Harvest Festival

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this evening’s Harvest Festival service will be starting at 5.45pm and finishing by 7pm so I can get home to watch both the Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor Result Shows. Thank God for such a wonderful Sabbath. If you stupidly turn up after 7pm and find the church locked please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch and i’ll sort out tomorrow morning. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as steaks, thin-crust pizzas and ice cream, please bring in a cool-bag to the vicarage on Monday. Have a wonderful Harvest and see you all later today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

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(Above) Please donate your freshly harvested frozen food to the church

Wear a Feather In Your Hat Today

Hello my flock. As you probably know today is the Feast of St Norris and we will be holding a memorial service today at 11. All are welcome and remember to wear feather in your hat in celebration of Norris. The service will reflect on his humble syphilitic life, his kind deeds to birds and tireless service to his home town of Bognor Regis, which he kept clean of guano with his bare hands. Norris died at the age of 32 after a protracted pustulous illness and was buried at the bottom of the town’s well as was customary in the 15th century. Upon hearing of his passing the pox-riddled Pope (Jeremy XI) canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl and declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” The latter we will perform after we’ve had tea and biscuits post service. So see you later this morning sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

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(Above) A church goer remembers it’s St Norris’s Day and wears a feather in his cap

Beckworth’s Nativity Under Way At Last

Hello my flock. It is with a gladdened heart that I can at last say work has started on our new nativity scene. You may remember our previous one was destroyed on Christmas Eve 2010 and thought to have been fire bombed by Islamic extremists, until CCTV showed it to be have arson carried out by drunken ten year olds bored of carol singing. Luckily it has only taken 19 months to get the planning application through and now we are just months away from having a completed crib and stable scene to enjoy all year round. The foundation stone was layed today by local artist and choir master Damien Hurst, who has been instrumental in fund raising and the design of the “jesus in formaldehyde” nativity. The back of St. Faiths Church Hall will be back to it’s former glory when the nativity is complete and I for one cannot wait.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

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(Above) Work has started on the new nativity