engineering and sauerkraut construction drop-in sessions which will be held discretely in a porta-cabin in the school playground.
The fairs are your once in a year opportunity to buy flavoured tabacco, nicotene patches, lighters and those poncey electric fags alongside seasonal Christmas decorations made from fragments of the Berlin Wall, Angela Merkel fairies to top your tree, Volkswagen car parts, used lederhosen and whatever else it is our German friends sell at Christmas.
Great news for all the family; the pubs will be open from 8am Saturday and stay open until 11.30 that night to cater for the expected influx of heavy drinking teutonic smokers.
See you there, thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor