Tickets Still On Sale For New Years’ Eve Celebrations

Hi to all, this is to remind you that tickets are still available for tonight’s New Years’ Eve Hootananny bash. This year we’re lucky to welcome back firm favourite’s The Faith Tones. Jesus’s number one folk troubadours, allegedly an “all-female” god-squad trio, will be playing tracks from their reissued Christmas LP and CD 21 Songs for Jesus’s Birthday, followed by prayers. Doors open at 6.30, and tickets cost £65 which includes a vegetarian hog roast, sparklers and bread & wine in a basket. For the non-wine drinkers tonight’s featured ale is Jesus Wants Me As A Sunbeam, and we’ve got a half-price sale on out of date crisps. So see you this evening to see in 2016 in some style. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Beckworth_Faith Tones

Shock At Death Of Local Rock Legend

Breaking sad rock news just in… Earlier this morning local rock legend, and keen crown green bowls player, Lemmy passed away in a Los Angeles B&B whilst he was on holiday. Vicar’s son Ian “Lemmy” Kiderminster was the lead singer of pop band Motorhead, who’s hit’s included Ace Of Spades and SClub Party. But to many he is most fondly remembered playing regularly for Beckworth’s mixed bowls team. The ethnically diverse team came fourth last season and Mr Kiderminster was one of it’s star players. Lemmy started his long rock career as a teenager working as a touring bingo caller opening for the likes of Jimi Hendrix, Sooty & Sweep and Abba before forming Motorhead in the mid 1950s. I learnt recently that he earnt his nickname Lemmy as a child, his father affectionately calling all his children after their places of birth, in Ian’s case Leamington Spa. Lemmy’s estranged sister Colchester is opening a book of condolence in the library for those wishing to honour the great man. Rest in peace Lemmy. Christine Batley. Chief “No Sleep Until Hammersmith” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Leamington Spa

(Above) Leamington Spa; the English town that gave it’s name to a rock legend

Apologies For Late Cancellation Of Swim

Hello and a belated happy Christmas. I just wanted to apologise for the last minute cancellation of today’ traditional Boxing Day Swimming Race. Recent storms have left the River Winnet close to flooding and so a swim in the currents wasn’t advisable. The public have also been warned those living close to the river to take move to the upstairs floors in their homes as more rain is predicted. Race organiser (and MP) Hilary Benn says she hopes to reschedule the race as soon as the high waters subside. All the best, Mayor G. Grimsby


(Above) Hilary Benn puts on a brave face after today’s annual swim is cancelled

Midnight Mass This Evening

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 6.15pm this evening due to the amount of good programmes on telly. And also i’m going to a party at 11 which i’m very excited about as they’re promising food and drink. And a roller disco. During the festive service Church warden Noddy Holder will be leading his “Slade Singers” in the carols and we’re hoping you will all bring festive fare to the church, such as mince pies and crackers, which we will distribute to the local homeless. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all this evening.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths


(Above) Noddy Holder practicing carols with some of his Slade Singers

Council Bring Christmas Cheer

Hello. This Christmas as a treat for the residents of Beckworth your enterprising and ethical local council are offering waste food-recycling bags as the top prize in it’s Yuletide raffle. Tickets only cost £2 each, minimum spend £10 per household, with all the money raised going towards refitting the council offices’ canteen. Other prizes in the raffle are bags of grit to keep paths free of ice, lunch with me (the mayor) and a months free use of the local library. So get a move on, the tickets are literally selling themselves! Merry Christmas, G. Grimsby. Mayor


(Above) Recycling bags the top prize in the council’s yuletide quiz

Film Fans Queue Hours For Big Film Night

Breaking fictional space-age news just in… Last night dozens fans of Star Trek queued patiently for over 5 hours to see the latest installment of the sci-fi film series, The Fort Awakens. The film (a bootleg copy) was shown in the scout hut on a small ipad which was passed around the audience so all got a good look. Many dressed as their favourite characters, local fan Steven Hawkin came as robot R2D2 and his neighbour Anne Widdecombe as Princess Leia. Christine Batley. Chief “May The Fort Be With You” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Scientist Steven Hawkin arrives at the cinema dressed as his hero, the Star Trek robot R2D2



Panto Opens Friday

Pantomime season is here and The Beckworth Players 2015 panto, The Lizard Of Aus, opens this Friday night. Very loosely based on the Disney film, and soundtrack, The Wizard Of Oz it stars my close friend Gary Barlow as Dorothy, with his band Take That playing (actually miming) the accompanying music live each night. James Cordan is returning to the UK to play the “Thin Man”, Bake-Off‘s Paul Hollywood is the “Bird Scarer”, and Cheryl Fernandez-Volcano plays the “Lioness”. We’ve taken over the scout hut for the productions and turned it into a magical “theatre”. Due to some adult orientated content and swearing the show is for over 18s only. We’ll be doing shows most nights until early January and tickets are on sale from the box-office and the local bakers, but be quick as they’re selling like hot cakes. See you at the shows, Chico (producer)

Beckworth_Gary Barlow Dorothy

(Above) Our leading lady Gary Barlow thoroughly relishing his five minutes of fame

Beckworth Resident Hitches A Ride Into Space

Breaking space-age news just in… Beckworth’s locally trained astronaut, and am dram enthusiast, Tim Peake has just blasted into space on his solo mission to conquer Mars on behalf of the UK. Or at least i think it’s something like that. Mr Tim cleverly hitched a lift on a Russian rocket and hopes to be on Mars later today in time to have his dinner. Good luck Mr Peake, we’re all behind you. Literally. And i’ll keep you up to date on this “out of this world” story as it happens. Christine Batley. Chief “Is There Life On Mars And If So Do They Speak English?” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_Tim Peake Thumbs A Lift

(Above) Astronaut Tim Peake thumbs a lift to get him to Mars

Booking Now; Naturists’ Christmas Lunch & Disco

Hello. Next Thursday your local naturists, the Beckworth and Slocombe branch, are having a “no clothes allowed” Christmas lunch, followed by a disco, in the scout hut. Due to health & safety concerns at the venue we can only cater for twelve people, so ticket’s are on first come first served basis day, so don’t delay buying them. DJ at the disco will be FatBoy Slim tribute act Slim Fatboy and he promises to take requests. My close friend Wayne has already prepared a list of his favourite songs and practiced his dance moves (he watched Dirty Dancing thirty-two times last week). So you why not join us on our fantastic naked festive day? Tickets are a bargain at only £217 per person. Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

Beckworth Nude Disco

(Above) An artist’s impression of naturists standing at the bar during Slim Fatboy’s DJ set at Beckworth’s “no clothes allowed” Christmas lunch and disco

At Last, GBH Is Allowed On The High Street

A big thank you to the local town planners for at last seeing sense and allowing Beckworth’s high street to be invigorated by the opening of a branch of GBH (Grand Burger Hut). This was a long fought battle as nimby’s didn’t want more chains coming to the town nor did they want a 16th house demolished to make way for the restaurant. But common sense prevailed and we can look forward to having our fifth burger joint opening, which should bring 7 jobs to the town. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce