Hello all. Don’t forget this Sunday, 4th May, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be back in town. This is your chance to buy expensive french cheeses and onions directly from stall-holders who will only accept payment in euros and who can be rude to customers in two languages. And because Monday is MayDay we’ve decided to coincide the bank holiday celebrations and make the market day a two day event. This will mean our wonderful French guests staying overnight at the local campsite in ex-army tents supplied by the brownies. So please give that part of town a wide berth after 9pm on Sunday.
As with previous years alcohol won’t be offered for sale due to past drunken incidents. Nor will we tolerate urinating in the street, except at the repainted pop-up urinals outside the undertakers.
The Emmental Fromagiers are due set off from from Town Hall steps at 10am on Sunday, and if they’re sober again on Monday, parade along Floyd Street past the ongoing fracking into the Square and then declare the market open.
Weather permitting there will be events for the whole family on both days, including morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers, a kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds and of course on Monday afternoon the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2014. Not to be missed will be the “now all electric” steam-driven carrousel and dodgems, a coconut shy, Flintlock Farm’s Mobile Petting Zoo and we are pleased to welcome back, after a short spell in prison, Derek Shipston’s (non-violent PC) Punch & Judy show. Once again the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be blowing us all away, this year they plan to stage The Life Of Joan Of Arc at The Sports Field (if they can get permission from health & safety officials).
Bonsour, Mayor Gary Grimsby
(Above) Monsieur Marcel Sausage pictured pre-fist fight at last year’s market
Hello. It’s been a quiet few days with regards to the Stag Do Massacre case, so PC Rozzer (my doggy accomplice) and I have kicked back and taken up gardening. But as the saying goes Crime Goes Before A Fall and this case is no different. Just as Rozzer was planting some potatoes in the back garden the phone rang to say an observant Jehovah’s Witness had found a tie whilst on her witnessing rounds. Once Rozzer and I had finished watering our seedlings and had a well earned cuppa we rushed down to the crime scene. This tie, the eighth(?) was found very well hidden, casually discarded onto the wing-mirror of a bright yellow van parked on Lennon Street. We are currently trying to trace the owner of the banana coloured van, cryptically emblazened with the declaration DynoLog “Tree Surgeons.” Whilst we’re going door to door to find the elusive Dr Dynolog the anti-terrorist bomb-squad will be blowing up the van as they believe the grey nylon tie to be booby trapped and a threat to mankind. After some initial detection work on Rozzer’s part we believe the distinctive neck-wear was put on the van by the murdered groom’s workmate and that the van was probably going to be used by the 30 strong Stag Do Massacre as a getaway vehicle. But the fact it was locked (with no tools kept inside), and lacked enough seats, probably put pay to that idea. This so-called “workmate,” and would be getaway driver, may be called Les Gateshead as that was written in biro on the reverse of the tie. So here’s where you can help… Perhaps you know a Mr Gateshead and have seen him, or her, casually going about their business in blood-covered work overalls? Maybe you noticed the DynoLog van in recent weeks and reported it to the Police (who did nothing due to a heavy work load in the garden) as it had an out-of-date tax disc? Or perhaps you saw the murder but are being blackmailed to keep quiet as you’re having an affair with someone of similar interests but who is a lot older? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case in between listening to Gardener’s Question Time. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police
(Above) Les Gateshead’s tie as found earlier today hung casually on a DynoLog van
Good afternoon. I am very pleased to announce that your local 346 year old auction house, Northerbys, has been instructed by the BBC to hold a sale of it’s “lost” property. The sale will be held on Tuesday 13th May from 10 am and we are pleasured to have guest auctioneer Fiona Bruce clutching the gavel. The “lost” property includes some rare antique items and original artworks “accidentally left behind” after filming popular BBC programmes such as The Antiques Road Show, Cash In The Attic, Homes Under The Hammer and Crime Watch. One picture, an original 17th century painting “Blokes In Boats” by Giovanni Cannelloni, is expected to fetch at least £500,000. All proceeds from the sale will go towards to the BBC Christmas Party fund. I hope to see you all on the 13th. Tim Wonnacott. Head Auctioneer. Northerbys Auction House
(Above) Fiona Bruce guards the painting ”Blokes In Boats” by Giovanni Cannelloni expected to boost party fund coffers by a cool £500,000
Hello. Just to let you know that this Friday our local psychiatrists, Kyle, Winfrey & Partners, will be throwing open their doors as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. It was meant to be an open day at the chiropodists but a clerical mix-up (we couldn’t spell shiropadists and so contacted the wrong firm) means it will instead be a day spent with shrinks not feet doctors armed with pumice stones. But on a brighter note you will be able to sit on private (usually one to one) therapy sessions, administer advice and anti-depressants and generally get to know what it’s like to deal with mental health issues. Kyle, Winfrey & Partners assure me they are really good at getting to the root of peoples inner most problems, so it promises to be a really magical day. I for one will be there the whole day, taking notes as nutters fascinate me. The firm say they’ll be laying on rich tea biscuits for OAPs and Rorschach Tests for the under fives, so it’s a splendid day out for the whole family. See you there. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus
More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space.
(Above) A psychiatrist’s comfy couch in use earlier today
Hello. The big news today is the attempt to build the World’s tallest Easter egg tower on the grassy knoll between the undertakers and the public toilets. Firstly, on behalf of The Beckworth Guardian (Official sponsors), may I send a big thank you to all the volunteers who gave up their Easter Monday to help build the chocolate structure. Secondly we are truly indebted to publicity shy Lily Allen who laid the foundation egg as a way of promoting her forthcoming album. And thirdly, we almost broke the record! Yes, our tower reached the giddy height of 1.7m (3ft 2in), as measured by an official from Guinness, before we ran out of eggs and daylight. The current world record stands at 10.39m (34ft 1in) so we were only a few meters (and feet) short. For those interested the sp”egg“tacular record breaking tower was built in Bangalore, India back in August 1947 to celebrate the country’s independence. It took over ten months to build the milk and plain chocolate structure (white chocolate is considered to be candy and therefore not allowed), with a team of 22,000 builders working in shifts 24 hours a day and 1,133,500 tonnes of Easter eggs… It then lasted 12 minutes before melting. So as we only had an afternoon, a dozen small chocolate eggs and 6 volunteers we didn’t do badly. We’re planning to try again next year and hope Cadbury‘s or Aldi will supply the eggs. I’ll keep you posted if I hear anything. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Egg Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) Camera shy Lily Allen brought along her own pictographed chocolate egg to be the foundation of the almost record-breaking tower
Hello. Firstly let me wish you a happy Easter on behalf of the Stag Do Massacre crime team. I hope you’ve had a fine time like we did. We’ve spent a week chillaxing in Wales and then yesterday the team, PC Rozzer (my dog) and myself, had an Easter hunt in the police station yard, which was both excellent fun and honed our detective skills. This proved fortuitous as last night a vigilant flasher found another Stag Do tie whilst on his way to the scout hut car park to expose himself the doggers. This tie is of a similar type to the others, and we strongly believe this belongs to a member of the stag do that no one had actually invited along (every wedding has a mystery guest that no one knows, who eats more than fair share, tries to grope the bride’s drunk mother and everyone assumes is related to the other family). This tie was found very well hidden, casually thrown on a “Footpath Closed” sign by Thrush Alley. (Please don’t try to visit the alley as it has been sealed off whilst the anti-terrorist bomb-squad perform a controlled explosion on the sign as they believe the grey nylon tie to be booby trapped). After some serious deduction we believe the distinctive neck-wear was discarded by the mystery guest as he tried to make his escape from the rest of the 30 strong Stag Do Massacre. He probably wanted to get away from the crime scene as he reckons he’s innocent. But obviously just by being with the murder gang he is guilty and faces a very long stretch inside. As they say crime doesn’t pay, unless you are involved fraud. But here’s where you can help… Perhaps you saw this mystery gang member making his escape? Do you know if he made it or was he bludgeoned by other gang members? Maybe you know the gang’s whereabouts (we believe some may have made it to Ibiza)? Are you harbouring unknown fugitives in your spare room or at your B&B that also offers dinner at a reasonable price? Or maybe you just saw the community-minded flasher last night and want to know where he bought his rather nice coat with the check-lining? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this major incident when we’re back at work tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police
(Above) The mystery guest’s tie found by an observant flasher last night
I hope you all enjoyed today’s annual cycle race meeting of Beckworth School’s alumni at the institution’s 17th century velodrome. The highlight of the afternoon was surely The Class of 1942′s “Penny Father’s competition.” It was a nail-biting contest from false start to finish as the field of forty-two battled it out on their vintage high-wheelers. It ended with a plate-glass photo finish and a steward’s enquiry gave the podium position to 9 times winner Rt Hon Alvin “Toffee Smuggler” Lewes MP. Special mention must also go to Roryford “Toad” Hull who set a new lap record at the track with a time of 5 minutes 32 seconds before a puncture put him out off the track. Don’t forget the school hold’s weekly track days for all of the school’s alumni so see you there soon. Yours Sir T.T. “Wonky” Windsor. President. Beckworth School Old Boys
Hello. It’s been pretty quiet in Beckworth with regards to the Stag Do Massacre case this week. I was hoping to go to Ibiza to track down the suspects but due to the price of flights I will have to leave the detective abroad to the Ibizian Police. But it’s actually lucky I didn’t go anywhere, as today all hell broke lose. Whilst out on patrol with PC Rozzer (my dog) we came across a vital piece of evidence, another tie. I can’t actually remember if this the fourth or fifth, but that’s not really important. What is though is that this tie, grey like the others, holds vital clues in the form of a stain down the front. Also, it was found where you’d least expect neck wear to be hanging. On a speed limit sign. I deduced that this is a subliminal message cunningly left by the Groom’s clever young cousin. He’s obviously wanting to use it as a plea bargain when he’s convicted and reduce his life sentence down to 18 months. So the 30 is probably very significent. I’m working on the theory that it points to the cousin implying thirty people are involved in the murder, which by any stretch of the imagination is a lot. Most murders are carried out by so called “lone wolves” or by a couple of scoundrels. So maybe when this case is solved it will get in the Guinness Book of Records under “most murderers taking one life, accidentally” next to a photo of me and Rozzer. Anyway the tie will be kept as evidence and dusted for DNA, or at least it will once the anti-terrorist bomb-squad have blown it up as they believe it’s booby trapped. But we still need your help. Do you know one of the Stag Do Thirty? Maybe you’re one of them and want to “come in from the cold” by dobbing the rest in? Maybe you lent the groom’s cousin the tie and the stain could implicate you? Is it just tomato ketchup and not the groom’s dried blood? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this major incident, though we’ll be off duty over Easter having a well earned break at Wibblin’s Holiday camp in Wales. Who knows when we get back this case may have solved itself?. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police
(Above) The latest clue in the Stag Do Thirty murder case
Hello my flock. As you will no doubt know, this Friday is Beckworth’s annual Multi Faith Good Friday open day at the church. Hosted every Easter in recognition of the day our Lord was “put to sleep” then “rose again” we celebrate how all faiths, whether they believe in God or not, can come together to share a love of competitive sports and finding cream- eggs around the church yard. Last year my congregation were roundly beaten in the track events, especially the three legged race where we were literally left standing by the legions of mosque and synagogue goers. So fellow “God-botherers” we’ve got everything to play for, our pride is at stake. So whether you are born-again, a Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Jihadist, Rastafarian, a part-time atheist, Asian, Black or White, rich or poor, it is a great time to celebrate our differences and come together in praise of Jesus. See you at 3 in the church vestry where we’ll be handing out tabards. Yours Rev C Knutsford. St Faith’s
(Above) Well hidden eggs await multi-faith treasure seekers today
Hello. This Sunday the Beckworth and Slocombe naturists will be raising funds for the scout hut roof by attempting to abseil up and down the Shard in London with the aim of raising at least £40 in sponsorship. Seven of our most adventurous members will be climbing up, with a further four are taking the lift, and all hope to slide down the high-rise building before getting arrested. We were inspired by a similar fundraiser when last year local WeightWatchers did a sponsored abseil up and down Nelsons Column, which although it ended in the hospitalisation of seven dieters and the arrest of a further eleven did raise an eye-watering £73, which they spent on scales and cakes. My close friend Wayne, who is both a dieter and a naturist is confident our attempt will go more smoothly, especially as our naked flesh should slide smoothly on the glass building. I will post photos online after the event, in the meantime please visit our website to donate… and if you’re in London on Sunday please come along, you’ll get a great view (weather permitting). Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists
(Above) The shard offers amazing views for naturists