International Twerking Finals

This is a message to remind you all that this friday night The Blind Badger will be hosting the 3rd Annual International Twerking Finals in our back room. Seventeen of the World’s finest twerkers will be descending on Beckworth in the hope of winning a trophy and £500 prize money. Last year’s winner Vera Cyrus-Jones (Mylie Cyrus‘s English cousin) will be head judge alongside Strictly Come Dancing’s “Mr Seven” Len Goodman and local celeb and handyman Les Dennis. A rivetting evening is assured and after the finals Gareth Gates’ Mobile Disco will be rocking the room. It’s only a tenner on the door and this week’s featured ale at the pub is Liquid Night-Rogen. Warning: If you don’t like people wearing flesh-coloured bikinis, showing off their bottoms or grabbing their genitals, then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue


(Above) The International Twerking Trophy, won last year by Mylie Cyrus’s Cousin Vera

Word Of The Year Announced

Hello all. Cambridge Dictionaries have today announced their word of 2013, Smurfy. Although virtually unknown this time last year the word is now the most used verb in the western Hemishere. Celebrities, pop-stars and even World leaders such as Barack Obama and David Cameron are literally queuing up to boost their street cred with a sneaky smurfy (For those of you still living in the dark ages a smurfy is the act of creating a self-portrait using a camera-phone, or more traditional oil paints, whilst dressed as a smurf). Interestingly last years’ word of the year, flatulent, has very quickly dropped out of use primarily since it was banned by the BBC for being over-used in episodes of Eastenders and lowering the tone of University Challenge. Christine Batley. Chief Verb And Noun Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) David Cameron boosting his chances of re-election with a quick smurfy

Mary Portas Opens New High-Street Attraction

Hi, after many months of planning the council can confirm that Mary Portas has today succeeded in regenerating Beckworth high-street by installing one of her very attractive Portas Loos. It’s already proved a must visit destination with no less than 21 people relieved to use the patended self-flushing convenience today alone, and the first, local celeb and witty Irishman Terry Wogan, even received a certificate (after he’d washed his hands). In line with getting as much TV-exposure as possible the mobile toilet was unveiled by Mrs Portas herself whilst the local scouts’ brass band played God Save The Queen in the pouring rain. In line with inflation the cost of spending a penny is just £1.50, or £5 if you do a number two (though that does include free toilet roll), a bargain in these times of recession. The loo is bright pink so easy to find and presently sited right outside the funeral parlour, so is well situated for Santa’s Grotto and Decembers’ January sales. G. Grimsby. Mayor


(Above) Mary Portas checks her make-up whilst using the new high street Portas Loo

International Show Opens Tomorrow

Hello all. Just a reminder that Beckworth’s car parks may be a bit busier than normal this week as we are set to be swamped by foreign and native trade deligations visiting this years’ International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show. This is the 12th year Beckworth has hosted the prestigious show, which promises the unveiling of some World firsts. The grand opening tomorrow at 6.30am will be presided over by no less than Mr and Mrs Wheelbarrows themselves, Richard and Judy Madeley. Tickets are still available for the four day event, so get yourself down to the village hall to see all that’s new in hand-propelled vehicles and to discover the fascinating world of airbourne- water technology. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce


(Above) Wheelbarrow fans Richard & Judy “horsing” about in advance
of this weeks International show

Tempah Tantrum Over Blown Bulbs

Hello all. Well, what a fantastic evening was had by all yesterday when local folk singer Tinie Tempah switched on Beckworth’s Christmas lights, probably the town’s best ever. And fortunately the ceremony was almost fault free and quite professional, we certainly didn’t want a repeat of last year when comedy duo Jedward were late arriving (their train was derailed by the wrong sort of leaves on the line), or the year before when Dame Judie Dench fell off the podium trying to press the faulty lights-on button. This year the only hiccup was a dozen bulbs blowing after the switch-on, leaving very small Mr Tampah inconsolable. But once placated with a mars bar and a Diet Fanta the little fella said the lights were “very pretty” or rap words to that effect. With the street lit-up it really does feel like Christmas is at last on it’s way… Also, a special mention to local lads made good, Jamie Oliver and his friend Gordon Ramsey, for their wonderful mulled wine and chilli infused mince pies, very yummy though not cheap at £15 a pop. Well done to Mssrs Oliver, Gordon and Mr Tiny. Christine Batley. Chief Christmas Lights Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Tiny Mr Tempah is carried by his minder to switch on the Christmas lights

Pantomime – Open Auditions

Pantomime season is almost upon us and in the spirit of Christmas The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for some minor walk-on parts in this year’s theatrical extravaganza. We are extremely lucky to be putting on the first ever production of Cinderella and The Seven Beanstalks, written by Beckworth’s very own Mr Musical, Andrew Lloyd Webber (with a bit of help from his brother Sir Tim Rice). And a successful panto wouldn’t be a success if the lead parts weren’t taken by The Krankies (as the ugly giants), a member of Eastenders (Dot Cotton aka June Brown will be playing Cinderella) and a 1980s pop singer you may vaguely have heard of (Professional scouser Sonia will be playing one of our beanstalks). Other stars appearing will be Alan Titchmarsh as Zips (Button’s brother), Coldplay and Muse as the Seven Dwarfs and Jodie Marsh as Prince Charming . But we will still need cast members for inconsequential non-speaking parts. Auditions for these will be held this Thursday evening at 7.30 in our rehearsal space (above Chiswicks The Fishmongers) and are open to anyone who can sing and dance and are extremely good looking. Director (and local politician) Nick Clegg says he wants to find the next Su Bo and Gareth Gates, so please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own tap shoes. Given the success of our last panto, Aladdin In The Hood, we expect to be a large turn-out, so arrive early. See you Thursday, Chico (producer)

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(Above) Eastender’s June Brown trying on her Cinderella costume earlier today

Remember Remember Our 5th Of November

Thank you to all who attended last night’s spectacular Beckworth bonfire celebrations and a special thanks to the emergency services who quickly dealt with all the injuries and the many incidents of arson. The fire brigade were very quickly on the scene to put out the fire at the scout hut which meant the very realistic re-enactment of the gunpowder plot could proceed, albeit without the benefit of having a roof . Also, special mention goes to Noel Edmonds who valiantly put on his (would-be) torch-lit kite display despite running out of batteries. For the few who could make out his kites in the dark night sky it was quite spectacular… probably. G. Grimsby. Mayor


(Above) A dramatic moment captured during Noel Edmonds’ kite display

Our Offers Are On Fire

Tomorrow is the Guy Fawke’s bonfire day and in celebration of Mr Guy blowing up a house near parliament we are having a one day Bonfire sale. At 99p Land there’s 10% off a few old sale items marked with a white flaming cross, so come fill your boots and spend spend spend. The first 10 customers through the door will be getting a 99p voucher to spend as they wish on the day (offer excludes cigarette lighters, razer blades, pocket knifes, parafin, alcopops, nipple-clamps and frozen fish). We’re open 8 till 8 (closed for an hour at lunchtime) so get a flaming move-on. Bim Gujranwala. Manager. 99p Land

Halloween Costume Competition Winners Announced

Hello all. News just in… After much deliberation by our Halloween panel, chaired by Take That singer and fancy dress-shop owner Mark Owen, we can now announce the winners of the 2013 Beckworth’s Best Halloween costumes. Winner of the under 18s was local schoolboy and busking sensation Jake Bugg (you’ve probably seen him playing his guitar outside the bank) and the adults winner was grocer’s daughter and local “entertainer” Lady Gaga. An overjoyed and shocked Miss Gaga was quoted as saying “I’m shocked and totally overjoyed” before explaining “I had only popped out to post a letter and buy some fags!” When asked about her costume Lady replied “To be honest i’d forgotten it was halloween and was only dressed in my old housework clothes.” Well done to both our worthy winners. Christine Batley. Chief Halloween Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Miss Gaga popping out to the shops in her old housework clothes