From Eurovision Failure to European Parliament Winner

Euro Election news just in (actually the result came through last night but I’ve only just found out… I was out on the razz with the “gals” and have only just surfaced with the hangover from hell!!!)… Anyway, the news is that the Beckworth’s next MEP is none other than local singing legend and Eurovision disaster Michael “Mickey” Rice-Pudding. As previously reported (please keep up!) Mickey didn’t know he was even standing as a candidate, and is undecided if he’ll take up the post in Brussels… Come on Mickey, what choice is there between getting paid shedloads for doing bugger all as an MEP or (get this) go back to busking.!!!!! The election saw Nigel Farage’s brother Clinton (Brexit party) come second in the election followed, by some considerable distance, the smug (butter wouldn’t melt) Lib Dems. Good luck to Mr Rice-Puddin should he take up the post. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Euro Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Surprise Result Likely in Indian Elections

Amazing International, probably not fake news, news just in… A rumour, likely to be true, has reached your favourite local reporter that the latest results in the Indian elections are showing that Beckworth’s very own local singing legend and Eurovision total failure Mickey “Michael” Rice-Pudding is likely to become India’s next president. Or King. Or something. The results look like a landslide victory for local busker Mickey. I texted him to see how he feels about becoming the most powerful person in India and he modestly claimed to know nothing about it, he didn’t even know he was up for election. Or that India was having a vote. He added he’d never been to India but does love a good balti, especially as a take-away on a Saturday night whilst watching X-Factor… Or Strictly when it’s on. His texts got a bit tearful when I said he’d have to move to India when he becomes Royalty and gets crowned and stuff. Through the texted tears he said he wasn’t sure he could commute to India and moving there wasn’t an option as he’d miss his Mum and they’d just got a puppy called Graham (after the leader of Eurovision). I suggested that maybe one of our readers would take the dog (and his Mum?) off his hands so he could move to the other side of the World… This seemed to cheer him up. I’ll keep you posted as whether Mr Rice-Puddin moves to India or abdicates. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Indian Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Silver Lining For Eurovision Loser In Euro Elections

Amazing Euro Election rumour just in… News is circulating that the latest Beckworth exit poles are showing that local singing legend and Eurovision last-placer Michael “Mickey” Rice-Pudding is likely to become our next MEP. The most amazing bit is that Mickey didn’t know he was even standing as a candidate. I texted him to ask how he thinks he got onto the ballot paper and he can only think his Mum accidentally sent his Eurovision application form (along with his now-missing driving licence) to whoever runs Euro elections. I could see its an easy mistake to make, and believe Mr Rice-Pudding would be great as an MEP. Especially if he, along with all the other MEPs, doesn’t have to go to Brussels at all and will be paid vast sums of tax payers money to do precisely nothing. Except perhaps go back to busking. I’m told that the Brexit party languishes far behind Mickey in second place and no one is admitting to vote for the tories, Lib Dems or the communists (Labour). Good luck Mr Rice-Puddin, this country needs you. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Eurot Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

A Sad Hangover For Local Beckworth Star

Shocking Eurovision news just in… I wonder how many of us watched in horror last night as local singing legend Michael “Mickey” Rice-Pudding was robbed of a deserved win at the international TV show of shows? His song, singing and shuffling around on stage were so much better than the other acts at the glamorous Israel hosted event. As a whole the Eurovision show was at the top of its game last night, but the voting is so unfair (and probably rigged?), I mean the UK couldn’t even vote for Mickey! Where’s the fairness in that? He should have least got a podium position, or been in the top 50! In a series of drunken tweets in the early hours Mr Rice-Pudding was ranting about how Brexit, and in particular Donald Trump, Theresa May, Nigel Corbyn and Jeremy Farrage, had sunk his chances as people voted for all the other acts in protest. Mr Rice-Pudding, who’s day job is collecting all the trolleys in the Sainsco carpark, did say he’d enjoyed his 5 minutes of fame, had got a nice tan in Israel and was off to get truly hammered with lats years winner Conchitta and host Graham Norton. I have to send congratulations to Mickey for not getting stage-invaded like we did last year (lets be thankful for small mercies). Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Eurotrash Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

It’s Time To Buy The Burial Plot You’ve Always Promised Yourself

Hi all. Today, Beckworth Cemetery will be flinging open it’s newly painted orange gates for our annual Cemetery Open Day. A fun day out for lots of the family, with things to excite even the most cynical member, but especially those looking death in the face or wanting their dear parents to drop off soon so they can nab the inheritance and build that extension with hot-tub and plasma screen tv. We’ll be showing off our almost finished drive thru crematorium, where you can hitch a ride on a converted coffin-carrying golf-buggy and see the yet to be fired up furnaces…. We’ve a “bouncy castle” made up of a heap of old recycled tyres and cushions, non-violent Punch & Judy (now that Derek Shipston is out of prison) and the famed Follyfoot Farm Mobile Petting zoo (including rides on Garry the frisky Llama) for the kids. Come along and have a go at our famed spot the dead celebrity headstone competition, with prizes for young and old (Star-prize 5% off a faux marble headstone in the shape of a Greek urn). We’ve got burial plots of all shapes, depths and sizes to try out in readiness of your longed for “big day,” plus we’ve a few pre-loved carved headstones on display, so everyone can choose the grave they’ve always dreamt of. We also hope to have a cake stall, a band and a cider and cheese tent for the over 18s. Amazingly we’re offering 8% off all grave-digging booked on the day, so don’t be shy, come on by and try before you die. See you there, Dave “David’ Monmouth, Senior Cemetery & Cremations Manager

Royal Baby Born Locally In Randy Bulls Today

Royal Birthday news just in… Congratulations to the Duke & Duchess of Essex on the birth of their fist born son. The 12lb baby son was born whilst the couple were holidaying near to Beckworth at the Slocombe “Randy Bulls” static caravan park, and in a snub to tradition the boy wasn’t born in hospital. The young boy Prince was given birth to very early this morning and is the 7th, or 8th, heir to the throne. Although his name is as yet unknown it is likely to follow Royal tradition and be named after the next Royal male likely to decease, so the hot bet is Philip. But could be Charles.

It makes me think we’re lucky the Royals aren’t Native American, as they name babies after the first thing the parents see after giving birth. The Royal couple are said to have had a view of the Power Station and Sewage Works from their caravan window! Let’s be thankful for small mercies!!!

I’m told both Grandmothers assisted at the birth (hot water, towels, Spotify playlist, etc), with Princess Meghan’s mother, Angela, taking a break from her hectic schedule and flying in from Germany where she is President. Or Prime Minister.

A spokesperson for Randy Bulls said they are thrilled to be hosting the couple, and although the booking was for two they won’t be charging for the baby. Which is very generous. They went on to say it will put the caravan park on the map and they’ve already had holiday enquiries from as far away as Hull. Which is great news as the place needs all the bookings it can get, as its looking very run down and sad.

Congratulations to the happy couple who can now continue to enjoy their caravanning holiday. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Royal Baby Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Old Fish Wins Beckworth MayDay Fish Race

Hello Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well and that you had much enjoyment at today’s annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race, I certainly did (I bet on the winning fish!). The race was thankfully only marred by one death this year, and surprisingly it wasn’t a fish… Sadly one of the spectators was taken ill, fell into the river (he was quickly pulled out so didn’t interfere with the race) and passed away on the way to hospital… Which was a shame as I’m told they missed a nail-biting race.

With 173 fish competing the race was watched by probably over two thousand people crowding the river banks and bridges, someone even sent up a drone. But as the town has a no fly policy the army cadets promptly shot it down and got a round of applause for its efforts. Though I say promptly it did take hundreds of shots before they hit it. They need more practice I think. Still it’s the thought that counts I am supposing.

The race was a nail biting from start to finish, as it was cold I waited in the cafe to see who crossed the finish line first, and I’m told many fish battled it out. Some were even disqualified for cheating and argy-bargy. In the end it was one of our oldest contestants, a 42 year old goldfish named Monkey Boy, that took the chequered flag in an almost record time of 1 hour 29 minutes and 14 seconds… This was the fish’s thirteenth race, he has trained hard year on year by owner and trainer Lorraine Kelly who says she would have had him put down and stuffed if he hadn’t won after so many races without a podium finish. This obviously spurred the fish on, so well done all. I am already looking forward to next years race. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council

Fish Race May Day Monday

Hello Beckworth. I hope this message is finding you well. I have just remembered to send out this reminder that this bank holiday Monday (the day after tomorrow) your wonderful town council has found the funding to be hosting the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race. To be held on the fast-flowing River Winnet if we have a sunny day of sunshine, if not the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s unheated swimming pool. It will probably be a fun morning for most of the family, but I am under strict orders to paste in this message of warning: I must advise you to please remember to keep all cats and caged, fish-eating, birds indoor. As in previous years we have had some entrants eaten before the race had started.

And now a message to all competitors: Could you please be bringing your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 10.45 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local morning telly star, and one of TV’s favourite cat loving advertising men, Pip Schofield. He has promised he will be leaving his kitten at home and attending alone.

Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council

May Day Music & Mayhem

This is a message to all of you who like cheap ale and to rock out all day Sunday and continue into Monday. Or at least until late Sunday. Yes tomorrow we’re celebrating May Day in style with local metal (husband and wife two piece) band, Jack & Emma Sabbath. They will be turning our beer garden into a muddy Monsters Of Rock Festival with support from The isle of Mann’s favourite goth metal rockers Dead Zeppelin and one man band Ian Maiden, if he can get his tuba fixed. It’s only nineteen quid on the door, first band are on at 10am, and Mayday’s featured ale at the pub is Beltane’s Brew. Advance warning: If you’re coming with the family it’s probably best to put the oldies and young ‘uns in the lounge inside! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Traditional MayDay Event To Be Held This weekend

Today is Mayday, but don’t panic if you missed it as this coming Monday is also MayDay. And what better way could there be to spend it than with your local Morris Dancers, The Beckworth Bothamers. Tradition dictates we’ll first be dancing on the common from early morning (actually we’ll be in the nearby carpark as the common is being reseeded after some travelling types wrecked it). Or find us from midday in any of the town’s pubs and off-licences where we’ll first taking in some liquid refreshments and performing traditional dances, shaking our hankies and clacking our sticks. Other attractions during the day will be The WI dancing around the Maypole between jam-making workshops and the crowning of the May Queen (Or thanks to equal opportunities, May King, May Queen or May Gender Fluid Leader). Please bring the whole family for proper Spring knees-up all set to the sound of bells and accordian. Thanking You. Clifford Pinner. The Beckworth Bothamers