Come and Join STUCCO

Hello everyone. As you are probably aware one of the devil’s favourite shops is hoping to open in the High Street on the site of the old Kwikfit. This shop will doubtless overrun our main thoroughfare and be free to spread depravity, prostitution, petty larceny and litter with it’s plethora of tempting cheap coffee and moist cake offers. I for one don’t want Beckworth to go the way of every other depraved UK high street and so propose we oppose the planning permission. This faceless International Irish coffee chain Cost O’Bucks must be halted from blighting our beautiful town and for this reason I am proposing we form an action committee. I have taken it upon myself to name it, Stop This Ubiquitous Coffee Chain Opening aka STUCCO, and have booked the snug at The Blind Badger this Tuesday at 7pm to have an inaugural meet. Please spread the word and see you then. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh. Chairperson and founder. STUCCO

SCABs Take Centre Place In Queen’s Speech

Hello everyone. I’m not usually one to give myself a pat on the back, but this week I think I deserve one. All because her majesty HM The Queen has picked up a baton I created this time last year. I am talking about SCABs (Senior Citizens Against Bags) which, through bring and buy sales, sponsored fasts and occasional publicity stunts created such a ground swell of support that the Queen herself has told her Government to ban shopping bags. The World over! So what a roaring success for “grey power”.

I will continue to accept cash donations as shopping bags won’t be banned for a year or two and there’s probably still work to do. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh

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(Above) Beckworth’s very own Prince Philip can hardly contain his delight on hearing that bags are to banned the world over

Council To Sell Haunted Toilets

Fellow toilet users of Beckworth I have disturbing news fresh from the bowels of the council chambers. The namby-pamby councillors have, in their wisdom, voted to sell off one of our town’s greatest historical assts. I am of course referring to local landmark, the Gentlemen’s public conveniences on the corner of Floyd Street near the statue of Nelson. Not only are the lavatories haunted but the building should be Grade 1 listed for it’s religious significance. It’s status as the UK’s most haunted WC is assured given the numerous sightings of late night visitors skulking in the shadows and hand dryers going off at all hours. Many residents have witnessed cubicle doors banging shut at all hours followed by ghostly moanings and groanings. Poltergeists are said to remove light bulbs and raid the condom machine on a daily basis and mysterious sounds and odours emanate almost hourly from the Victorian latrine. I myself have found unflushable wastage left behind by a phantom owner with irritable bowel syndrome. The red-brick convenience has become so notorious after dark that men choose to use the convenience in pairs, but this tourist attraction still needs saving. It is the UK’s last “angular” men-only convenience. Completely lacking any curves it was designed in the 19th century by leading public convenience builder, and practicing mysogynist, Bishop Lewis Collins. The Catholic bishop believed curves, and the fairer sex, were the work of the devil’s which encouraged fornication so his toilet design were for men only and comprised entirely of sharp angles. As it is the last of his “cathedrals to male defecation” existing in this country we must save it. To this end I am forming Save The Old Angular Toilets, STOATs, to tirelessly campaign to stop the council selling off of this national treasure. Please join me this Thursday at 6.15pm in The Blind Badger pub garden when we will can discuss fund-raising, membership packs and tactics.

Ray Eastleigh. Founder Member. STOATs

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Missing Musketeers

Well done to the BBC for their very interesting drama series Musketeers. My only criticism is why have they fallen into the decades old trap of leaving out the fifth and sixth musketeers, Darius and Pathos, who were central characters in the original book. The hapless musketeers may have been described as sexist, flatulent and a tad portly but surely that would only have added to the dramatic story lines? For me their noticeable absence spoilt the enjoyment of an otherwise spotless documentary series. Perhaps the cull was due to the BBC cuts that also have seen the broadcasters move a frankly uneventful Bill Oddie-less Spring Watch to a shed in the wilds of northern England? Ray Eastleigh

The OAFs Need You

Fellow citizens of Beckworth, and surrounding environs, the time has come for us to defend our way of life, to put on a united front to and stop faceless corporations mugging us on our high street in broad daylight. I am of course talking about the harmful fracking that has started on Floyd Street, Beckworth’s heart if you will. Without warning the road and pavements (sidewalks to our non-English speaking foreign residents) of our vibrant shopping street are being torn up, just to find gas for cookers. I can speak for the majority of residents when I say we cook with electric so have no need for this fracked gas (apart from a small need to run the central heating, but thats just in winter and cold days the rest of the year). So I am organising an anti-fracking group, Oldies Against Fracking, and will tirelessly campaign to stop this digging up of our high street just for the greater good of this country. I didn’t even vote for Nick Clegg‘s Liberals and know fracking is his ruddy idea! This coalition will be the end of us, gas or no gas! Anyway, please join us this Wednesday at 10am when we will attempt to surround the fracking site with a human shield (Bring sarnies and a flask as we plan to be there until near tea time, or earlier if it rains).

Ray Eastleigh. Founder Member. Oldies Against Fracking (OAFs)

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(Above) The Fracking starts on Beckworth High Street

BABS SCABs

Hello everyone. The inaugural meeting this week of SCABs (Senior Citizens Against Bags) to ban shopping bags from Beckworth was a roaring success.

We now boast a membership of five, and all members, myself included, attended our first meeting in the pub. Many ideas for pro-active action were discussed, the most pressing to achieve our goal (of banning all bags) is the need of funds. So to raise cash we are going to host a nearly-new-and-old Bring And Buy Sale. I will keep you informed of the when and where’s nearer the time. In the meantime please donate any donations for the sale via my front porch. You can leave stuff there safely so don’t worry. So please pick SCABs to get bags binned for good. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh

PS Just to clear up any confusion, the ban does not include refuse bags or those ones for clearing up dog pooh

PPS Don’t forget the Apprentice is on television tonight

Calling All SCABs

Hello everyone. My campaign to ban shopping bags from Beckworth is off to a flying start, in just two weeks over 21 people have signed my partition.

Therefore the time is ripe to hold our inaugural SCABs (Senior Citizens Against Bags) meeting. I propose meeting in the Blind Badger as it’s the nearest pub to my house and if we meet at 6 – 7 it’s happy hour. So how about getting together next Tuesday, 14 May? Let me know if you’ll be coming, and if there’s likely to be more than 6 of us I can reserve a table. Together we can get some plans formulated, so please pick SCABs to get bags binned for good. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh

Well Done ITV

I don’t normally watch the commercial channels, too many adverts for alcohol, deoderants and cheap sofas, but a write up in the Mail brought to my attention two new comedy dramas that ITV are airing on Mondays from 9pm (cocoa time as I like to call it). Well, I was not disapointed, to the extent I laughed so much my beverage went cold. I am talking about Vicious and one who’s name escapes me, but I think its called Shoot The Unemployed or something equally as catchy. I won’t spoil the plot but let’s just say the former is a very realistic portrail of two mature gentleman friends who share a flat (so good to see us elder folk not patronised, though why the men need to be quite so effeminate or angry i’m unsure). The latter is about the workers (and shirkers who visit) in a labour exchange. Not somewhere I’ve frequented, but the programme is so realistic I no longer feel I need to. Both feature great characters in hilarious situations. So well done to the ITV.  And here’s an idea, you can always record the programmes to watch in the mornings after viewing Fake Britain, then you can fast-forward through the vile advertising breaks.

Watch them both. You won’t regret it.

Ray Eastleigh

Pick SCABs

Hello everyone. I think it’s high time we banned bags from being used when shopping in Beckworth (handbags and woven bags would be exempt). Bag banning has proved successful in other towns and I can’t see why it shouldn’t be popular here.

As one of the more trusted members of society I hereby toss my hat into the ring to get the anti-bag ball rolling. To this end I have formed SCABs (Senior Citizens Against Bags) and urge you sign my online partition. I’ve no idea how one signs something that isn’t paper based but maybe one of our local computer johnnies can help? Otherwise it’s probably best to send me a signed postcard, or notelet.

So please pick SCABs to get bags binned for good. Ray Eastleigh

Well Done BBC

Well done to the BBC for at last airing a comedy that is both side-splittingly funny, well acted and is suitable for all the family (no ruddy swearing for once). I’m talking about The Wright Way, written by Elton John. I won’t spoil the plot but let’s just say it’s about a health & saftey inspector (something close to my heart). It’s got great characters that are hilarious. My only criticism is it’s on too late (I was canny and recorded it, then watched it this morning after viewing Homes Under The Hammer).

Watch it. You won’t regret it. Ray Eastleigh

Not Elton John

(Above) Successful sitcom writer Elton John