Local Restaurant Loses It’s Michelin Star After Just One Year

Shocking foody news just in… Local restaurant (and takeaway) The Bamboo Caravan has today, after a lengthy investigation lasting at least half an hour, been stripped of it’s one Michelin star. Nigel Po, proprieter and chef, has closed the eaterie early today and told me all over a home-brewed shaojiu “I ask you, how can the French b****rds strip me of my hard won star…” before adding “And they’ve sacked my Porsche driving cousin, the very popular local Michelin restaurant inspector. The editor’s of the guide have trumped up some charge that he was on the fiddle, just because he’s handed out over 334 Michelin stars to local take-aways in the last year” Commiserations to Mr Po and all his talented staff. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Crispy Duck & Spring Roll Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette


(Above) The popular Beckworth restaurant that’s just accidentally lost it’s one Michelin star

Britain – Open For Business, All Welcome

Breaking potential new business news just in… Following yesterday’s announcement that our close friends the Chinese and French are to build and run a new Nuclear power plant at somewhere called Hinkley Point in the UK, leaked documents show this appears to be the merest of hints of Government ambitions. The top-secret document, left in a public toilet cubicle, show that new PM Teresa May‘s quest is to sell everything off to the lowest bidder thus reducing the burden on the state which in turn could possibly reduce the country’s debt in the short term and give a lot of directorships to her friends and colleagues. North Korea are said to in the running to own and operate all the UK’s utility companies, Russia to supply and operate the UK’s nuclear deterrents, Zimbabwe to operate our border controls and Iran to train and control our police forces. “It’s an ambitious and quickly thought out plan which is to be applauded” a Tory flunky told me earlier this morning over a sherry “Even if in the long term it costs tax payers over the odds it will be worth it to save the Government having any responsibilities so we can get in on with the important stuff like reintroducing Grammar Schools and making sure unhealthy food is advertised to children” I’ll keep you posted if I get any more news from the top secret dossier… Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Post Brexit Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Beckworth-Toilet Cubicles

(Above) An artists’s impression of a public toilet cubicle where secrets could be left

I’m A Celebrity Rumours On The Net…

Breaking downmarket TV news just in… The worldwide web is awash with rumours of who will be starring in the next series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and not one, but three, Beckworth residents are said to be taking part. I’m reliably told that the speculation of celebrity’s taking part has come from top secret documents that Dec, one of the little Geordie twins who presents the jungle-based show, left on the school bus this morning. Local celebs who are said to have booked their flights to Australia (where the show is filmed) include QC (and B&B landlady), Cherie Blair, retired Pope Benedict “Benny” XVI and owner of the town’s stinky bolognaise sauce factory Lloyd Grossman. I’ll keep you posted if I get confirmation that this bunch will be appearing on the programme… Christine Batley, Deputy Chief TV Gossip Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly GazetteBeckworth_Ant & Dec

(Above) I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’s little Geordie presenters Ant or Dec, or perhaps it’s Dec and Ant

Eric Fail In World Championships

Good evening Beckworth. I’m sorry to impart bad news, especially as it falls on Bake Off night, but as Mayor one of my duties is to send out messages of condolence to local failures… In this case local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. Once again they are the proud losers of (tonight’s) Chip Shop World Championships. As in previous years they failed to win, or in fact get in the five this year, of the prestigious competition which is televised on the Playboy channel, and repeated on Dave. This time the chip-shop team, led by new head chef Eric Clapton, came last simply because their food was deemed inedible and their signature dish, fish fingers chips and beans, was not properly defrosted. Marks were also lost for trying to kidnap a judge. I’m sure they’ll do better next time. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

Beckworth Fish_n_Chips

(Above) An artists’ impression of local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah’s chips

Strike Over… Hopefully

Hi, thanks to all the readers and contributors to this website for your patience and the two messages of support during our strike-imposed “radio silence” during the last few weeks. Thanks to arbitration we have bowed to the outrageous demands of the council’s IT Department and will now allow them to “work” from home most of the week. So it’s now all systems go and we should be able to resume almost daily posts… Although the IT scum have said they won’t be rushing back to their computers whilst the current heatwave is on. Typical commy b****rds! Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

Beckworth_IT Spport

(Above) An artists’ poor impression of our IT department back at work