International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show

Hello all. Many of you have recently emailed and sent postcards asking if Beckworth will once again be hosting the International Wheelbarrow (And Garden Sprinkler) Show. This would have been the 15th year Beckworth had hosted the prestigious show, but unfortunately due to unseemly behaviour by some of the exhibitors last year the show will now take place at Birmingham’s NEC. We are working very hard and “oiling the wheels” to try to win the show back next year. So keep your fingers crossed. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Cold Case Department To Open In Local Cop Shop. Hopefully.

Beckworth-Severed Finger

Hello. I’m very pleased to announce that due to a severed finger (see above) having been found in a frosty local verge I may at long last get transferred from my desk job. Yes, yours truly may get back to operational status and open, what we in the force like to call, “a cold case department” (any case that involves a bit of outdoorsy detective work during winter). I’m well up for the job and love finding body parts as I’m not squeamish. If anyone wants to email my bosses and suggest I get back on active detective duty please do. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police.

Congratulations To The Peoples’ President Of The USA

Good early afternoon to you all. I’m sure I speak for us all when I send my heartfelt congratulations to Sir Donald Trump, who has won a landslide victory to become the next (and probably most successful) President of The USA. And he did it in defiance of the biased Clinton owned US media who tried to paint him as a racist loon. But he humbly went out and won all of the US voters hearts, and all the World’s to, who saw he was a genuinely talented honest rich man. What a splendid year we are having, first Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, then we have Brexit and now we’ll have a real deal-maker and peace keeper in the White House. On a personal note I hope to meet  Sir Donny, as he likes his staff to call him, when he opens his first UK shop here in Beckworth. Planning-permission must surely now be given for him to build a branch of his successful equestrian equipment and hair-piece superstore, Stirrups & Syrups, in the grounds of Beckworth Castle. Congratulations to the USA for voting the right way. Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

PS I’ve heard on the grapevine that Mr Trump has informally promised to invite “hair styling expert” Prof Brian Cox to the Oval Office to give him hairstyle advice

Beckworth_Donald Trump

(Above) A jubilant President Trump celebrates his win with a “new” hair style

Christmas Lights, The Big Switch On

Good eventide Beckworth. Just a reminder that tomorrow evening local “rapper” and star of the X-Factor, Honey G will be switching on Beckworth’s Christmas lights. Honey, known to us here in Beckworth as veterinary surgeon and sheep-breeder Nelly Greggs, says she is a big fan of switches and is preparing a rap for the occasion. This year’s Christmas display is probably the town’s best in years (we diverted funds from the local hospice to pay for it) and if measured would probably stretch a hundred feet or so along the high street. With the street lit-up by energy saving light-bulbs in the shape of the stars of Strictly Come Dancing it will really feel like the baby Jesus and the Shepherds are almost amongst us… Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor


(Above) Honey G busts a move in preparation of the big Christmas turn-on

Fireworks Night Postponed For A Day Or Two…

Good evening Beckworth. Apologies that this year’s bonfire celebrations had to be cancelled at the last minute. This was because we couldn’t find any matches to light the bonfire or fireworks. If all goes well, and we have a lighter, the fireworks night celebrations should go ahead tomorrow. Or failing that Monday… Attractions will hopefully still include a torch-lit barbershop quartet and all lady jazz band, vegan food stalls and topical effigy of Theresa May made by the local mother and toddler group. As per usual Prof Brian Cox will retell the story of the gunpowder plot from a small marquee (weather permitting) and for the over 18s we’ve got locally brewed ales on draft. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor


(Above) The effigy of Theresa May ready for the bonfire

Do A Veggie A Favour Today

Beckworth_Greg's Grocery Bicycle

Alright fans, how’s it hanging? Yes. it’s me, TVs own handsome Greg. Things are a bit quiet here as i’m not presenting any high-brow TV programmes at the moment, so i’m working extra hard on my Fruit & Veg rental service. I’ve got lots of veg going off due to poor sales and as today is World Vegan Day I thought I could off load it… So if you know any veggies why not show how much you like them and rent a ruddy big box of veg for them. I’m offering to deliver, on me bike, crates of overripe “organic” veg by the hour… for up to 6 months at a time!!! I must be nuts but, for a bit of extra cash, i’ll even cover the stuff in mud so you can look like you know your way around an allotment (but without having to lift a (green) finger or get your trendy hands dirty). So why not give me a try and give your “meat and fish-fearing” chums a treat. You can even text through orders if you just can’t be arsed to phone or pop in person. So what you waiting for? Fill a vegans’ squat with borrowed foodstuffs today. Yours, Greg Wallace. Master Gregs the Grocers. Yours, Greg Wallace. Master Gregs the Grocers

A Happy Halloween Was Had By Almost All Last Night

Good morning Beckworth Thank you all, well almost all, for supporting the Trick Or Treat ban last night and creating a wonderful almost incident free Halloween. Most residents celebrated behind closed doors and only sixty-four arrests were made thanks to the council’s zero-tolerance policy and the Police Riot Squad patrolling in armoured cars through the night. As usual it was the under 10s causing the most problems, a police spokesperson blaming the rioting that ensued in the McDonalds drive-through most likely due to the McFlurrys running out. On a lighter note, congratulations go to the Madonna family, with Mum winning the hotly contested adult Halloween Costume competitions, and daughter Loads winning the under-18s competition. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

Beckworth Madonna

(Above) Mrs Madonna pictured in her back garden with daughter Lords, both modelling their Halloween costumes last night