Hey, you people with Mothers, Grandmothers and great-Grandfathers, today is your lucky day… Yes it is Mother’s Day and to celebrate we will be open until 11.15pm tonight to dish up our fabulous food to as many of your lovely Mum’s as possible. And what mums wouldn’t want to spend her special evening with us here at her favourite kebab shop, Knossos Kebabs? For today only we’re offering large “Mumma’s” donna kebabs for £13.99 each (whilst stocks last) and we’ve laid on a local star, Mr Entertainment Man himself, a man that every old mama will love. Yes, we’ve booked local Ed Sheeran tribute act, Ted Sheeran, to sing along to a CD of hits by the real Mr Sheerans. We’ve only got 6 proper seats in the shop, but now have 4 deckchairs and an umbrella outside our kebab shop so most people can get get comfy (if it’s not too windy and the umbrella stays up). But maybe you come early and not stay long. It’s a night out Mamas won’t want to miss, so bring all your old folk to eat with Khristos. Happy Mothers day and see you tonight…. Please bring cash as the card machine has broken.
Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs
Spring Solstice news just in… Today, or tomorrow if you go by some sources, is officially the start of Spring (so we can at last look forward to long warm evenings drinking Pimms whilst reading great literature such as 50 Shades Of Grey in a hammock)… But before then I’ve local goings on to report… despite there being a frost this morning (so much for the arrival of warm weather!) a few of our local druids, warlocks, witches and drunks put on an admirable display of nudity and fornication at sunrise this morning… As is traditional on the solstice they congregate at the ancient Hammerite standing stones and do their “thing”, whatever that may be. You won’t catch me going there in the dark with a torch to see vulgar hippy folk singing to get the sun to rise… I can guess what they get up to and I’m certainly no fan of dogging (not since I accidentally fell asleep one evening in a local carpark after puppy-training). And I’m told they’ll be doing it all over again in June, so if you really want to torture yourself as “its culturally important” you can watch old bearded blokes and women displaying their (not so) private parts whilst stumbling around the stones mumbling in the summer. I’m only reporting it as its a quiet day in the world of news, apart from bloody Brexit, so i’m glad a bunch of misfits and vagrants celebrated spring and saved me from redundancy. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Just a quick to reminder that tickets are still available for tonight’s St Patrick’s Day celebration… We’re opening 7pm until 4am to celebrate the Welsh saints day and we’ve ordered in gallons of the Welsh national drink, Special Brew. Due to the strength of the beer and a lack of plastic glasses we are banning kids from the pub, though due to the pleas of parents the under 16s will be allowed in the unlit garden and car park. Entry to the pub will be by pre-purchased tickets only and a finger buffet of Welsh Rarebit based bar snacks will be included in the price. Cardiff’s legendary tribute band The Panic Heat Streakers will be performing songs about Whales so join us for a bonza evening… Tickets cost £248.55 and we’ve a got a few prizes to hand out to the first ten punters dressed as characters from Gavin & Stacey. So see you later. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Just a quick to reminder that tickets are still available for tonight’s St Davids celebration… We’re opening 3pm – 1am to celebrate the Irish saints day and will only be serving our very own home brewed Guinness. Due to the strength of the beer on sale we are banning kids from the pub and garden but will allow them to congregate in the unlit carpark (at parents and car owners own risk). Entry to the pub will be by pre-purchased tickets only and a finger buffet of Ireland based bar snacks will be included in the price. Dublins’ eighth most-popular Irish singing and dancing sensations tribute band 2U will be performing songs so join us for a grand craic… Tickets cost £241.35 (Remember NO children), and we’ve a got a few prizes to hand out to the first ten punters dressed as leprechauns. So see you later. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue