Hello and happy leap day. Please join us, your local councillors, council employees, pensioners and school children, in spending the day playing leap frog on the sports field and then through the town after lunch in the drive-thru McDonalds. This very fine Beckworth tradition started just two leap years ago but was based on a probably true story that this is what Beckworth peasants did on leap days in the middle ages. It has been a great success and even made the national TV news in 2012 (it was a quiet day for news stories). Let’s see if we can get on News At Ten again this year. See you later, Mayor G. Grimsby
Dear all. I’m very pleased to announce that Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and his son Heston Blumenthal have almost finished another part of their mammoth “Fudgeworth” model village (of Beckworth made entirely of fudge). They’ve made a great many models in the past 24 months but need a few thousand fudge bricks to complete the high street and Sainsco supermarket. Then they will be able to open to the fee paying the public, who I am sure will flock from far and wide to visit the sweet smelling sticky attraction. Heston told me during a long pungent toilet break earlier today that he and his Dad need all of Beckworth’s residents to make at least seven kilograms of fudge each to get this part of the model finished in time for Easter. Or summer… So get baking Beckworth, the celebrity chefs need you. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for differently-abled residents not personally delivering fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel
(Above) Father and son fudge-builders Tony and Heston
Hello. Tomorrow is a very important day in the Beckworth historical calendar and for once it would be opportune if residents actually took notice. For those still living in the dark ages, or the many with their heads stuck in phones ignoring the wonderous world around them, it is Fishfinger Fire Day. And to celebrate we are asking residents to wear the frozen foodstuff in their button holes, just as was done ritually until early last century. We tried to get it re-celebrated last year but no one joined us. Shame on you! So let’s try again. For those interested it was first noted in local history books over 335 years ago: on 19th February 1578 at 4.26am Beckworth almost lost it’s centuries-old fishfinger industry. Because in those early hours an accidental fire destroyed the town’s sole manufacturer and could have almost completely flattened the town and outlaying villages, had the gentle night breeze been really strong and the flames far larger. The fishy inferno was absent-mindedly started by the baker making the tangerine-hued breadcrumbs, which are of course still the most vital ingredient today (some olden things just can’t be improved on; even by computers and horseless carriages). Anyway, the ensuing blaze could have proved tragic if it wasn’t for the actions of a hirsute young navy officer home on leave: Lieutenant Lupin BirdEye. For he noticed clouds of orange smoke and a burning cod and bread smell coming from the open door of the fishy bakery as he came back from the pub fully-blootered. Acting alone and without recourse to phone the fire-brigade he simply improvised his very own hose whereupon he heroicly extinguished the fire. In honour of him saving a tray of charred and urine-soaked fishfingers (and most importantly the recipe) he was promoted to Captain. Ever since then he had his name and picture plastered over all subsequently made fish fingers, and appeared in wonderful adverts. That was until recently when his visage fell out of favour. So it is vitally important we honour the dear captain and don’t let his story die with the flames. So please, for once, join us and wear your orange cod stick with pride. Thanks, Bill Christchurch. Beckworth Historical Society.
(Above) A 16th century portrait of the Fishfinger hero Captain Lupin Birdseye
Yo lucky people, I’ve just found out that today is St Valentines Day and as I’m looking after the hood in my Dad’s absence i’m throwing a hardcore offer on you wiggas… So boom; tonight we will be staying opening extra late to cater for those hungry home skillets and BFs who want a truly memorable night. I’m offering a one night only all you can eat offer (from the salad bowl only) for all customers prove they’re a daddy or baby girl (a sextape on your phone that we can download should it!). The salad will be free for any crew dropping notes on two large donar kebab, two large fries and a couple of greek beers. Also, after 9.30 my brother will be dropping some huge tunes so come down to move a sick muscle. All for just £26.99. See you later gangstas.
Steve Knossos. Knossos Kebabs
It’s valentines sale day tomorrow down at 99p Land, so it’s the best place to buy all your romantic gifts. We’ve many discounted lines, marked with a pink cross, so get along to 99p first thing. We’ve many damaged items at an unbelievable 10% off. Yes, that’s a fabulous 10% off a few old sale items, we’ve got just what your lover desires… Baby-wipes, torches and part-used batteries, cigarettes, broken biscuits, some folding chairs, condoms from China, One Direction napkins and hair dye. We’re open 8 till 8 so there’s plenty of time to get that romantic item. Bim Gujranwala. Manager. 99p Land
Hello my flock. What a busy week i’m having, but as they say there’s no rest for the wicked! Today Church Warden Noddy Holder and I are hoovering up the mountains of ash from yesterday’s service and then decorating the vestry with dead birds in readiness of tomorrow’s Feast of St Norris. We will be holding a memorial service at 11ish, and all religious denominations are welcome as St Norris is venerated by many faiths. Please remember to wear a feather in your hat to celebrate his kind deeds to birds and his invention of the carrier pigeon back in the 15th century. In his honour, after the service, we will heed the words of the pox-riddled Pope Jeremy XI (who canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl) who declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” So see you tomorrow morning sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You and Norris. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths
(Above) A local resident pictured in her finest feathered “fascinator” on the way to the St Norris Day service at the church last year
Hello my flock. Just to let you know that this morning’s Ash Wednesday Service will be starting, God permit, at the slightly later time of 2.15pm this afternoon. This is due to me suffering from the after-effects of too many pancakes and communion wine with the Bishop last night. As is tradition during the service church warden Noddy Holder will be tipping ash onto all attendees as they kneel to pray, so please don’t wear your posh clothes or charge us for any subsequent dry cleaning. I look forward to seeing you all this afternoon, though I may be a tad subdued due to my headache and sickness.
May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths
So why not give up something you really crave this year? With knitting. Yes that’s right, you can (allegedly) give up life’s worst addictions with little more than wool, knitting needles, a very high boredom threshold and a modicum of determination. That is why Beckworth’s Alternative Yet Complimentary Herbalist And Medical Practice (BAYCHAMP) is starting courses this week to prove it (most likely) works. And we are proud to welcome the worlds’ finest south American knitters Dr Pearl Juan and Prof. Mabel Stitch, who just happen to also be pioneer psycotherapists in the field of addiction relief, to run the classes. The two “doctors” will be starting courses on Thursday evenings and if they prove popular (and highly profitable) we will add more courses in due course, so watch this space. The famed practitioners claim to have “cured” several sex addicts, weaned some poorly people off class one and two drug dependency, had long-term alcoholics spend less on drink, helped gamblers to win more and had smokers cut down on the fags and wacky-baccie during their combined 17 year careers. They claim it’s the narcoleptic repetitive nature of knitting and the reward of making clothing, hats, gloves and baby’s booties that helps their clients to quit and turn their lives around. We wish the lady “medical practitioners” well and hope you will join the course if you need help… And let’s face it most of us do. For me it’s chocolate. So i’ll be joining the class to see if I can eat less KitKats and Snickers in the weeks up until Easter. Good luck and lots of willpower to all of us attending Quitting With Knitting. Yours, Sally Macclesfield. Senior Practice Manager. BAYCHAMP.
(Above) Got a nicotine addiction? Come and get rid of it at Quitting With Knitting
Happy Shrove Tuesday to one and all… Let us not forget that today is pancake day and to celebrate the wholesome vegetarian occasion (and publicise our shop) my son Neville will be dressing in disguise and wandering the town flipping fresh crepes. And anyone who spots him will get a really splendid organic prize. A free pancake! Yes, just spot Pinner Jnr tossing his way through the streets and you’ll earn yourself a healthy free meal! So get searching, he won’t be easy to find…. Yours Clifford Pinner, owner of The Beckworth Eco-Emporium
(Above) The hard to spot Beckworth Tosser on the streets earlier today
Hello and an early happy Easter. Tomorrow is pancake day, or to give it it’s old school name, Shrove Tuesday. And I am please to announce that the council is reintroducing many ancient traditions that health and safety saw fit to ban over previous decades. First up, the traditional Shrove Tuesday mob football match of Beckworth residents against the citizens of Slocombe through the streets of our towns and in and out of all the ale houses will be reintroduced with kick off at 11am outside the scout hut. Next up will be the return of pancake rolling race down Bottomsup Hill, starting at 2, and the day will climax at 6 with the “Crepe Crowning” of Beckworth’s King of Eggs, Queen of Plain Flour, Princess Of A Pinch Of Salt, and Prince Of Milk and Vegetable Oil. This will happen on the lawn outside the Blind Badger followed by an evening of drinking games and dancing. For the kids there will be the traditional blindfolded pin-the-tail-on-the-pancake taking place all day on the banks of the River Winnet. See you tomorrow, Mayor G. Grimsby
(Above) An artists impression of how mob football looked a few years ago before namby-pamby health & safety sods banned it. I’m glad to see it’s coming back!