Bums and boobs on show news just in… Fans of sexual-deviancy and shedding their cheap clothes have once again bought shame to Beckworth… These idle soap-dodgers started congregating and fornicating from the wee small hours at the ancient Hammerite standing stones, claiming to be celebrating the summer solstice (I’m surprised they even knew what that meant… it actually means today is longest day ever in the town’s history). I’m told the scum were joined by crowds of doggers and photographers, some with torches, to see the sun rise and intercourse break out amongst bearded old men and women up against the rough stones. Personally I think it should be banned, or they do it in the privacy of their own homes. Or sheds. I will celebrate the solstace in a more civilised manner with a few bottles of wine, 20 Marlboro Lights and a copy of Hello magazine. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hello all, Brian here, I actually answered this in full 6 or 7 years ago on this very website… So apologies if I ask you to a search for it whist I use my immense knowledge of the universe to make more television programmes whilst showing off my beautiful hair and getting more female fans…
Suffice to say that the universe is in perfect balance, so for every shortest day there must be a longest day… usually about 6 months apart due to the cycle of the sun. Or the moon. The longest day is most memorable in the UK because here it means almost 24 hours of sunshine in one day… unless its raining or is cloudy. Which means a lot of people will today go to the beach to get a tan or to ancient stone circles to dance naked.
Anyway, that’s me done, so if you don’t mind I’m going to get on my unicycle to a posh restaurant to have a “£5 eat as much as you can” lunch with my old school chums Will and Kirtsy Young to reminisce about teachers we fancied (and who of course fancied me) and blowing up the science lab. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.
Exclusive breaking political new Prime Minister news just in…Beckworths’ local MP Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP has just this minute (well yesterday actually but I didn’t see his fax until just now) found out that he was voted off in the first round of the conservative leadership elections… Sadly shining-light of the Tory party Mr Tooting-Broadway only got one vote (MPs could bizarely only vote for themselves once), he says he will now throw his weight behind best school friend Boris Johnson. Good luck to Mr Johnson, he’s the only one who can us out of Europe with a really good deal…. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Not The Next PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Exclusive political new Prime Minister news just in…Beckworths’ local MP Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP has just this minute told me via fax that he is standing in the conservative leadership elections… He says he is standing against his best friend Boris Johnson to raise his own profile and also increase his chances of getting into the new cabinet (he’d like to be Home Secretary). Good luck to back-bencher Mr Tooting-Broadway, we need someone like him who will sort out Brexit and get the empire back for England. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief PM Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hi, I just wanted to let you know that in a survey of the UK’s best seaside towns announced today Beckworth has come 143rd!!! Not at all bad as we’re over 30 miles from the sea and the only way to the ocean (since the buses stopped running) is to walk, cycle or drive … Well done us! Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information
Morning, your best local chip shop, Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah, are today celebrating the most exciting day of the year (it’s National Fishy Chip Day) by giving away a free plastic knife or wooden fork with every purchase over £20 (whilst stocks last)… Hurry, there’s bound to be a stampede and you don’t wanna miss out getting your gobs round a mouth-watering fish supper tonight! Lance & Brenda Colville, Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah Chip Shop Lance & Brenda Colville
Hello Beckworth, I hope this message finds you well, and you enjoyed today’s 22 hour D-Day re-enactment… I caught the last quarter hour and have to say the scouts, cubs and guides that I saw did their leader Lord Geldof proud, they were amazing playing the allied “goodies,” running up a replica beach created on the sports field (thanks to trendy local builder, Kevin McCloud, for lending us a ton of sand and gravel). I’m told the Beckworth Re-Enactors who turned up were very realistic playing the “baddies,” the Germans, but I didn’t see any my self as I think they’d gone home. If anyone has photos or videos please share them as I would quite like to see what I missed. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Dear all, just a reminder that tomorrow the scouts, cubs and guides (in addition to the Beckworth re-enactors) will be re-enacting, in real time, the D-Day landings, just as we did five years ago. To prepare and rehearse many streets of Beckworth will be closed today and Sainsco carpark will be out of service just in case the visiting president of the USA and family drop by to watch and need somewhere to park their long cars. Scout leader Sir Bob-bob-bob-dib-dib-dib Geldof will put his “troops” through their final paces to perfectly act out the Allie’s beach landing on the school playing fields (weather permitting). It’s only taken over 5 months rehearsing, but the boys and girls are now almost word perfect. The men, women and gender fluid members of the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be enthusiastically playing the Germans, which they did with such relish in 2014 (even hospitalising some of the “enemy”). Tomorrow promises to be a moving day out for all the family who can skive off work and school.
See you “on the beaches.” Thanks Tony Grimsby, Group Scout Leader
Hello Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well, and you are enjoying seeing the bunting your council has put up as a welcome to the Trump family to the UK. They were due stay in the caravan park just outside in Beckworth but their caravan got double booked so I hear they’re bedding down at a B&B in London… Anyway I am about to let a cat out of a bag. Yes I have a big secret to share! But you promise not to share… At 11am Mrs President Trump will open the redecorated Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library, and we will be renaming it the First Lady Melony Trump Room in her honour (and as a thanks for her buying the paint, turps and brushes). I’m unsure if Mr Trump will be attending as his meeting with Prime Minister May may overrun… So if you free at 11 why not come along and cheer at Melony, I’m sure she will be pleased. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
USA Presidential news just in… Just as Sir Donald Trump lands down in the UK rumours have reached us that the President is due to have a sneaky visit to his ancestral town of Beckworth. It is terribly hush-hush and being denied by secret service but I have it on good authority (thanks to the president’s very distant cousin, local scaffolder Muhhamad Turay-Trump) that Mr Trump, along with the Queen and the PM, will visit the town to grab a portion of his favourite Cod & Large Chips drenched in curry sauce from award winning chip shop Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. Proud owners Lance & Brenda Colville said Mr Donny discovered the treat on his last state visit in 2018 and even took an extra portion of chips with him for the flight home… I’ll keep you posted when I know what time he and his entourage are due tomorrow so we can give him a splendid Beckworth welcome. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief US of A Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette