I’m very proud to announce that local manufacturerer Elastic Plastic Ltd has today unveiled a unique celebratory new Labour Leader commemorative keepsake comissioned by the far left of the party. Based on the design of a classic swiss clock, the crudely-painted 99% diecast plastic (non-working) objet dart is limited to just 250,0015 pieces Worldwide and features many of Comrade Corbyn’s favourite things… renationalised steam trains, acorns, flowers, gaslights etc all moulded onto the faux timepiece. The details are exquisite such as opening doors at the top that reveal a life-like model of Jeremy himself wearing his favourite red coat and carrying a miner’s lamp, the cast rubber Karl Marx pendulum and the non-moving clock hands, which look as if they’ve gone on strike. It’s available at the Labour conference and from the party’s website, for only £376.78 (plus postage). Get one, or two, while you can. Congratulations to our local sweatshop for producing such a must have heirloom of the future. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce
(Above) The beautiful Made-in-Beckworth Commemorative Comrade Corbyn Clock
Good morning to you all. I am pleased to announce that as of today Beckworth residents with pest problems can use a new semi-professional eradication crew who’ve set up shop in town. On call night and day 24/7 five days of the week, from 9am – 5pm, the town’s infestation problems are well and truly over. This unqualified wife and husband team have adopted a sort-of James Bond spy theme to stand out from the crowd. At a press-conference this morn Mrs Oakhampton the MD declared “When me and my wheelchaired hubby decided to put our old van, poisons, guns and traps to good use and become mobile pest controllers we thought it best come up with a catchy brand… We’ve always been huge 007 fans, so it made sense to base the new business name on the films and books.” She then added “Thinking of something catchy gave us sleepless nights, we thought of A View To A Kill, but the film-makers threatened to sue us if we used it. Next up we got clever with The Woman (& Disabled Husband) With The Golden Traps, but people didn’t get the Bond connection, or that we killed pests. Nor did anyone understand You Only Die Twice, From Beckworth With Love or Cockroaches Are Forever… So we ended up with the catchy name Fleming’s Untrained Controllers of Pests. It doesn’t quite fit on the side of our small van, so that just says FUC of Pests.” Good luck to Mr and Mrs Oakhampton with their new business. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce
(Above) Mrs Oakhampton demonstrates her patented laser mouse killer
… Apologies to fans of 1980s popular beat music but this isn’t a warning that Marti Pellow and the boys have moved into town (that’s old news as they’ve been living harmoniously above the betting shop for four months…). No, this is to warn residents that many parts of Beckworth are currently under water due to flash flooding. Between 8am and 10am 6’7″ of torrential rain fell on the town overwhelming drains and causing the river to burst it banks. The local water authority and insurers have pledged to do nothing as it’s “An act of God” and so not covered. Unless we pay them handsomely of course. The fire brigade are doing what they can with stirrup-pumps and the WI are out in force with buckets and mops as the big clear up begins…. How I wish the council could help, but budget cuts mean we have no staff left with the applicable wet-weather training. G. Grimsby. Mayor
(Above) A visibly cautious Marti Pellow navigates Beckworth’s emerging deep puddles
Hello to all my devoted followers and apologies for the inordinant gap between my blogs. As you know tending to my beautiful hair, playing in my band Tears For Fears and steering my successful TV career take presidence over everything else. But now i’m back. And once again answering your difficult questions… Today, the first day of Autumn, I have been inundated with three emails asking: “Gorgeous Professor Brian can you answer the conundrum “Why Do we Have Autumn? And how does your hair always look so vibrant?”” I’ll keep the answer brief as the former is more historical than scientific, and the latter a secret i’ll take to the grave. As i’m very, very inteligent I’ve managed to research this Autumnal diemna whilst sat in make-up getting lovingly touched up by a fawning young man (I’m about to appear, and no doubt win, an episode of Pointless this afternoon)…
Autumn was invented many moons ago by the ancient Greeks as a way of describing the in-between weeks and months betwixt the heat of summer and the wintry cold of winter. After much research the clever Greek philosopher Barius Autumnus noticed that the climate changed gradually from September through to Christmas and the nights grew mysteriously longer, as if the sun was getting p****d off. He also noticed the leaves falling off trees (as did conkers but that’s another story) and that around this time people started wearing coats and scarfs. And warm vests. He declared that the ancient world should rejoice and embrace a new season. One in which farmers could bring in the harvest and the rains could fall almost daily. An additional ninety-two days to join the 250+ days already stationed within the traditional three seasons. At first Barius thought of calling it Second Spring. Or Late Summer Time. But these didn’t catch on. Then his pushy wife persuaded him that giving this fourth season his family surname, Autumnus, would give them greater social status. This would be fortunate as near neighbours, the Summerius family, thought themselves superior due to their Great Great Great Grandmother having invented summer. So Autumnus, or autumn as we now know it, came into being. As 21st September was Mrs Autumnus’s birthday it was chosen by Barius as the day the season would always start, which made a nice present for his wife. And that as they say “Is history”.
Right, now that my mascara and lipstick have been applied and my hair has been teased and volumised, I’m rushing off to meet my close friends from Pointless in the TV studio bar for a livener or three before we record the show. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.
(Above) Prof Brian Cox clearing leaves from his drive earlier yesterday
Breaking national horticulture news… The appeal by Beckworth Police, in respect of last year’s failure to get a conviction of local small holder, Clifford Pinner, has been dramatically thrown out by the High Court. Once again Mr Pinner has been cleared of all charges made against him in 2014′s indecency trial due to a lack of “fresh” evidence. Mr Clifford was unsuccessfully prosecuted by local police for allegedly growing “grotesque and sexually perverse” fruit and vegetables on his small allotment. Armed police had searched the plot and confiscated various offensive growths, though some accidentally got cooked and eaten at the police station. Evidence included large penis shaped marrows, a pair of large juicy melons (like lady’s pert boobies according to witnesses), a potato that could have easily been mistaken for a person’s bottom and small ripe tomatoes that looked very much like bright red testicles. Once again a relieved Mr Pinner hopes to get back to growing his highly-suggestive shaped organic fruits and vegetables without fear of police harrassment. But a Beckworth police spokesperson has suggested they may take the case to the Court of Human Rights. “We won’t rest until the b*****d is rotting behind bars” the spokesperson told me “he’s a nonce and a public menace and we’re after him.” Well done to Mr Cliff for getting off again and good luck to local Police with their second appeal. Christine Batley. Chief Naughty Foodstuff Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) A visibly relieved Clifford Pinner shows off his allegedly naughty looking melons (photographed by police earlier today)
Tummy-rumbling news just in… Local restaurant, and takeaway, The Bamboo Caravan has won the town’s very first Michelin star. Nigel Po, proprieter and chef, proudly showed off the entry in this years’ just published guide and told me over a chop-suey “I knew that one day I would get recognition for my skills in the kitchen and win this lovely accolade…” before adding “Especially since my cousin became the local Michelin restaurant inspector” Congratulations to Mr Po and all his talented staff. Christine Batley. Chief Crispy Duck & Spring Roll Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) Michelin’s very own Michelin Man, Greg Wallace, unveils this years’ Star winners
Great news for all those dance fans out there as Lords A Leapin’, the Tower Of London’s crack dance squad, will be putting on a charity show in the pub this Friday. The eight strong octeganarian dance troupe will be premiering moves they’ve managed to learn from watching episodes of Strictly Come Dancing repeatedly in slowmo. The event hopes to raise awareness of gout whilst raising money for sufferers and will be compered by Strictlys own “Mr Seven” Bruno Tonioninioli, with a disco and nibbles to follow. It’s only a £11.78 on the door and this weekend’s featured ale at the pub is Seventy Not Out. It’s a must for all the family! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
(Above) Beefeaters practicing their moves during a tea-break earlier today
Hello. Once again i’m duty bound to send a message of condolence to the losers of last night’s Chip Shop World Championships. Just like last year, our local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah crashed out of the competition televised on the Playboy channel. This time they were thrown out on a technicality, as they accidentally food-poisoned the judges (due to serving still-frozen fish). Head chef Rick Stein had tried to pull out all the stops even unveiling a world first, deep fried battered tomato soup (in a deep fried bowl), but all his chippy attempts failed to impress the vomitting judges. Marks were also lost for trying to bribe the very ill judges. Better luck next time to our local chippers. G. Grimsby. Mayor
(Above) Rick Stein’s daughter Frankie models some cold chips earlier today
Hey you lucky people, today the beloved HRH Queen becomes the oldest queen ever to have lived in this Great Britian and so it is time to celebrate. Big style. And as we know the best way to make a day special is with a kebab. And fries. We’ll be offering a one day only all you can eat until you’re sick offer (from the salad bowl only) for all the Queen fans who come wearing Queen t-shirts or carrying a signed photo of the Freddie Mercury. We’ll also be selling out-of-date greek beer from under the counter. And after 9.30 tonight we’ll be putting on a slide show of our recent visit to Buckingham Palace and have a Queen music tape playing to really make the day extra royal. All for just £24.99. At this crazy price why go anywhere else? We will be staying opening extra late to cater for the after-the-pubs-shut kebab-loving hungry royalists so why not bring the whole families for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Sees you later.
Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs
(Above) The HRH Queen making herself a kebab earlier today in celebration of 120 years or so of her sitting on the Royal throne
After many years of hard work and greasing-palms I am pleased to announce that a vastly improved Santa’sWonderfulWonderLand will be re-opening again in time for Christmas. We have made every effort to calm public nerves after last years closure and have made the festive amusement park as safe as we can, which isn’t easy given it’s on the site of the disused Beckworth Quarry (and was for many years used to dump toxic waste). But to pull in the crowds no expense has been spared. Amongst the few rides we have we can boast the UK’s only pedal-powered ferris wheel and a boat-ride through the manmade water-filled caves and drainage pipes. You can pay a bit extra to queue for the outdoor Santas Grotto, we’ve a reindeer riding arena (for under fives only) and a new Frozen themed (unheated) cafe selling frozen food. On weekends we’ll try to spray the whole place with fake snow (we’re hoping to buy tons of polystyrene balls off a supplier in Croatia) so Saturdays and Sundays will be extra magical. As snow costs a lot entry on these days will be a lot more expensive. Co-manager Robin Thicke reckons this Christmas & Frozen themed park is one of the best he’s ever worked at, and he’s been to quite a few between singing gigs at holiday camps. So come and celebrate Christmas and stuff early this year. Yours Dick Van Preston. Manager. Santa’sWonderfulWonderLand.
(Above) The allegedly much improved Christmas themed amusement park. Frozen cafe and happy punters not shown