Strike Warning

Good morning Beckworth. Please accept this post as forewarning that the council’s very lazy communist-sympathising IT department is due to have it’s annual strike from this evening, so this blog you’re reading may shut down for a while. This year’s strike has been (allegedly) agreed with management and the husband and wife techy team are unreasonably demanding the right to work from home on all weekday afternoons and two mornings, and never work any overtime, especially if Star Trek is on telly. We are a reasonable employer but this demand is really taking the p**s as these IT muppets don’t even have internet at home, although I believe they do have Sky and Netflix, paid for by the council (negotiated during a previous strike). Also i’ve found out the IT scum already “work” all-day at home on Friday so they can enjoy a lie in followed by an all-day session in The Bear & Pumpkin pub. We’re hoping to go to arbitration as soon as possible, but personally I just want to sack the miserable bearded b*st*rds. Sorry in advance for any upset caused. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

businessman computer problems

(Above) One of Beckworth’s striking IT B*st*rds

The New Football Season Kicked Off Last Saturday…

…And we missed the first games! Both our local football teams, the men’s Beckworth And Slocombe Academicals and the women’s Beckworth And Slocombe Laxadasicals, got the dates mixed up and thought their first matches were this coming Saturday and Sunday. Last weekend they were due to play at home in their first new season matches in the Co-Operative FuneralCare League and crowds duly assembled at the pitch. But the teams never showed. I hear they were spotted in a Beckworth pub enjoying some well-earned pre-season bonding… But not to worry, they would have been defeated anyway… the men’s team has for the last 14 seasons (they’ve got an impressive 100% match defeat record) and the women have a 96% defeat record. We’re still hopeful to put together a LGBT team this year, though we’re struggling to find players or think up a snappy team name. Good luck to all players this season. G. Grimsby. Linesman and now coach.


(Above) An artist’s impression of our football teams getting in some practice

Russian “Roping Scandal” Helps Local Olympian Reach Final In Rio

Breaking late afternoon news from early this morning in Rio (apologies I slept through the live coverage after a boozy night out and am only just catching up now)… Local not a gold-medalist skipper Bethany Folkestone had a stroke of luck in the semi-finals when the Russian competitor was disqualified due to a “roping scandal.” It was found she was using non-standard length skipping ropes and had extra-bouncy odour-eater soles in her trainers. So plucky 8-year old Bethany scraped through to the finals where, despite a valiant effort, she came last with just two points out of a possible 120. Gold contentiously went to North Korea, Silver to South Sudan and Bronze to Tuvalu (which i’d never heard of and sounds like the name of a ballroom). But as a famous loser once said it’s not the winning, it’s the taking part. But like we believe that! Commiserations to Bethany, let’s hope she does a lot better in 2020. Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Not Bothering To Stay Up Late Watching The Olympics Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette


(Above) The Russian team’s non-standard length skipping rope

Local Olympian Does Us Proud In Rio

Early morning news from Rio… Local could-be gold-medalist Bethany Folkestone has made it through to the semi-finals of the 2016 Olympics Games skipping which will take place tomorrow night in Rio. Confusingly that will mean it won’t be shown on telly until Saturday morning in the UK. Plucky 8-year old Bethany came last amongst the plucky skipping qualifiers but I am told she’s probably keeping her energy stored for the finals. It has also emerged that her Olympic costume is currently on a plane circling Beijing but may arrive in Rio in time for the closing ceremony (Bethany is currently competing in her vest and a pair of borrowed far-too-large shorts). Good luck to Bethany. Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Staying Up Late Watching The Olympics Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Beckworth_View Of Beijing

(Above) An artists impression of the view of Beijing that Bethany’s lost gym kit is currently enjoying

Local Olympian Competing On Telly Tonight

Breaking news from Rio… Local would-be gold-medal Bethany Folkestone will be competing in the qualifying rounds of the 2016 Olympics Games skipping this evening at 11.22pm our time. Confusingly in Brazil it will be morning, so don’t be surprised to see competitors still in their jim-jams eating breakfast. In a text message to her Mum here in the UK plucky 8-year old Bethany said she was excited to be competing at last despite still not having her gym kit (the airline who lost it say it’s currently on it’s way to New Zealand). Good luck to Bethany. Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Staying Up Late Watching The Olympics Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette


(Above) An artists impression of the plane carrying Bethany’s lost gym kit

Local Cleaning Firm Win Two Major Contracts

Good early afternoon to you all. On behalf of the Beckworth trade guild I am delighted to announce that local cleaning company, Nun and Dusted, have beaten off stiff Eastern European competition to win not one but two major contracts this week. And it’s only Tuesday! One is to regularly clean Beckworth’s Chinese owned and built nuclear reactor (with immediate effect following last weekend’s hushed up leak) and the second is to annually spring clean the North Korean owned and run sewage works at Inmanton. The wimple-wearing hygiene operatives are based in the local convent St Mary Of The Broom And Hoover which is run by ex-school caretaker and now top nun, the reverend Mother Glendolina. She has the company staffed exclusively by novice “sisters” who have taken vows of extreme cleanliness and OCD in addition to celibacy, poverty and occasional silence. The reverend Mum Superior told me in a letter “We are delighted that God has awarded us these contracts over the likes of cheap foreign competitors Spit & Polish and Spic and Stan” before adding in red biro “and in the name of the Father, Mother Mary, JC and the Holy Ghost we promise to keep the reactor and sewage treatment plant spotless or may the Lord smite me down with the jawbone of an ox.” Well done to the nuns and good luck with your expanding business. Yours, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerceand


(Above) An operative from local cleaning company Nun and Dusted in full action

Heroic Son Speed Skates To Rio

Hello to Beckworth residents and to the many millions of my husband Noel’s dedicated fans. I wanted to keep you updated with the whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist, last seen serving six years hard-labour in an Italian jail. Well, I’m pleased to announce that he escaped prison and today our dear boy arrived safely in Brazil. Handsome Neil hitched a six-month lift from Italy to Rio on a leaky oil tanker and practiced skating almost daily on the rusty deck. You may remember he left Beckworth a couple of years ago on his solo around the World quest and after a few hiccups is now at the 2016 Olympics. He sadly isn’t competing due to alleged irregularities, which we blame on his Russian trainer, but will be watching many events including his favourite event. The diving. You can sponsor Edmunds Jnr on his around the world trip via his dad (Noel Edmunds)’s Deal Or No deal website, and believe me he needs all the money he can get. Bribed prison guards, Olympic tickets and five-star hotels don’t come cheap, even when you’re the son of the World’s greatest TV game-show host. Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds


(Above) A artist’s impression of an oil tanker ideal for Neil Edmunds to skate on

Local Boy Likely To Be Honoured In Ex-PMs Honours List

Breaking David Cameron news just in… The Sunday Times newspaper has just released more details of the Tory faithful who “helped” Mr Dave in office and who are likely to be “thanked” in his latest honours list… One of the 943 new conservative peerages is said to be local lad, Mohammed Barnsley, who for many months has been delivering daily papers, “amateur photography” mags and comics to the Cameron’s third home here in Beckworth. If the peerage comes true it will certainly be a great day for the town, and a morale boost for all the plucky paper-round lads and lasses around the country. If he is elected to the “House Of Lords” 11 year old Master Barnsley would be one of the youngest right-wing Lords ever. I’ll keep you posted if i get more honours list news… Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Cash For Honours Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Beckworth_Child Lord

(Above) An artist’s impression of young Master Barnsley dressed as a Lord

Local Olympian Leads Team GB In Rio Opening Ceremony

Breaking news from a few hours ago… Local would-be gold-medal skipper Bethany Folkestone surprised all the World last night by leading out team GB in the opening ceremony of the 2016 Olympics Games. A clearly delighted 8-year old Bethany was allowed to stay up past her bedtime and got to carry a small Olympic twig, whilst her new BFF and Rio room-mate Andy Murray got to show off by waving a far too big English flag. Congratulations to Bethany. And to Andy… Christine Batley, Deputy Chief Staying Up Late Watching The Olympics Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette


(Above) Bethany, on the right, carrying her souvenir Olympic twig with pride

Local Olympian Arrives In Rio

Newsflash, newsflash… Local would-be gold-medalist Bethany Folkestone has arrived in Rio for the 2016 Olympics Games after a gruelling 96 hour journey. In a text an exhausted Bethany said she’s desperate for the loo and could do with having something to eat and drink. Hopefully in a Nandos. In a second text she mentioned her luggage had been lost, so she may have to compete barefoot in her vest and pants. We wish Bethany well in Brazil and hope her gym kit arrives very soon. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Rope Jumping Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

PE Kit

(Above) An artists’ impression of Bethany’s missing Olympic gym kit