Christmas Lights The Big Switch

Good evening Beckworth. Just a reminder that tomorrow evening two members of popstar sensations The Fizz (Formerly known as The Nolans) will be switching on Beckworth’s Christmas lights. Sadly I can’t name the two members of the band who will be with us but i’m told one is an electrician, so if we have any trouble with the lights (s)he’ll sort ‘em out on the cheap. This year’s Christmas display is surely in the top thirty of the town’s best displays of the last three decades and i’m told is about a forty-three feet long give or take a few feet. If enough bulbs haven’t blown it’s bound to brighten up the high street and be a festive tourist attraction, even for those who know Father Christmas doesn’t actually exist. The more observant amongst you may notice that some of this years lights are in the baked goods as they were once used in TV’s Bake Off before it got sold to Channel 4… See you tomorrow, thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

We’re Going Beserking For Twerking

Hello everyone, your favourite pub landlady here… This is a message to remind you all that next Friday night The Blind Badger will be hosting the 7th Annual International Twerking Finals in our back room. Quite a few of the World’s finest twerkers will be descending on Beckworth in the hope of winning a miniature tin trophy and £550 prize money. Strictly Come Dancing’s ex-“Mr Seven” Len Goodman will be leading the judging panel which includes local celeb and handyman Les Dennis and that bloke off the telly who once played Alfie Moon on Eastenders. A rivetting evening is assured and after the finals Gareth Gates’ Mobile Disco will be rocking the room. It’s only a tenner on the door and this week’s featured ale at the pub is Liquid Night-Rogen. Warning: If you don’t like people wearing flesh-coloured bikinis, showing off their bottoms or grabbing their genitals, then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show Back In Town This Week

Hello all. I just wanted to spread the fantastic news that this Wednesday the annual International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show returns to Beckworth. Last year it was held at the NEC but was a bit of a disaster i’m told. The show (the 16th held in Beckworth) will be opened at 9am by wheelbarrow enthusiast Jeremy Vine and his manager says he will be personally demonstrating many of the exhibits and probably unveiling some gardening firsts. Mr Vine has promised to spend tomorrow painting the village hall and cleaning the loos in preparation for the show. So see you there. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Remember, Remember It’s Actually The 5th Of November Tonight. Not Last Night.

Hello. Just a reminder that this year’s bonfire celebrations will be happening tonight, after Countryfile. Attractions will include a bonfire made entirely of old tyres and plastic bottles (we’re keen on recycling at the council), quite a few fireworks, a torch-lit choir, vegan food stalls and an effigy of Guy Fawkes lovingly made by local school children out of recycled sweet wrappers they collected on Halloween night. Prof Brian Cox will tell the story of the gunpowder plot from a small marquee (weather permitting) and for the under-5s once again the local Peppa Pig tribute band will be playing on a small open-air stage (some quickly tied-together crates). Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayo