Two Coles For The Price Of One At The 98p Land Grand Opening

Hurry Hurry Hurry. Tomorrow at 8am celebrity singer and dancer Cheryl Cole along with her “ex-Minder” dad George will be opening Beckworth’s brand new, cheapest and best discount supermarket, 98p Land. They’ll both be working the tills (and if needed stacking shelves) until lunchtime, although they have said they may do a spot of overtime in the evening. And to celebrate we have many lines on sale (for just one day) at the frankly ridiculous cheap price of slightly under one pound. Find such quality items on sale anywhere locally for such little money and we’ll refund the difference. So see you tomorrow. Ivan Bialystok. Manager. 98p Land


(Above) George Cole & daughter Cheryl arrive for rehearsals of tomorrow’s shop opening

Peter’s Pipe Dream Of Pickling Plant Panned

Hello. I just thought i’d let you know that due to public pressure poor ex-Dragon’s Den judge Peter Paphites has withdrawn his planning application to build a pickling plant on the site of the Neolithic buriel mound near Slocombe. I think Beckworth will regret this in the long term as it could have created at least 12 jobs and put the district on the pickles map. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.


(Above) Peter Paphitis, would be Prince of Pickles

Star Spot: Dr Who

I’ve just seen the “new” Dr Who, Peter something, on a break from filming the new TV series nearby (I hear Slocombe sewage works is crawling with aliens and camera crews). He was in the petrol station buying some chewing gum whilst his glamorous young assistant filled up the Doctor’s blue Skoda car (which for a diminutive vehicle looks deceptively spacious inside). Yours S Bendish


(Above) Dr Who’s time-travelling assistant filling up with unleaded earlier today

Small Blue Clue Found

Hello, just a quick update on the horrific Stag Do Massacre case. PC Rozzer (my doggy assistant) has been sniffing around looking for clues and unearthed a very large blue clue this morning. To the untrained eye it looks like a very small porta-cabin, but as it could only hold a couple of people at a time i’m inclined to think it is something else. I’ve no idea what it could be but while i try and suss that out the anti-terrorist bomb-squad will remotely destroy it (as they believe it to be a death trap). It’s some how connected to the Stag Do murder, maybe a couple of gang members are hiding in it? Possibly it’s the stripper’s changing room she used prior to entertaining the gang? If you have any knowledge about small blue portable buildings then CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I are currently working part-time as we’ve got the Beckworth Country Show coming up and we want to enter some veg in the allotment show. I’ll keep you posted on murder developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.


Waxwork Museum Set To Open Later This Year

Great news for those of you already planning Christmas, unemployed taxidermist and amateur wax “sculptor” Neville Preston-Tussaud hopes to open Beckworth’s most exciting indoor tourist attraction by December. Taking inspiration from his Great Great Grandma, Mrs Madam Tussaud, Neville is to open a small waxworks museum in the garage next to his house and in his garden shed. He hopes to have at least 12 celebrity effigies on show and has already got Harry from One Direction and Prince William finished, with a half size Miley Cyrus currently in progress. As soon as I know more about the museum opening I will let you know. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.

Beckham_Harry StylesPrince_Harry

(Above) Harry and William are bound to be star attractions when the waxworks opens

First Medal For Beckworth At Commonwealth Games

Great news, local residents and keen naturists Willy Belfast and Marge Bushey have won Beckworth’s first (bronze) medal at the Commonwealth games. The sexagenarian couple came third in the mixed-doubles 1000m tandem-cycling race earlier today and afterwards gave their trademark “mooning” lap of honour, to fervent shouts of encouragement from the Glasgow spectators. But it was touch and go whether they would be allowed onto the podium to accept their medal due to the cyclist’s state of undress. But Lord Seb Coe saved the day by lending the couple his spare pants and thus attired the ceremony went ahead. Christine Batley. Chief Naked Cycle Racing Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Tania Modra and Sarnya Parker (AUS) action Cycling Track 2000 Sy

(Above) Bronze medalists Willi and Marge in action
(Their modesty has been electronically covered)

Star Spot: The Pope (Once Again)

Hello all. This is third time this week I’ve seen the ex-Pope (John Paul George Ringo II) on my way between pubs. Today I was walking up Madonna Lane when I saw him getting a tool kit and pipes from his old pope-mobile (that he’s cunningly disguised as a plumber’s van). As he had his hands full I offered to get a packet of cigarettes out from his overall pockets, so we could both have a smoke and catch up on events in the Vatican City. You would have thought i’d told him God doesn’t exist by the way he told me to “go away” using very colourfull language, and he’s still insisting his name’s Rod. I’ll tell you, it’s no wonder he’s the ex-leader of The Catholic Church and not still in the job, he’s got the vocabulary of Kerry Katona and the manners of a football player. All the best, Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)


(Above) The ex-Pope getting his plumbing tools from his Pope-mobile earlier today

Welsh Ike & Tina In Concert This Friday

Great news, this Friday the top Welsh language London based all-male Ike & Tina Turner tribute act will be playing at the Blind Badger. Mike & Tony Turner will be playing songs from their album Terfynau Bugeiliaid Bush City (Shepherds Bush City Limits) and their forthcoming musical, about recent floods and the recession, River Deep Prisiau Uchel (River Deep Prices High). The wonderful celtic show is only £14.50 on the door and in honour of the duo this weekend’s featured (Welsh brewed) ale at the pub is Sheep Dip. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue


(Above) The Welsh speaking Ike & Tina Turner tribute duo (Mike on the left, Tony on the right) practicing in the pub car park earlier today

UKIP Sponsored Common Wealth Games Opening Ceremony Tonight

Hi, I just wanted to remind you all that tonight Beckworth will host it’s own alternative opening ceremony for the Commonwealth Games on the sports field from 8pm with refreshments on sale in the scout hut. A spokesman for the local branch of UKIP, who organised the event as a demonstration against the Scottish Referendum, was quoted as saying “we just wanted to have our voice heard and point out how immigration has distorted the UK” before adding “And we can’t be arsed going all the way to Scotland to see our English boys and girls parading around with flags.” He went on to say “It’s worth having an English opening ceremony, as our team is bound to thrash all the foreigners at sport and swimming and stuff. Therefore we’re putting on an evening of only English entertainment.” I am reliably informed that this will include Noel Edmunds’ stunt kite display, music from Uncle Len & Aunt Nancy Wheely and conclude with the famed Beckworth Unicycle Formation Dance Team (featuring UKIP’s very own Nigel Farage) dancing to some Now That’s What I Call English Music CDs. It’s a free event so see you there. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.


(Above) Nigel Farage unicycling to the opening ceremony rehearsal earlier today

Star Spot: The Pope (Again)

Hello all. For the second time this week I’ve seen the ex-Pope (John Paul George Ringo II). I was falling out of the pub early this morning after a lock-in to celebrate baby King George’s birthday when i spotted the Pontiff buying his poodle some tins of food in the corner shop. Interestingly he is now saying he’s not the ex-Pope but a semi-retired plumber called Rod. But blotto or not I know an ex-Bishop of Rome when I see one. Anyway, as a gesture of friendship I tried to ponce more cigarettes off him, but he claimed he had just given up smoking. If he wasn’t the ex-leader of The Catholic Church I’d have said the blighter was lying. All the best, Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

PS many thanks to Leslie Warwick for the tea cosy. It is a perfect replacement for my lost balaclava


(Above) The ex-Pope’s Poodle waits patiently outside the corner shop