Remember Remember The 17th of February

Hello. Just a reminder that this Friday, 17th February, it’s RAOK Day (Random Acts Of Kindness day) and to celebrate with a purpose Beckworth job centre is launching it’s inaugral National Take A Goth To Work Day. This tie in is likely to become a great annual country-wide opportunity to help these noir-lovers and participants will be able to say I was there at the start… Yes it’s down to you to get these mumbling workshy doom-mongers off benefits and into full-employment, and preferably not just jobs in undertakers. It follows a trial day last year, in Doncaster, where everyone in the town had to dress as sun-avoiding Goths whilst taking a real one to work. It wasn’t a success up North but we’re still rolling it out in your local town, just without the need for all towns people to dress like they’re vampires and listen to loud music.

If your employer has signed up to the scheme you can take as many unemployed black-clad misery guts with you on Friday and have them shadow you all day to see what work is like. We currently have a shortage of companies signed up, so please help us out. We are especially short on surgeons and nurses, chartered surveyors, strippers and judges to take goths with them on Friday, so if you’re one of these get your skates on and sign up. Some poor old ashen-faced lank-haired youth is relying on you to transform their sad, pathetic life. Now that really is a random act of kindness. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

Later This Week Why Not Not Pop A Squirrel In Your Pocket

Hello. Just a reminder that Wednesday to Friday this week it’s National Take A Rodent To Work For Part Of The Week week. This is a golden opportunity to introduce all our small furry friends to the world of gainful employment, whether full- or part-time, and get them off benefits. And, if you yourself are one of our beloved country’s many many workshy, the unemployed can take their mammals to sign-on or to accompany them to the off-licence to get drunk and abusive outside the station. And let’s not forget our aged end-of-life retired citizens who can take mice, gerbils, rats, beavers etc along to a social club or to buy cigarettes whilst complaining about b****y foreigners to the tolerant Asian shop-keeper. This half-week is also a good opportunity to shine a light on to some incredibly stupid rules, for instance: did you know rodents are currently banned from hospitals, dentists, public toilets and doctors surgeries. Crazy isn’t it? But let’s face it rodents are so small you should try sneaking yours in.

In previous years I’ve had many letters and unstamped postcards saying “But I haven’t got a small burrowing-animal to offer work-experience to.” Fear not, you can now “test-drive” one as local pet shops and online retailers are hiring them out. I’m told rental is for a minimum of five days, prices vary depending on the size of rodent, but a deposit of £350 per animal is required first. Sounds like a bargain.
And the icing on the “mammal-shaped cake” is that some local employers are offering internships to these creatures, such as working for blocked-drain companies or delivering groceries in little carts. So get your skates on and have a great end of week at work with man’s tiny best friends. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus
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Open Day At School Of Mime & Shadow Puppetry

Hello. Just to let you know that next Tuesday Beckworth’s world famous “gesture acting” establishment, The Milli Vanilli School Of Mime & Shadow Puppetry, will be quietly throwing open it’s doors to the public. It’s part of the Government’s ongoing, but so far unsuccessful, national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job initiative. The scheme offers bone-idle job-seekers a one day hands-on experience of work, and due to expected low turn-out they can even bring their friends and families. The only rule whilst attending the £52,000 a term school is that there is no speaking or sounds allowed, communication is through mime or shadow hand-signals only. Co-owner of the famous school, Mr Albert Milli, has said he will show anyone who can be arsed to turn up the rudiments of his patented high-brow “Milli mime” whilst his partner Mr Reg Vanilli will be teaching basic shadow puppetry and running the school’s canteen. It’s bound a thrilling day out for all the family and there will food available all day to buy and consume silently, plus for the under-fives a ball-pool in the stair well. It really will be a wonderful day, so see you there.

More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

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(Above) A clearly excited Mr Milli and Mr Vanilli at their “acting” school earlier today

Funeral Director’s Open Day

Hello. Just to let you know that this Friday one of our local undertakers (Tottenham and Arsenal Funeral Directors) will be throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. Bone-idle job-seekers who attend are promised hands-on experience, and they can even bring their nearest and dearest. Activities at the openday will include hearse maintainance; grave digging; grave-stone carving; coffin carrying and lowering; condolence giving; and best of all cadaver embalming and dressing. It’s bound a thrilling day out for all the family and there will be tea and biscuits; coffin-testing for the elderly and, weather permitting, for the under-fives a ball-pool in a recently dug grave. It really will be a wonderful day, so see you there.

More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

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(Above) Local grave-digger Jeremy Kyle Snr prepares a grave for Friday’s open day

Next Week Pop A Beaver In Your Pocket

Hello. Just a reminder that next week it’s National Take A Rodent To Work Week. This is an opportunity to introduce our small furry friends to the world of gainful employment, whether full- or part-time. And, if you’re one of the millions of our country’s workshy, the unemployed can take their mammals to sign on or to accompany them to the pub and to get drunk in the park. And our retired citizens can take mice, gerbils, rats, beavers etc along to play bingo or to buy a lottery ticket whilst complaining about the price of milk to the newsagent. Stupid as it may seem, rodents are currently banned from hospitals and doctors surgeries, but let’s face it they are so small you could try sneaking yours in.

“But I haven’t got a small burrowing-animal to offer work-experience to” I hear you non-rodent owners cry! Fear not, you can “test-drive” one as the local pet shop are hiring them out. Hire is for a minimum of five days, prices vary depending on the size of rodent, but a deposit of £250 per animal is required first.
And wonderful news; local employers offering internships to these creatures have agreed to supply complimentary tiny treats and bedding material. So what are you waiting for, now man’s tiny best friends can be useful at work. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus
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(Above) A pet beaver relaxes before setting off to work earlier today

Psychiatrist’s Open Day Tomorrow

Hello. Just to let you know that this Friday our local psychiatrists, Kyle, Winfrey & Partners, will be throwing open their doors as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. It was meant to be an open day at the chiropodists but a clerical mix-up (we couldn’t spell shiropadists and so contacted the wrong firm) means it will instead be a day spent with shrinks not feet doctors armed with pumice stones. But on a brighter note you will be able to sit on private (usually one to one) therapy sessions, administer advice and anti-depressants and generally get to know what it’s like to deal with mental health issues. Kyle, Winfrey & Partners assure me they are really good at getting to the root of peoples inner most problems, so it promises to be a really magical day. I for one will be there the whole day, taking notes as nutters fascinate me. The firm say they’ll be laying on rich tea biscuits for OAPs and Rorschach Tests for the under fives, so it’s a splendid day out for the whole family. See you there. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space.

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(Above) A psychiatrist’s comfy couch in use earlier today

Sex Therapist’s Open Day

Hello. Just to let you know that this Friday our local sex therapy clinic will be throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. Those job-seekers who attended the abattoir and prison open-days last year will know it’s likely be a real eye opener and a thrilling day out for all the family (although it is aimed at doleites everyone is indeed welcome). The clinic is internationally famed for being at the forefront of “sexual healing” catering for individuals, couples and larger groups (they offer a discount for 6 or more people). It’s popularity has meant it’s become a magnet for oddballs with hang-ups and disfunctions “downstairs” and put Beckworth on the sexy problem map. “People come from all corners of the globe, from Spain to Scunthorpe, to be sexually councelled by the mustachioed counsellors Barry and Paul Chuckle” a regular client from the world of showbiz told me. I’ll be going as I’m desperate to know what it’s like to have problems with sex. My only problem is not getting enough!!! So why not join me from 9am on Friday and watch the Chuckle brothers as they cure people in front of our eyes, maybe we’ll see someone famous getting their “Mr Floppy” seen to. Their receptionist Joanna Lumley says the brothers are promising to have something for everyone, including therapy sessions, group “role play” (kinky!) and “hands-on” demonstrations which i’m keen to help out with. There’s also bingo in the afternoon and “pin the penis on a pervert” for the under fives. It really will be magical, so see you there.

More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

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(Above) The Chuckle brothers discussing one of their highly confidential sex therapy cases whilst dressed smartly on a visit to their Mum’s house

Masseuse Open Day

Hello. Just to let you know that tomorrow our local Thai massage parlour (Han Ki Pan Ki) will be throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. Those lazy job-seekers who attended the recent abatoir and prison opendays will know it’s likely be a real hands-on experience and a stimulating day out for all the family (everyone is welcome although the day is really for dole scum). So come and have a relaxing massage in beautiful quiet surroundings (Han Ki Pan Ki is between the scrap yard and the drum shop). Meet the masseurs, who promise to be uplifting and attentive company with a “special something” for everyone over 18. Workshops will be held on applying essentials oils, handling drunk clients and something called “finding those elusive zones and working up rhythmic pressure.” Our wheelchair-user friends will be catered for in the Han Ki Pan Ki “drive-thru” and to keep the younger members of the family occupied there’s a television showing reruns of The Teletubbies, subtitled in Thai. The day will be a real eye-opener, so see you there.

More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Hello. Just to let you know what a success Friday’s open day at HMP Septonville was. Our local maximum-security prison certainly know how to make visitors welcome especially us women-folk! Just to say I wasn’t the only one to find romance on the day, the place is chock-full of potential soul mates (there are so many wrongly-convicted young men locked up in there!) Anyway, a couple of people signed up for work-experience under the Government’s Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme, which is great, and we all made lot’s of new friends. On the downside, if you can call it that, a few inmates did manage to escape on the day by mingling with us happy visitors. As they say, you can’t make an omelette without buying eggs. I found eight men squeezed into my mini when I got home, and after a lovely weekend enjoying the sunny weather and having a trip to the seaside some have now sadly returned to the prison with an unneccessary Police escort. Reg “The Slocombe Strangler” Bosworth is still at large after baking me a lovely Jamie Oliver souffle as a gift, and the loveable big softy is welcome at my home any time.

Given the success of the event more local employers are promising open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

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(Above) The Slocombe Strangler’s souffle

Prison Open Day

Hello. Just to let you know that this Friday our local maximum-security prison (HMP Septonville) will be throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. Those job-seekers who attended the recent abatoir openday will know it’s likely be a real eye opener and a thrilling day out for all the family (although it is aimed at the workshy everyone is indeed welcome). I’ll be going as I’m desperate to know what it’s like inside!!! So come and meet the inmates. They’ll show you what solitary confinement is like in the high security wing, help you to pick up carelessly-discarded soap in the shower block and even give one-on-one instruction in making mail bags. They will be something for everyone, demonstrations on riot control, dealing with dirty protests and bodysearches for smuggled in narcotics. There’s bingo and physical education for the elderly (so bring your shorts) and for the under-fives there’s Put The Handcuffs On The Convict, hide and seek and, weather permitting, a bouncy castle in the exercise yard. It really will be wonderful, so see you there.

More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

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(Above) A Septonville cell. Dirty protest thankfully out of shot