A Week Of Shakespeare

Hello. This week we will be celebrating a major event in Beckworth history in our own unique way; through the power of re-enactment. As locals know it is 399 years ago to the day (give or take a week) that the famous bard, Sir William Shakespeare, passed through the town on his way home from a camping holiday near here. Will’s diary tells us he’d had a great time larking-about dogging and shooting in nearby Slocombe and on his way back to Stratford called into Beckworth’s Ye Olde Blind Badger Inn. A large ploughman’s lunch, some crisps and a cider were enjoyed…. He described the visit as only the wordsmith could, “T’was wicked and I got so well bladdered that I fell off me horse upon closing time!” he wrote. To honour the momentous pub lunch (and also mark his tragic death) The Beckworth Historical Society is joining forces with The Beckworth Players to act out quite a few of Mr Shakespeare’s plays and sonnets (though i’m not sure what one of those is). Everyday for 7 days we will put on a show and stage them, as they did in Mr Will’s day, on the back of a cart parked in McDonald’s carpark. So please come down and hear the Bard’s “words made flesh…” or so it says in an email I was sent by some ponce from The Beckworth Players. Thanks, Bill Christchurch. Beckworth Historical Society.


(Above) An olden days artist’s impression of William Shakespeare hunting in Slocombe

St George & The Queen’s 90th Birthday

Hello all. Tomorrow, Thursday, is a big day for the country as our beloved Monarch The Queen celebrates her 90th birthday and we as a council our keen to celebrate. We have decided to hold a parade in HRH’s honour on St. George’s Day (Saturday) so people can attend whilst doing their weekly shop. The small parade through the streets of Beckworth will be led by the Scouts and Brownies marching band, followed by some floats and a paper-mache tank attacking a giant dragon. The latter, which is cleverly mounted on a bike, was made by local school children as a topical allegory in remembrance of both World Wars (which Elizabeth II oversaw as our glorious leader). There will be historical re-enactments on the sports field of many of the great events that have happened in her life being Queen; such as man walking on the moon, the invention of television and the binmen strike of the 1970s. Plans for a flypast of drones (flown by geeky enthusiasts who think they are real pilots) is awaiting permission from the aviation authority. To make it a day out for the whole family we are laying on a bouncy Windsor Castle, putting local prisoners in the stocks so the public can throw rotten veg at them and having St George flag face painting. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Beckworth_St Georges Day Parade

(Above) An artist’s impression of Thursday’s St. George’s Day parade

Strong Smelling Market In Town Tomorrow

Hello all. Don’t forget that tomorrow, Sunday, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be in town. It’s your once in a year opportunity to buy expensive french cheeses, breads, veg and onions directly from people who smell of garlic, swear profusely, eat amphibian’s legs for breakfast and are drunk and befuddled by mid-morning.

Once again wine won’t be offered after the many drunken altercations in recent years. Nor will we tolerate urinating in the street, not even down opened-manhole covers.

Due to a recent run of bad luck (incarceration, illness, strikes, deaths etc) the famous Emmental Fromagiers (“Cheese Soldiers”) will not, as is tradition, be parading and declaring the market open. Instead local girl Julie Walters will parade along with some girl guides and do the honours at 10am.

Weather permitting there will be events all day for the whole family, including morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers, donkey rides, a coconut shy, a daredevil kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds and of course in the afternoon the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2016.

Not to be missed this year the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be staging a recreation of the making of the Bayeux Tapestry. Using donated fuzzy felt.

So Bonjour to one and all, Mayor Gary Grimsby Beckworth Cheese-Soldiers

(Above) The famous battle-hardened French cheese soldiers who sadly will be absent from this year’s market

Residents Vote On Name For Zoo’s Latest Addition

Breaking legless reptile news just in…You may remember that four weeks ago Beckworth Zoo was blessed with the arrival of a baby male Anaconda and the excited keepers asked local residents to come up with, and vote for, a suitable name for the cuddly critter. Well the votes have been counted and the results are in…. They are as follows: The third most popular choice with 6 votes was Anna (coincidentally the same name as the baby boy’s mother and father, uncle, grandmother and great-granddad). Second was Snakin’ Stevens with 23 votes but the most popular name by far (with a massive 48 votes) was… drum roll please… Scaley McSnakeface. So well done to all Beckworth voters, the 24′ long baby now has a very apt name. Christine Batley. Chief “Serpent” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Scaley, the cute baby ananconda, having his breakfast earlier today

Free Toast And Haircuts On All Buses This Morning

Hello and happy April 1st. I’m pleased to announce a special Spring offer to residents today. As an incentive to get residents looking their best and have them save fuel, loose weight and exercise more we’re offering free toast and a haircut to anyone who travels by bus today rather than using their car or walking. The offer finishes at midday so hop on board and put a spring in your step. Yours sincerely Mrs April F. Ool. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.

Beckworth_Toast Bus 2

(Above) An artist’s impression of free toast on a bus (haircut not shown)