Hello. Just to say that tonights private view of The Hovis Bread and Crumpet retrospective exhibition has been postponed due to mice. The rodents have decimated some key historical exhibits, but the bakers promise to have them replaced by next week. So we are hoping to reschedule the private view, in the library’s Jeffrey Archer Gallery, for 6.30pm Wednesday 4th June. The exhibition is due to open to the public from 19th June. Open daily 10 -5, the entrance fee is £5 or £3 to OAPs, scroungers and the registered blind. Yours, Trinny Poole-Harbour, Curator
(Above) A key exhibit photographed earlier before a gang of delinquent mouses ate it
Hello. Your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are planning on having a summer outting to the local paint-balling centre in the woods (hopefully in July) and are looking for new members to swell our ranks. It is bound to be great fun (hopefully incident free) and a chance to make new “like minded” friends. If you’re interested please contact me in person (the naturists meet at the scout hut every Thursday evening from 9pm). Thank you, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists
(Above) Lionel’s close “friend” Wayne photographed after the naturists’ last paintball outing three years ago (which led to a number of arrests)
Fellow toilet users of Beckworth I have disturbing news fresh from the bowels of the council chambers. The namby-pamby councillors have, in their wisdom, voted to sell off one of our town’s greatest historical assts. I am of course referring to local landmark, the Gentlemen’s public conveniences on the corner of Floyd Street near the statue of Nelson. Not only are the lavatories haunted but the building should be Grade 1 listed for it’s religious significance. It’s status as the UK’s most haunted WC is assured given the numerous sightings of late night visitors skulking in the shadows and hand dryers going off at all hours. Many residents have witnessed cubicle doors banging shut at all hours followed by ghostly moanings and groanings. Poltergeists are said to remove light bulbs and raid the condom machine on a daily basis and mysterious sounds and odours emanate almost hourly from the Victorian latrine. I myself have found unflushable wastage left behind by a phantom owner with irritable bowel syndrome. The red-brick convenience has become so notorious after dark that men choose to use the convenience in pairs, but this tourist attraction still needs saving. It is the UK’s last “angular” men-only convenience. Completely lacking any curves it was designed in the 19th century by leading public convenience builder, and practicing mysogynist, Bishop Lewis Collins. The Catholic bishop believed curves, and the fairer sex, were the work of the devil’s which encouraged fornication so his toilet design were for men only and comprised entirely of sharp angles. As it is the last of his “cathedrals to male defecation” existing in this country we must save it. To this end I am forming Save The Old Angular Toilets, STOATs, to tirelessly campaign to stop the council selling off of this national treasure. Please join me this Thursday at 6.15pm in The Blind Badger pub garden when we will can discuss fund-raising, membership packs and tactics.
Ray Eastleigh. Founder Member. STOATs
Hello. This is an update for all of you closely following the Stag Do Massacre case which PC Rozzer and myself are working tirelessly on, when we’re not in the garden keeping slugs off our onions. Just when we thought we’d seen the last of the clues to this murder an intriguing new one pops up. And not just any clue. A breakthrough clue! A discarded black belt, as worn by Kung Fu experts. So we now know that a member of the 30 strong Stag Do Massacre gang is a black belt in karate. The leather belt was found by an observant member of the public on the path leading to Lover’s Lane. The path is currently cordoned off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad blow up the belt, as they believe it to be booby trapped. This vital clue, deliberately left by the Groom’s Old Kung Fu School Pal (Let’s call him Ming for the purposes of our case), was probably meant as a coded message for us to back off as we’re getting close to rounding the violent gang up. But Rozzer and me aren’t intimidated by the Stag Do Massacre gang, so Ming’s wasting his time trying to scare us with belts. This sort of thing might work on crime shows but we’re made of tougher stuff here in Beckworth. And being tough means we need your help. Perhaps you know a tough guy called Ming who’s trousers keep falling down? Maybe you’ve done some kick-boxing with him but found him to be a bit over zealous? Or perhaps, you like me, you want to know if slug pellets really work? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case whilst attending to our vegetable plot. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police
(Above) The martial art’s black belt as found earlier today
Hello. News just in, keen nut collector and local violin teacher Nigel Kennedy has discovered his second nut lookalike in as many years. “Everyone remembers the brazil nut i discovered that looked like Che Guevara…” Nigel reminded me over an early morning white wine-spritza “It sent shock waves around the World when it sold at auction for close to £1 million pounds. But the one I found this week is bound to get even more media attention as it’s a more popular type of nut and looks like one of the Worlds’ most famous women.” He then showed me a photo of an almond and asked if I could guess who it looked like? But as i’d not brought my reading glasses I couldn’t tell. “It’s the spitting image of Amanda Holden! Britain’s Got Talents most favourite judge” he exclaimed whilst topping up my glass. When i looked again and squinted I could see that, despite my blurred vision, the likeness was indeed uncanny. “And” he added “It’s appropriate the likeness is on an almond. Because I hear Amanda loves them. They were her favourite ingredient when she won Masterchef. My almond…” he continued whilst lighting a cigarette “was discovered in a normal packet of mixed nuts.The rest of the nuts were nothing special, but this one, which i’ve christened Almonda Holden, caught my eye. It’s got to be worth a couple of million at least, given her status on TV” Nigel then told me that once again people are claiming it’s a fake, that he drew the face on with biro and that it’s just a money making stunt. But as he said whilst I was paying the large drinks bill “It’s all mother nature’s work. And as we know, she moves in mysterious ways!” So good luck to Nigel and Almonda, I’ll let you know how they get on at auction. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Nut Lookalike Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) Spot The Difference: Almonda Holden and namesake Amanda Holden
If anyone finds a pair of men’s used brown underpants, probably near the high street, please let me know. I think I mislaid them yesterday… Or maybe it was the day before that. I do remember quite clearly I had to remove them quickly behind some wheelie bins but after that my mind is a blank. I was quite blootered at the time, because Arsenal had just won a football match and although I don’t follow the game it seemed rather a good reason to celebrate. Heavily. So please help me find my extra-large “lucky” pants, as they are my favourite pair. Come to think of it they are my only pair.
Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)
By the way, I may have also lost a grey knitted balaclava as I was wearing it when I left the house on Friday night… and I’m not now.
(Above) The Colonel’s Recently Lost Lucky Pants
Great news for all of you religious music fans as Randy, the country’s number one sexually-deviant wooden “friend of Jesus,” is back performing his hits at Beckworth’s number one real ale venue. This Friday night he’ll be on stage with his close relatives, amateur ventriloquists Uncle Len & Aunt Nancy Wheely, and the threesome will be getting our bank holiday started with a real Christian swing. The born-again hitmaker’s are promising to sing all of their “C of E” cover versions including Killing In The Name Of, Miley Cyrus‘s Wrecking Ball (featuring Aunt Nancy twerking) and Tom Jones’s Kiss, which will bring God into our hearts, or so their agent has told me. They will also be signing copies of their heavily discounted debut album Do You Know Jesus?, which reached number 502 in the Christian charts on it’s release last year. It’s only a £5.50 on the door and this weekend’s featured ale at the pub is Whitsun’s Wee. Warning: If you don’t like people singing about Our Lord, or dummys, then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Local one man band, and ex-Rolling Stones bassist tribute act, Bill Wideman, has been fitted with a gastric band after dieting failed to reduce his weight. 127 stone Bill, known off stage as “Fat” Ron Penge, has always struggled with his size, “I was a large jolly baby, and never stopped growing” he told me over a take-away curry with chips. When Bill was younger he had a well documented brush with stardom, when in 1998 he was crowned weight watcher of the year, having allegedly lost 56 stone in 6 months. But the judges found out he’d used someone else’s photo as the “slim” shot and had actually put on over 13 stone, so he had to hand back the crown and would have also handed back the winning money had he not spent it on pies. Since then Bill has kept a low profile honing his one-man musical skills and appearing on the X-Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, the Antiques Road Show and Embaressing Bodies, whilst still finding time to busk in the high street. “I’ve incorporated getting craned on and off “stage” (the back of a lorry), and in and out of my bed, into my act which the audiences love” he the added “but it’s got to the point where walls in my house needed demolishing just so I could use the loo. Hence now needing the gastric band” So good luck to Bill nee Ron, I’ll let you know how the diet goes. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Diet Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) The “real” Bill Wyman, who obviously has gastric problems of his own
Hello. Sorry for disturbing you but my brothers and I can no longer stand idly by whilst this once proud country goes to the dogs, all thanks to our useless Government, Brussels and political correctness gone mad. I am of course talking about sausages, otherwise known as the Great British banger. This vital part of an Englishman’s everyday diet, the English sausage is now under attack from European bureaucracy and spineless Governments. After much red tape making across the channel by self-appointed, BMW driving, white wine drinking, pasta eating, food safety officials we have been instructed that our “As English as hayfever” sausages MUST now be made with at least a 40% imported meat content. Our hand-made sausages don’t even have 25% meat in them, so I don’t know how they reckon that will work. And due to last year’s “media scare” we’re no longer allowed to make them from horses. Or donkeys. This is just crazy. We are a traditional British butchers and have been proud to make meat-stuffs from Grand National winners and beach-walking asses for over 150 years. So please join us in standing up for a great traditional meal, stand up for Britishness, stand up for the Queen, and let’s give Johnny MEP a black eye. Vote UKIP next week and sign the petition in our shop to Save Our British Sausage (SOBS). David, Tony and Shawn Bradford. Bradford’s the Butchers. UKIP Supporters.
(Above) UKIP supporting great British sausages pictured with some English mash yesterday
Hello. PC Rozzer and I have hardly had time to water our tomatoes this week as clues relating to the Stag Do Massacre case are coming thick and fast. I’m not complaining as at least we’re not just finding ties. Today a wrapped sweet, probably dropped by the murdered Groom’s paternal Grandfather, was found by an observant member of the clergy on the path to the church (Thank you Archbishop Desmond Tutu). The immediate area around the 800 year old church-yard is currently cordoned off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad blow up the sweet, as they believe it to be booby trapped. This vital clue, deliberately left by the Groom’s Mum’s Dad, is a sweet treat made for sucking called a Murray Mint. To the casual observer that’s not out of the ordinary, but to trained detectives, like Rozzer and me, it points to the Granddad cunningly letting us know the identity of a key Stag Do Massacre gang member. He’s obviously called Murray. Or Mint. So this is where you could help. Perhaps you know someone in a gang that shares their name with a boiled sweet? Maybe you’re a friend of the Granddad and haven’t seen him or his wheelchair in the betting shop this week? Or perhaps, you like me, you want to know how to keep greenfly off your tomatoes? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case whilst attending to our vegetable plot. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police
(Above) The wrapped sweet treat named after it’s inventors Messrs Mint and Murray