Found: Usher’s Tie

Hello. As you will have seen Beckworth is all over the papers and on the local late night news because Police (me and Rozzer my dog) are close to solving “the stag do massacre”. There is mounting evidence (three grey ties were found last weekend and another today) which points to an accidental murder most heinous. The fourth tie, as worn by the usher at a wedding, was discovered close to the boating lake early this morning. A vigilant octegenarian stumbled on it whilst removing his pants (he was illegally breaking and entering the park wanting to take an early morning skinny dip). All four ties are of a unique silver design, like the sort worn by DJs Chris Evans and Nick Grimshaw on their BBC radio shows. This neck-wear was found hanging dangerously on a life belt and points to the fact that the dead groom’s body was most likely dumped in the lake after meeting a ghastly S&M end in a strip club. We now believe everyone on the stag weekend to be implicated in the killing as we have yet to find the body, the suspects and a motive. Maybe you yourself are involved and have useful information but are to frightened to come forward? Perhaps the whole thing was your idea and you are now hiding in the woods living off leaves and wood like Bear Grylls? Was it a revenge killing because you weren’t asked to be the best man? Did you have a change of heart about killing the Groom (your best friend) but failed in your drunken attempt to save him with mouth-to-mouth? In doing so have you got a cold sore you are ashamed of people seeing? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. My dog and I will be handling this serial killing and we both hope to be in line for knighthoods when we put the perpetrators behind bars. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

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(Above) The shocking discovery made this morning by a pensioner going for a skinny dip

Mother’s Day Donkey, Sheep & Poultry Farmer’s Market

Hello. Don’t forget that Beckworth’s annual Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market is on today. The free event is taking place in the Sainsco car park and will be opened at 10am by Countryfile‘s John Craven and his co-host who’s name escapes me. It’s a day out for the whole family, with stalls selling everything from sheepskin coats to cosmetics made from donkey entrails. The abattoir will be putting on it’s ever popular displays, and for £50 you can even buy your Mum the chance to have a go herself. What better way is there to say “I love you Mum” than by letting her get up close to a healthy ram and humanely putting it “to sleep”. Apologies in advance: due to last year’s sheep dip “invasion” by a group of eight and nine year old anarchists the dipping trough will be heavily guarded by drunk farmers. See you there, and remember to wear wellies as there will be animal s**t everywhere. Gary Grimsby. Mayor.


(Above) Follyfoot Farm’s mobile sheep dip photographed last year just before juvenile anarchists jumped in it

“Marching Powder” Availability Warning Issued By Local Health Authority

Hello all. Disturbing news just in from local NHS spokesperson and 1950s midwife Miranda Hart… It appears that Beckworth’s hospital, chemists, supermarkets and fungal-foot specialists are all running low on essential supplies of talcom powder causing a worried populace to panic buy. In bulk. Miranda is quoted as saying “Shelves all over town are almost empty and the over 60s are hysterically battling teenagers for the last remaining stocks. God knows if and when we’ll get the life-saving supplies the NHS relies on.” She went onto explain “It’s all due to a new dance craze sweeping up and down the country and nationwide” before adding “It’s a pandemic called Northern Soul i believe. Young people put on stereotypical Northern accents to talk about whippets and coal-mining, dress in flared trousers and flat caps and dance to soul music as if they possessed” The star of BBC TV’s Call The Midwife went onto explain to waiting news crews “Then they sprinkle the the floor with precious talcom powder and dance on it. I’m buggered if I know why, we never had any problems like this in fictional 1950s England.” It is such a serious dilemma that Prime Minister David Cameron is as I write heading a meeting of Cobra, prompting Lance Armstrong, spokesperson for the Federation Of Talcom and Flea Powder Makers, to issue the following statement ”The problem is that we’ve never known such an interest our health giving product. Even the Roman’s who discovered it to be The Powdered Elixir Of Life never ran short. Despite selling it by the ton to army soldiers as an aid for marching (it stopped their sandals rubbing). But this craze has meant the UKs annual supply has been used up in just 3 months. My members were ill-equipped to meet such high demand, and with talcom crops devastated by recent flooding we are calling on foreign countries such as Bolivia and Columbia to send us much needed supplies” He went onto say “But can I ask the citizens of Great Britain not to hoard supplies, not to buy black market ”under the counter chalky fakes” nor mug the old for a splash of talc… But to please wait until the imported white powder arrives. Sometime in June.” I’m sure i’ll have more on this story in coming weeks and will keep you posted. Christine Batley. Chief Talc Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_NorthernSoul_DanceFloor(Above) A local Northern Soul dance floor covered in talcum powder earlier today

Found: Father Of The Bride’s Tie

Hello. As you’ll probably know Beckworth Police (namely me and my dog Rozzer) are currently investigating a brutal murder in the town after two hastily discarded grey ties were found on the weekend in suspicious circumstances on the high street. Interestingly no body nor any suspects have yet been discovered but we can’t be far off cracking this case as a vigilant member of the public has found a third tie. It is of similar manufacture to the other ties and is looks just like the one worn by Shrek in the film Shrek 2. This necktie was found ominously hanging in the faulty phone box between the “Pawn Your Porn” shop and the Vicarage. I have deduced that it obviously points to the Father-of-The-Bride frantically trying to phone his daughter on the morning of the wedding only to find the phone was out of order. He was no doubt going to explain that her big day will have to be postponed as her husband-to-be had died tragically on his stag do the previous evening.  Currently I am investigating if anyone was killed locally on Friday most likely in a bizarre “mishap” involving a stripper, a gimp mask and some dodgy welding equipment. Having checked the the third tie for dabs before it was destroyed by the bomb-squad I now firmly believe the bride’s father has absconded to Ibiza with the best man to avoid suspicion. But I’m not stupid and have rumbled them. So i’m already looking at cheap flights to the holiday island so I can track them over the Easter holiday. But in the meantime maybe you have vital information in relation to this case that you want to get off your chest? Perhaps you or a friend can’t sleep at night because you witnessed the brutal killing in the strip club Peppermint Zebra and did nothing? Or maybe you saw a smartly dressed blood-covered old man desperately trying to make a phone call on Saturday morning? Maybe he even asked you for some change in exchange for his tie? If so CID would like to hear from you or anyone else who is ashamed to have been watching lapdancers last week. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. My dog and I will be handling this horrific murder case and we both hope to be in line for OBE’s plus large amounts of dosh and dog-food for rounding up this murderous gang on Ibiza. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

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(Above) The third tie found ominously hanging on an out-of-order phone box this morning

Spend Mother’s Day With Donna & Mickey

Hey lucky people, this Sunday is Mother’s Day and we will be opening 11 ’til 11 to serve as many Mum’s as possible. And what mum wouldn’t want to spend her special day at Knossos Kebabs. For one day only we’re offering large donna kebabs for £9.99 each (whilst stocks last) and laid on entertainment that every mama will love. Yes local Michael Buble tribute act Michael Ball will be singing all his hits through lunch and again at dinner time. We’ve only got 6 seats in our kebab shop so most people will have to stand, so maybe you come early. It’s a day not to be missed, bring all your mother’s and Grandmother to see Khristos. See you Sunday.

Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs


Found: Best Man’s Tie

Hello. Following yesterday’s discovery of a discarded Bride-Groom’s tie, the big news in the police canteen this morning is that a Best Man’s tie has also been found. It was stumbled upon late last night by a vigilant member of the public who was looking for somewhere to relieve themself on the way back from the pub. Daylight showed it to be a tie very similar to the first but in this instance tied to a post box. The area is currently cordoned off whilst bomb-disposal experts carry out a controlled-explosion in case the whole pillar box is booby-trapped. The necktie is made of stylish shiny grey fibre and is the type worn by upper class best men such as Prince Harry and Eastender’s Ian Beale as well as dodgy estate agents and teenage sales-people in PC World. So does this essential piece of wedding-attire belong to you? Did you deliberately dispose of it whilst posting a letter of apology to the bride-to-be, cancelling her dream wedding due to a prank on the stag night going terribly wrong and the groom not surviving? Perhaps his body is hidden in the boot of ther wedding car or buried in a shallow grave under the marquee? And maybe you have skipped the country to go on the happy couple’s honeymoon believing quite rightly that there’s no point in wasting two weeks in Ibiza? If so CID would like to hear from you or anyone else on the stag weekend. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be handling this dreadful murder case and hope to be in line for a large community reward when I find the decaying remains of the groom and return them to his grieving fiance. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police


(Above) The Best Man’s tie found late last night whilst a member of the public had a leak against the post box under the cover of darkness

Found: Bride Groom’s Tie

Hello. Big news at the police station this morning as a Groom’s tie has been found attached to a tree. It was found in the early hours by an off-duty member of the fire service who was trying to get a neighbour’s cat down. The area around the tree is currently sealed off whilst anti-terror officers carry out a controlled-explosion in case the tie is a booby-trap. The necktie is made of man-made fibre and looks like the sort of thing worn by Prince William and husbands-to-be such in programmes like My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and Downton Abbey. So does it belong to you? Have you woken up naked this morning handcuffed to a lamp-post? Are you needing bolt-cutters to get free and a clean pair of pants to hide your frost-bitten modesty? Would you rather this torrid affair doesn’t appear as a reconstruction on CrimeWatch? If so CID would like to hear from you as soon as possible. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be single-handedly handling this neck-wear case and hope to be in line for a very large cash reward when I return what remains of the tie to it’s rightful owner. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

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(Above) The groom’s tie just before being blown up

Left-Wing Labrador Breeding Lollypop Lady Lambasted For Being A Lazy Loud Mouth Who Lost Her Lollypop… And Her Marbles

Hello all. Shocking news just in… Beckworth’s notoriously foul-mouthed Labour supporting lollypop lady Vera Chattenden, was today reprimanded by her council employers for once again mislaying her lollypop and being late to work. She’s so far lost a record thirty-two lollies and been unpunctual over 100 times. In just 18 months! The council say they will now dock the cost of each lollypop from her meagre wages and she will make up the hours on weekends. Vera was also chastised for losing a bag marbles belonging to a distraught young school child who’d asked her to look after them whilst he was at school. When I asked about her infamous record amatuer dog-breeder Vera got very aggressive and swore like a trooper, ending the tirade with her trademark gesticulations and shouting her notorious catch-phrase “Go **** Yourself Retard!” Her husband told me “Remarkably she’s a very gentle soul and never swears when she’s sober…” before adding “but it’s been many months since she hasn’t been sozzled on, and off, duty.” A cheery council spokesperson said they couldn’t be too hard on Vera as the children and parents love her “especially when she’s turning the air blue and dragging drivers from their cars for not stopping quickly enough” What a lovely sentiment. Christine Batley. Chief Lollypop Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Vera pictured in happier times, back in the days before colour photographs and 4×4 driving yummy-mummys

St Patrick’s Day Parade

Hello all. Just a reminder that today at 2pm the town’s traditional St Patrick’s Day Parade will be setting off from the town hall. We are predicting that about six floats and an Irish marching band will be taking part so there’s plenty for the whole family to see. Due to fracking on the high street the parade will take a slight detour this year, going through the council estate, past the mosque and nuclear energy plant before ending up at the playing fields where this year’s Shamrock Queen will be crowned. The parade will then return along the same circuitous route ending up at The Blind Badger pub car park where traditional Irish refreshments are being laid on. It’s bound to be a grand afternoon and celebrations in the pub will probably last most of the week as they’ve got 24 hour opening until Tuesday. So “have a grand St Paddy’s day and have a drink on the little people” as they say in the emerald isle. Gary “The Leprechaun” Grimsby. Mayor. Beckworth Town CouncilBeckworth_St.PatricksDay

(Above) A traditional float from the Beckworth St Patricks Day Parade, circa 1920, with The Shamrock Queen on top (Photo courtesy of Beckworth Museum)

Top Gear’s Snowy Adventure Seen Filming Outside Town

I’ve just seen the presenters and crew of telly’s Top Gear programme filming one of their overseas adventures here in Beckworth. Little Andy Hamilton aka “Hamster” was riding a steam powered sledge through fake snow as he raced Jeremy Clarkson on snowshoes and James May on a makeshift snowboard. A woman with a clipboard told me that due to BBC cost-cutting the town is “standing in” for Italy, and the local slag heaps were meant to be the Alps. From where i was standing they looked pretty realistic if not a bit small.  Dick van Preston


(Above) The presenters of TV’s Top Gear programme count their wages during a break from filming earlier today