Don’t Ever Watch The Voice Again

Dear all. Apologies to all those who tuned into the The Voice last Saturday to watch my cousin Jack a Googoo sing his way to win the appalling singing show. Unfortunately due to a fracas just before Jack was due on stage meant that poor Jack was ejected from the studios. Jack is accused of punching a producer, something that happens a lot at the BBC I hear, and is now banned from their reality shows. I’m thinking of starting a petition to get the awful show off the BBC, it’s a waste of tax payers money, in the meantime don’t watch it! But not to worry as every storm cloud has a silver lining; Jack has recently taken up acting and is starting to make his name as an extra. He’s already filmed a few scenes for TV; this coming Sunday he is some Russian bloke in War & Peace and in February he’ll be seen playing a violent drunk on Casualty. The director told me he was a natural. I didn’t have the heart to tell him Jack was actually p****d during filming. I believe they call it method acting. They didn’t even have to use pretend vomit because Jack was so good. And don’t despair, although talented Jack is embarking on a new career he is still available for bookings to sing Kajagoogoo songs at political demos, childrens’ parties, wakes, shop openings, etc. So give me a ring to book him before he’s whisked off to Hollywood.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, survival trainer and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

Beckworth_War And Peace

(Above, circled in red) Jack-A-Googoo pictured with the happy cast of War & Peace

Watch The Voice This Weekend

Dear all. I hope you’ll all be watching The Voice this Saturday as my cousin Jack a Googoo will be back on it. It’s his second attempt at winning the frankly appalling show and he stands a very good chance of winning now that Tom Jones isn’t on it (Tom was threatened by Jack’s singing ability. And by some photos Jack had). Jack tells me he’s hoping to get on Boy George‘s team this time (He’s got some “interesting” photos of him which got him back on the show), so he’s chosen to sing Calm The Chameleon. I think the show is filmed live from 7 so make sure you tune in and vote for him to win. Let’s get Jack back on TV so he can raise his celebrity profile. And whilst Jack is on the telly his bookings to sing Kajagoogoo songs at weddings, births, deaths, divorces, etc. will cost quite a bit more… But don’t worry, give me a ring to book him and i’ll do you a tidy deal.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, survival trainer and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

Boy George File Photos

(Above) Boy George pictured earlier today on his way to have his bikini-line waxed prior to The Voice rehearsals

Local Shop Celebrates Anniversary With A Stock Clearance

Hello. I just thought i’d let you know the good news that local ladle superstore (in fact the county’s one and only ladle superstore) is one year old this week. And to celebrate Len’s Ladle Superstore is clearing the shelves of some unwanted ladles. Ladle store owner/manager Len Goodman and his assistant Bruno Tonioli say that many are badly bent and tarnished, so grab yourselves a large-spoon like bargain (whilst stocks last)… And as the broken neon sign above the shop door states “A house isn’t a home without a ladle. Or two.” Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.


(Above) Shop staff model some of the ladles on sale in Len’s Ladle Superstore

January Damaged Goods Sale

Happy New Year. For the first time in 25 years we’re having a sale. Yes a sale! Many items are 25% off, so don’t delay. Why not buy a goldfish, or a canary? Or a mousey looking rodent? We’ve plenty of stock to shift because sadly lot’s of our queer looking animals didn’t sell at Christmas and many more were brought back just after suffering ill health or missing limbs. We’ve animals to suit every pocket; such as a ferret for those with deep pockets or a gerbil for tiny pockets… For those who like cuddly things we’ve got tons of rabbits going cheap and they’re half price if you buy in bulk; because they breed like bl**dy rabbits!!!! If you like things that live in water we’ve got loads of tadpoles or eels going cheap… We’ve lots of choice! So let’s save these poorly creatures from becoming landfill, come down and grab a bargain by the ears (or gills). Thank you. Fletcher Gillingham. Proprieter. Gillingham’s Pet Store

Beckworth Injured Cat

(Above) One of the pet store’s shop soiled sale items

“Royal” Engagement Announced

Breaking marriage proposal news just in… Local media magnet (and major benefactor to charity and political parties) Rupert Murdoch has this morning announced his engagement to the beautiful and intelligent model Jerry Hall. For all of us who work within Mr Murdoch’s empire this is the best new years’ gift we could have hoped for and more than makes up for us having a continued pay freeze. One colleague of mine is quoted as saying “it’s even more special than a Royal wedding” to which we all concur. Our heartfelt congratulations go out to the very much in love couple and we wish that the union will be blessed with many offspring. Christine Batley. Chief “Royal Nuptials” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Hugh Hefner, Crystal Harris

(Above) The happy couple, Rupert & Jerry, announcing their engagement

Shock At Death Of Another Rock Legend

Breaking extremely sad rock news just in… Earlier this morning local rock legend, and keen amateur florist, David Bowie passed away whilst attending a flower arranging course in New York. Mr Bowie was an influence on all those who liked music, fashion and floristry and he will be sorely missed. Rest in peace David. Christine Batley. Chief “Ziggy Stardust” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) The late, great David Bowie pictured in his very minimal Ziggy costume

Theme Park Set To Close

It is with a heavy heart that I have to announce that local theme park, Coffin World, is set to close this coming Friday. The burial themed attraction only opened in late 2013 but failed to attract visitors with it’s urn and casket rides and was sadly beset by financial problems from the start. It was the life’s work of undertaker fan, and cabaret singer, Tom Jones and he is said to have lost his entire pop fortune on the venture. Unless a buyer can be found for the theme park a fire sale of the rides and cremation merchandise will take place late January, just before Mr “Ex- of The Voice” Jones embarks on a world tour. Commiserations to Mr Tom, Beckworth will be less of a tourist attraction without his ambitious park, but let’s hope it can be saved. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Beckworth_Coffin World

(Above) One of Coffin World’s many exhilarating rides that is bound for the scrap heap

Join Us And Loose Pounds

Hellody Hoo, Marion here. After decades caring for the welfare of animals I am now turning my attention to the two legged residents of Beckworth. I worked for many years in the local abattoir, until I was dismissed, but I’ve recently retrained as a human dietrician and personal trainer, and this month will be bringing the ancient Korean act of Weight Whistling to the UK. So do you want lose 10 stone in just three weeks? Well now it’s possible due to the unique way that weight whistling works! But don’t take my word for it, come along and try it… Classes will be every Monday night in the scout hut at 8 but only genuine, determined tubsters need apply. So how does it work I hear you ask? Well it’s a closely guarded secret, but put simply it’s a workout without music. The participants whistle communist tunes whilst they exercise. I trained under the great teacher Gin Bin Bawl, a mauve belt in Weight Whistling, who until his mysterious death last year was the dietician and keep fit instructor of choice for the glorious leader Kim Jon-un and his very closest allies. So i’ve got all the qualifications, now all I need is a group of fatties to practice on. So get your lazy fat a**e down to the scout hut next Monday night and let’s shed those unsightly pounds. Ta ta, Marion

PS It’s just £36 a class

Beckworth_Weight Whistling

(Above) Kim JonUn keeping trim with a strenuous Weight Whistling work-out

Happy New From The Council

Happy New Year To You All. Well it’s back to work with a bump for me as we’ve had almost all of our computers stolen. In fact the only one left in the town hall is the one i’m currently using, which is an old pc we keep for emergencies. We eventually found it stashed behind the cisterns in the ladie’s loo, hence my delay in posting this message. But at least we were insured so should have brand new computers, macs hopefully, very soon. On a lighter note I trust everyone enjoyed new years eves’ council funded entertainment at the edge of the flooded sports field. The traditional burning of Old Man Beckworth to say goodbye to the old year went off without too much drama, it took a lot of petrol to ignite, but no one ended up in A&E which is a relief. This years’ effigy was made from old cereal packets and egg boxes by local handyman Duncan Bannatyne and is said to be based on a cross-dresser he met in a jungle!!! His close friend Tony Hadley made a very realistic Lego Baby Beckworth effigy that was paraded through the streets in the early hours to welcome in 2016. So thanks to both of them. My personal highlight was tucking into a kebab as the New Year fireworks went off whilst the local Scout’s brass-band covered the hits of The Arctic Monkeys and Status Quo. All the best for a healthy and prosperous 2016. Mayor G. Grimsby


(Above) The very realistic “Baby Beckworth” effigy made by the talented Tony Hadley

A Look Forward To The Year Ahead

Happy New Year to one and all, especially local business owners. As leader of the town’s trade i’m hoping for big things in Beckworth this year. Plans which will, at long last, put the town on the map as it strides to gain city status and become the beating heart of UK industry and commerce. In 2016 I hope we will hear we have won the right to extend the airport so we can compete with Gatwick, Heathrow and Luton. If we’re lucky the HS2 rail link may still detour through the east of the town, thankfully demolishing a huge swathe of the unsightly council estate and flattening the frankly useless ancient forest. As usual we will be encouraging big business to Beckworth, both on the high street and to build coal-burning factories on the green belt. A bypass through the town is also at planning stage (just a few more favours to call in), as is an “out of town” shopping centre uniquely sited next to the existing high street (which would be redeveloped into an exclusive inland harbour development for the well-heeled). A multistory carpark would cater for shoppers and the noveau rich residents, likely to be sited on the current sports field and childrens playground. We’re in negotiations with a cheese baron to sight Europe’s first “milk derived foodstuff” theme park and second’s shop in the town, so all in all 2016 is looking bright for business. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Beckworth_Airport Expansion

(Above) An artist’s impression of the proposed Beckworth Airport expansion