Support Local Businesses This Black Friday

Hello all. I just wanted to share the offers some of Beckworth’s forward-thinking local traders are offering today in celebration of Black Friday… I’m told that Abdul’s The Chemist are offering a saving of 10% on all flavoured condoms and novelty mouthwash purchased alongside any NHS prescription… Knossos Kebabs have a 50p reduction on all kebabs if customers use the code KRAP19… Anglican Windows are offering a free door with any 30 plastic windows paid in full today… There’s half-price entry to the Banana Museum… The Lesbian And Gay And Bi-Sexual Society will be having cocktails and fannytails in the scout hut tonight (not sure if this to do with Black Friday or not?)…. Beckworth Police have a sale on their very popular “pre-loved” truncheons and handcuffs… The scouts are offering half-price “bob-a-job” when they get back home from school… The Blind Badger pub will be opening until 1am with discounts on out-of-date bar snacks… Master Gregs The Grocers are giving “a cuddle from Greg Wallace” away with every 2kg of carrots… and Fawkes Funerals have 10% off all 2nd hand coffins if ordered before 4pm today… So you’ve lots of reasons to shop locally today and support Beckworth High Street… Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Jason Orange Announces Post Take That Plans

Hello. I’m very honoured to announce that my cousin, and regular glazing customer, Jason Orange today called a press conference in the showrooms of Anglican Windows (where Jason was ordering new patio doors) to share with us his secret-until-now post- Take That plans. Whilst expertly demonstrating our range of uPVC windows to members of the media, cousin Jase unveiled his idea to form a super group alongside Brian Harvey, John Hendy and Terry Coldwell (ex-members of East 17) and Howie Dorough (of rockband The Backstreet Boys). He’s registered the name Just Seventeen Boys and hopes to use sponsorship and crowdfunding to finance a tour of local pubs and record a single. On behalf of Anglican Windows may I wish Jason and his young friends the best of luck with the band. And with the new doors. Celine Dion, manageress, Anglican Windows


(Above) Jason Orange’s handsome arm demonstrates how to safely open a double-glazed window earlier today

January Sale At Anglican Windows

Hurry, it’s the last few days of our January sale with up to 10% off our cheap and cheerful double-glazed doors and windows. Based on 2000 year old designs, as laid down in the scriptures by our founders Jesus and his Dad Joseph, all work is carried out by our crack team of genuflecting Anglican priests and comes with God’s very own 3 month guarantee. Satisfied customers include Dale Winton, Ann WiddecombeBoris Johnson and The Archbishop Of Canterbury. So come on down to your local Anglican Windows showroom and let the The Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost into your home, shed or business. God bless you, Celine Dion, manageress, Anglican Windows


(Above) Anglican Windows’ priests fitting and blessing a new toilet window