Remembrance Sunday Service & Parade Online Today

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that, due to lockdown, today’s Remembrance Day Parade and Service will all be taking place online, via something i’m still getting to grips with called Zoom, not this website.

There is no limit on the amount of people who can “attend” the service, so why not tell your friends? If my internet works ok the service will starts at 2pm today with the immortal words “Dear God can you hear me? Is my video switched on?” The service will be followed at 3.15 by a “procession” (consisting of the regional head of scouting Sir Bob-bob-bob-dib-dib-dib Geldof poignantly marching alone) from the church to lay a wreath of poppies at the War Memorial. You can follow all the action via your computer as it is to be filmed via the Verger’s phone live from a safe distance. 

Please join us for both the service and procession this afternoon. May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. The “Virtual” Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

BobGeldofscout

(Above) Sir Bob-bob-bob-dib-dib-dib Geldof photographed from a safe distance

Today’s Easter Service

Hello my locked flock. This is a reminder that today’s Easter Sunday service will start at around 2.30pm so I have time to first have a slap-up lunch. My “house mate” Nigel Havers has promised to cook it and I can’t wait (there is no end to this man’s talents!). I would still like to receive Easter eggs and treats from you for my sterling community service, so please leave them in the vicarage porch and Nigel will bring them inside for me. Please remember my favourites are Flake Eggs and those very large expensive Belgian ones, as the saying goes a “religious army marches on it’s stomach!” and i’m it’s captain. Or general. …. Nigel and I plan to have an egg hunt this evening, so need a lot of eggs! He’s very good at finding things so I need to get better at hiding!!!!! By the way, as with all the recent services I will be performing online only via the internet. I must admit i’d like to continue this way of giving religious solace post-Lock down. I takes far less time and I’m relishing not having to deal with people in person. Have wonderful lockdown and look forward to “seeing” you this afternoon afternoon.

May your God be online with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Online Church Easter Egg Hunt

(Above) An artist’s impression of the vicars egg hunt

Traditional Good Friday Service & Annual Multi-Faith Sportsday

Hello my lock-down flock. May I wish you all a very happy Easter and invite you to today’s virtual Good Friday family service, at 5pm this afternoon. Despite social distancing and staying home I will try to lead as “normal” a service as is possible from my kitchen, for instance If you can hold any animals up to your computer screen I will attempt my traditional a blessing of baby chicks and lambs. Followed by communion with wine and Hot Cross Buns, my “housemate” Nigel and I are getting through plenty of both! Sadly we have decided to postpone our annual St Faith’s annual Multi Faith Good Friday Sports Day and not attempt an online version as not all religions are blessed with good wi-fi. I am still accepting easter eggs for the hunt, which Nigel hopes to film on his phone, though we may do this on Sunday not today as there is some great telly on this evening. Monday’s mass and blind-fold egg and spoon race through the grave yard is also cancelled, as Nigel and I would like a lie in and a lazy day. I trust we will see you at ALL of at today’s service. Happy Easter and may your onloine God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Maundy Thursday Online Service Slightly Delayed

Hello my flock. Please accept my apology that this morning’s Maundy Thursday service has been delayed until 4p today. I must admit I completely forgot and had a lie in after a glorious, booze fuelled game of spin the bottle last night with my “house mate” Nigel Havers. It was most enlightening I can tell you! Now i am risen like the Lord I need a shave, a hearty lunch, clean cassock and a nap to be up to standard for the service, which will take place online. Due to social distancing I am asking all my congregation to wash their feet just as Jesus did. Have wonderful lockdown and look forward to “seeing” you all tomorrow afternoon at 4pm. Or thereabouts.

May your God be online with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Palm Sunday Service Online Tomorrow At 3PM

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that all church services will, for the foreseeable future, be “online” only. Last weeks’ “virtual” service worked well, thanks to the fancy filming skills of my current house mate Nigel Havers and to The Archbishop Of Canterbury for setting up my fast CofE approved Virgin Mary broadband. Church Warden Noddy Holder was on stand by to transmit the sermon with his phone through the kitchen window, but God in his wisdom had the wi-fi working miracles. Anyway, tomorrow at 3pm it is our annual Palm Sunday Service, which is one of my favourites. This is the day we celebrate the baby Jesus being led into Bethlehem, or Jerusalem, on a donkey to get an Easter Egg. In tribute each year I dress as one of the twelve disciples or sometimes as his dad Joseph and reenact the journey into town. I arrive at the church on a donkey just as Jesus did (actually one of Fern Britton‘s lamas from her farm) after parading through the streets with my congregation throwing down plastic palm leaves in my path. Sadly this year we can’t leave the vicarage so perhaps my congregation could just display the leaves in their front windows, just as rainbows have appeared for the NHS and key-workers. Have a wonderful lockdown and look forward to “seeing” you all tomorrow afternoon at 3pm. Or thereabouts.

May your God be online with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Church Service Online Today.

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that all church services for the foreseeable future will now  be “online.” The Archbishop Of Canterbury very kindly popped round to the vicarage (dressed in a rather fetching virus resistant onesie and mask) to get me set up. He fiddled about and “upgraded my laptop,” as he described it, so I can now “video call” you all. It’s very much like a 21st century version of the sermon on the mount! And if my internet proves to be too slow Church Warden Noddy Holder has offered to film me through my closed kitchen window and transmit the sermon with his phone. But i’m sure God in his wisdom will enable me to spread Christian joy in this time of lock-down. For the time being I will be doing just one service each week at 4pm so it doesn’t clash with any good telly (apart from Easter when i’ll put on an extra special additional “show” on Good Friday morning). I have been very fortunate not to be spending social-isolation alone, the Lord provided me with company in the form of dishy choir master Nigel Havers. God ensured lock-down occurred on Monday night just as Nigel and I were discussing wine, bread and hymns… So he’s staying put with me here, just so he’s safe of course (he’d luckily popped round with an overnight bag and his favourite pillow). His young wife is said to be delighted he’s well and in good company. Have a wonderful lockdown and look forward to “seeing” you all this afternoon at 4pm. Or thereabouts.

May your God be online with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Online Church Service

(Above) An artists impression of Noddy Holder filming Rev Knutsford’s sermon

Midnight Mass & Tomorrows Church Services

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly later time of 1.15am this evening due to the BBC showing film The Last Temptation Of Christ on telly. It’s a favourite of mine. And also i’m going to a dinner party earlier in the evening which i’m very excited about as the host is a great cook and always has amazing wines. And a large telly. As always during the festive service Church warden Noddy Holder will be leading his “Slade Singers” in the carols. And could you all bring festive food and presents to the church, which we will distribute to the local homeless tomorrow. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all this evening at 1.15.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Beckworth_Choristers

(Above) Church warden Noddy Holder and some of his wonderful Slade Singers

 

Midnight Mass This Afternoon

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that, due to unforeseen circumstances, tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 4.15pm instead of 11.30pm. I’m sure you will understand that visiting sick parishioners should take precedence over late night services… but I’m glad to say I’m not visiting any today! Instead I’ll be attending the Bishops “Tarts and Vicars” party, which i’m very excited about as he’s promising a feeding of the five-thousand style buffet food and gallons of the blood of Christ he’s hoarded all year. And he’s hired a mobile disco. During todays’ festive service Church warden Noddy Holder will be leading his “Slade Singers” in the usual carols and Cliff Richard numbers, plus we’re hoping you will all bring festive fare to the church, (i.e. food, drink and lots of presents), which we will distribute to the local homeless. Or keep. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all this afternoon (Don’t be late as I’ll have to finish at 5.30 prompt so I have time to get into my party costume, I’m going as a jam tart).

Seasons tidings, Rev C Knutsford

Palm Sunday Service Postponed

Good afternoon my flock. As you know today is one of the most important dates in the church calendar and one which I personally look forward to the whole year. For today is Palm Sunday, when our Christian family celebrates the day our Lord rode into town on a stolen donkey, just before preparing his twelve disciples a scrumptious bread and fish based brunch, no doubt washed down with lots of red vino. The Bible tells us Jesus cooked it all in palm oil, which gives today it’s name and a reason to celebrate on the last Sunday before Easter. And just like Christ and his dozen or so chums today we would usually eat fried foods off the floor together, such as bacon, black-pudding and eggs, all cooked in palm oil. I say usually because today’s Sunday service is being postponed until tomorrow evening as I’ve a dreadful hangover and the clocks changing has really thrown me out today… But at least we can now look forward to having a Palm Monday Evening Service, and who knows it may catch on! So tomorrow, from 7pm, our church warden Noddy Holder will be on cooking duty but we’re relying on you my flock to provide the grub, so raid those larders and be generous. Please join us at Christ’s home tomorrow and let us fill the pews with praise, food and lots of wine. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths