Come And Celebrate JCBD This Weekend

Good afternoon Beckworth. This is a reminder from your wonderful mayor’s office that this weekend’s Joan Collins’s Birth Day Parade will be starting at 9:00am on Sunday not Monday as previously advertised (due to heavy rain being forecast for 30th May). For the last 63 years we have combined our Whitsun Bank Holiday celebrations with Mrs Collin’s birthday in exchange for the popular actress laying on most of the cheap entertainment, food and drink and donating trucks for use as floats. This year is extra special as we will also be celebrating HRH The Queens‘ 90th birthday, so the event will have a truly Royal flavour. I trust we will see crowds of enthusiastic spectators all along the 5 mile route; starting at the library steps and snaking all the way to Slocombe Aquarium. Birthday lady Joan Collins (103 years old this year) will be dressing as a “queen fish” due to a sponsorship deal with the Aquarium and in recognition of Elizabeth II’s birthday. I’m reliably informed Ms Joan will probably wear a majestic manta ray costume and be swimming in a specially built fishbowl on wheels, so that should should be spectacular. We were hoping the Red Arrow’s would perform a flypast but they claim to have been double-booked. On a positive note Noel Edmunds has promised to put on a death-defying kite display around lunch time. Local east end hardman, and recent beneficiary of a double-hip replacement, Ross Kemp will once again lead the floats and the WI marching band on his bicycle. See you all on Sunday. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor


(Above) A clearly excited Joan Collins gets her glad-rags on for Sunday’s parade

Home Exhibition Opens This Weekend

Good evening to you all. The Beckworth trade guild are once again delighted to announce that this coming weekends’ Home Of Ideals exhibition will be opened by Channel 4 treasure, and trendy builder, Kevin McCloud. This is the second time that Beckworth has been honoured with hosting the annual home improvement show and this year it will take place in a marquee borrowed from the WI. Mr Mac will declare the show open at 9am on Saturday morning and ticket price is £35. In a short and badly misspelled text he said is just as excited as he was last year that the show is back “home” in Beckworth. Kev went on to say the town has a special place in his lonely heart as he did his brick-laying and hod-carrying apprenticeship in the town. Yours, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce


(Above) Channel 4′s in-house builder Kevin McCloud will be opening the Home Of Ideals exhibition this weekend

Be Brave, It’s Time To Save On A Grave

Hi all. Next Saturday, Beckworth Cemetery flings open it’s imposing gates for our annual Cemetery Open Day. Guaranteed to be a fun day out for all the family, with much to enthrall and delight every generation, especially those closer to death. There’s a “bouncy castle” made of old car tyres, Punch & Judy and the Follyfoot Farm Mobile Petting zoo (including rides on Roger the donkey) for the kids. We’ve got burial plots of all shapes and sizes to try out in readiness of “the big day” and headstones on display so everyone can choose what they’d like when they’re gone… We also hope to have a cake stall, a band and a beer tent for the over 18s. Amazingly we’re offering 15% off all grave-digging booked during the day, so don’t be shy, look death in the eye and come on by. See you there, Dave “David’ Monmouth, Cemetery Manager


(Above) The welcoming sight of Beckworth Cemetery earlier today

Whit Sunday Service Tomorrow

Hello my flock. I trust you are enjoying the hot weather and preparing yourselves for Eurovision. I myself will be attending a “Eurotrash” party this evening hosted by the Bishop, which is why i am posting this message. As the Bishop’s parties can be a tad raucous and much deprived merryment will be had into the wee small hours, tomorrow morning’s Whit Sunday service will be starting a little later than usual. So please mark your calendars with the slightly later time of 3.45pm. That way I will have time to sober up. Also, please remember as it’s the Whit service to wear all white (including your undergarments and shoes). I trust I will see you at ALL at church tomorrow, looking like radient angels. God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths


(Above) An artist’s impression of tonight’s Bishop’s Eurotrash” party

New Old People’s Home Set To Open

Good news just in regarding Beckworth’s rapidly aging decrepit population…. At last a new publicly-funded privately-run for profit hospice is to be built in the time. After much negotiation with town planners the old folk’s home is to be built on the site of the old toxic gas works and will use a quick building process new to the UK but pioneered in Russia (stacking up redecorated fire-damaged Portkabins). A frankly disinterested spokesperson has said in a succinct text message that “the end of life home is to be a sort of less fancy “Premier Inn” with a menu of the highest calibre… Think of it as a live-in Kebab shop for those in their twilight years.” In another text it was announced that “the home will be delightfully called The Ferns after it’s caring co-owners (and half-sisters) Fern Britten and Fern Cotton.” It’s due to open in about three and a half weeks if enough cheap, discarded portakabins can be found, but the sisters are so confident they’re already taking bookings. It sounds so good i’ve put my aged parents down for a place without seeing it! Christine Batley. Chief “Still Looking After Mother and Father” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth-Old People Home

(Above) An artist’s impression of the planned old folk’s home

Thank You For Electing Me. We’re In This Together

I would like to thank all of Beckworth for voting me in to be your new Mayor. I look forward to getting the town back into shape after many years of misrule by my lazy left-wing scum of a predecessor. He was a unprincipled dishonourable man who clearly lacked the benefits of a private-education and had no moral compass. I myself come from humble beginnings, for instance my brother is just a lowly chemist, but we have been taught you must succeed at all costs. But now i’ve won the election my whole family is looking forward to me wearing the fancy robes and chain with pride and having the best office in town from which to build our power-base. I will strive to achieve as many of my electoral promises as possible but of course many will prove impossible or not worth the effort, so please be tolerant and understanding in the coming years. Please remember, as the great Mr Prime Minister Cameron said, we’re in it to win it… Or something like that.
Aashif Ackworth, your new conservative Mayor.

CWU rally

(Above) A very excited Aashif Ackworth wins Beckworth’s mayoral election

New Mayor Elected, After Repeated Recounts & One Hospitalisation

Good Mayoral news just in…. At 9am this morning it was announced that Aashif Ackworth (conservative) was duly elected Mayor. It only took six recounts (and the Labour candidate being carted off to A&E after “an altercation due to counting irregularities”) before the town admitted defeat…. Christine Batley. Chief “Local Election” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Mayoral Election In Town

Breaking hustings new… There is much excitement in the town today as we have the chance to oust the useless current UKIP mayor and elect someone who’s not such a knob. So don’t forget to vote today, and vote carefully, we don’t want a lefty, looney or worse still an eco-warrior getting into office. God-forbid! Remember your vote counts, so let’s elect a mayor who will put the community first, raise rates, privatise the public toilets, close the library and job-centre and keep dirty vagrants from cluttering up the streets. There are too many worthless candidates on this list so make sure you vote Aashif Ackworth, Conservative. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Unbiased Electoral Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_Polling Station

Local Celeb Wins Annual Fish Race Once Again

Hello. I hope you all enjoyed today’s annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race, it will be my last in the unlikely event that I don’t get re-elected as mayor (hint, hint). The race was one of the greatest in living memory, with 226 fish competing and probably over a thousand spectators lining the river course. It was a nail biting wait to see who crossed the finish line first with many fish battling it out but in the end it was a very young local novice goldfish named Chips that took the chequered flag in a record time of 1 hour 22 minutes and 3 seconds… This was the 10 month old fish’s first ever race but he comes from good stock (his now-dead mum Rose won in 2014, coincidentally also wearing the lucky no 23) and was trained hard from birth by owner and trainer Robson Green. So congratulations to to Rod and Chips, and well done to all who took part and didn’t try to cheat. G.Grimsby. Mayor


(Above) Proud trainer Rodson Greek holds aloft his winning pet goldfish Chips

Come & Spend A Traditional MayDay With The Beckworth Bothamers

Today is Mayday, so please spend it with your local Morris Dancers, The Beckworth Bothamers. As tradition dictates we’ll be dancing on the common from midday after we’ve taken in some liquid refreshments this morning and then performing a drunken pub crawl through the town from 6pm. Other attractions during the day will be The WI dancing around the Maypole between jam-making workshops and the crowning of the May Queen (Or thanks to equal opportunities, May King or May LGBT). Please bring the whole family for proper Spring knees-up all set to the sound of bells and accordian. Thanking You. Clifford Pinner. The Beckworth Bothamers

Beckworth MayQueen1

(Above) An artist’s impression of what a bunch of May Queens and Kings may have looked like before colour was invented