Church Service Online Today.

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that all church services for the foreseeable future will now  be “online.” The Archbishop Of Canterbury very kindly popped round to the vicarage (dressed in a rather fetching virus resistant onesie and mask) to get me set up. He fiddled about and “upgraded my laptop,” as he described it, so I can now “video call” you all. It’s very much like a 21st century version of the sermon on the mount! And if my internet proves to be too slow Church Warden Noddy Holder has offered to film me through my closed kitchen window and transmit the sermon with his phone. But i’m sure God in his wisdom will enable me to spread Christian joy in this time of lock-down. For the time being I will be doing just one service each week at 4pm so it doesn’t clash with any good telly (apart from Easter when i’ll put on an extra special additional “show” on Good Friday morning). I have been very fortunate not to be spending social-isolation alone, the Lord provided me with company in the form of dishy choir master Nigel Havers. God ensured lock-down occurred on Monday night just as Nigel and I were discussing wine, bread and hymns… So he’s staying put with me here, just so he’s safe of course (he’d luckily popped round with an overnight bag and his favourite pillow). His young wife is said to be delighted he’s well and in good company. Have a wonderful lockdown and look forward to “seeing” you all this afternoon at 4pm. Or thereabouts.

May your God be online with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Online Church Service

(Above) An artists impression of Noddy Holder filming Rev Knutsford’s sermon

Remembrance Sunday Service Tomorrow

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that, due to unforeseen circumstances, tomorrows’ Remembrance Day Parade and Service will start slightly later than scheduled… I’m sorry but it was either that or lead proceedings such as solemn wreath laying dressed as a nurse (the Bishop is having a fancy dress party tonight and i’m staying over with many of my C of E colleagues, so i’ll need time tomorrow to get home and change before leading the parade and then giving my must-hear moving sermon). I’m sure you understand that the gravity of the day precludes having a vicar dressed as a naughty nurse leading the remembrance. God Bless. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

PS Just in case, does anyone know any good hang over cures?

Egg-Citing Easter Services

Good afternoon my flock. I am so sorry to have missed all the Easter events thus far, due to overdoing the sauce last weekend and being laid up all week (hangovers truly are the devil’s work)… But I am now feeling egg-ceptionally well refreshed now and ready to take the reins of this evening’s fancy dress Easter Bunny family service… And the egg-cellent news keeps coming as our cancelled annual multi-faith Good Friday Easter egg hunt will now take place tomorrow at 2pm so please bring lots of chocolate eggs! So please join me at Christ’s home this evening and tomorrow. Happy easter one and all, God Bless. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Happy Easter In Absentia

Dear flock. I am writing this on behalf of our dearly departed vicar (he’s not dead just off on holiday) as he asked me to apologise for having to postpone all the Easter related services, egg hunts, parties etc at the last minute… The choristers helped me hack the account as the Rev didn’t leave any passwords for me. But he did leave a hastily scrawled note pinned to the locked church doors saying that the Bishop was taking him away for a well deserved surprise rave up in Ibiza with all their chums. I’m sure his holiness will be back soon, so watch this space… Happy Easter to all, Noddy Holder (Church Warden)

Harvest Festival

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this evening’s Harvest Festival service will be starting at 5.45pm and finishing by 7pm so I can get home to watch both the Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor Result Shows. Thank God for such a wonderful Sabbath. If you stupidly turn up after 7pm and find the church locked please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch and i’ll sort out tomorrow morning. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as steaks, thin-crust pizzas and ice cream, please bring in a cool-bag to the vicarage on Monday. Have a wonderful Harvest and see you all later today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths


(Above) Please donate your freshly harvested frozen food to the church

Wear a Feather In Your Hat Today

Hello my flock. As you probably know today is the Feast of St Norris and we will be holding a memorial service today at 11. All are welcome and remember to wear feather in your hat in celebration of Norris. The service will reflect on his humble syphilitic life, his kind deeds to birds and tireless service to his home town of Bognor Regis, which he kept clean of guano with his bare hands. Norris died at the age of 32 after a protracted pustulous illness and was buried at the bottom of the town’s well as was customary in the 15th century. Upon hearing of his passing the pox-riddled Pope (Jeremy XI) canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl and declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” The latter we will perform after we’ve had tea and biscuits post service. So see you later this morning sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths


(Above) A church goer remembers it’s St Norris’s Day and wears a feather in his cap

Beckworth’s Nativity Under Way At Last

Hello my flock. It is with a gladdened heart that I can at last say work has started on our new nativity scene. You may remember our previous one was destroyed on Christmas Eve 2010 and thought to have been fire bombed by Islamic extremists, until CCTV showed it to be have arson carried out by drunken ten year olds bored of carol singing. Luckily it has only taken 19 months to get the planning application through and now we are just months away from having a completed crib and stable scene to enjoy all year round. The foundation stone was layed today by local artist and choir master Damien Hurst, who has been instrumental in fund raising and the design of the “jesus in formaldehyde” nativity. The back of St. Faiths Church Hall will be back to it’s former glory when the nativity is complete and I for one cannot wait.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths


(Above) Work has started on the new nativity