First Ever Beckworth Carnival On Tomorrow

In recognition of Beckworth’s vibrant West Indian community moving into 47 Al Green Close 50 years ago, tomorrow we will hosting the town’s very first carnival since medieval times. Think of it as a very small untrendy version of Notting Hill, without the sound systems, crowds and floats but still with plenty of fun the whole family… See you there
G. Grimsby. Mayor


(Above) An artists impression of the inaugral Beckworth Carnival

Local Residents Disappointment Over Ashley Madison Leak

Extramarital news just in… A street survey conducted this week about the Ashley Madison (adultery website) leak shows that 97% of local residents are extremely outraged about the shameful hacking of names and addresses of site users. The most common reason given for people’s fury is that none of Beckworth’s residents are on the list. “This is a real disappointment” said one person “I find it hard to believe that no one round here’s having an affair.” Another explained “Being on a leaked “swingers” list could have put Beckworth on the map!” He then added imploringly “I for one would love to get some hot action. Her indoors has always got a migraine. Or her lumbagos playing up” I’ll keep you posted if more details from the survey may come in, or if i get any leaked names to share… Christine Batley. Chief Elicit Nooky-On-The-Side Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_Ashley Maddison

(Above) An artists impression of two randy Ashley Madison members having an illicit affair. At a garden centre.

Local Tory Faithful Thanked In Honours List

Breaking House of Lords news just in… The Conservative Government has just announced on facebook that a vast number of the Tory failthful, who helped them get a second term in office, are to be “thanked” in today’s vast honours list. Of the 376 new peerages 375 have quite rightly been given to aspirational and very generous male conservative donors. And four live in Beckworth. It’s certainly a great day for the town, and the country, and of course shows that capitalism and well placed investments in politics work wonders. I’ll keep you posted if i get more Lordly news… Christine Batley. Chief Honours For Sale Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Some lost Lords looking for the loos in the House Of Lords earlier today

Bank Holiday Monday Naturist Racing

Hello. This bank holiday Monday your local naturists, the Beckworth and Slocombe branch, are going by train (and then bus) to the bright lights of the naturism mecca, Melton Mowbray, to take part in the local heats of the third ever UK Naturist Go-Karting Championships. It’s our first time competing in motorsports and we’ll be fielding five drivers. Our best hope of success is my close friend Wayne, who once came second-to-last in a tractor driving race and is a daily user of a mobility scooter. I will be taking part myself, despite never having driven anything before, but as Wayne says “how hard can it be?” We still need three more drivers and like me no-previous experience is needed, so why not join Team Nude Beckworth and enjoy a day of speed, petrol and nudism (Successful applicants will need to supply their own helmets). We also would like to take along as many (undressed) supporters as possible, so you why not join us on our day out? Sandwiches and crisps will be included in the price of the day trip, which is only £447 return per person. I hope to see you on the sation on Monday, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

Melton Mowbray

Tribute Act Announce Split “To Keep It Real”

Just to let you know that this Wednesday’s much anticipated Two Directions gig at the The Macadamia Hall (in aid of the scout’s Woggle Awareness Week) has just been cancelled. The tribute band, who spilt up and reformed twice last year, are sighting realism as the reason for this latest split. A spokesperson for the band (Barry “Harry” Style’s mum) has just issued a hand written statement outlining the reason; “Two Directions have always replicated what’s going on with One Direction as close as possible. When Zayn Malik left we immediately sacked his impersonater Dwayne and when it was announced that Louis Tomlinson was to become a Dad his tribute in 2D, Bluey, got a local girl up the duff. So it’s only right that “The Midland’s Second Best One Direction tribute band” take a break to concentrate on solo careers, such as shelf-stacking in Sainsco, just like their heroes in 1D.” Thankfully for music fans Dwayne Malik has offered to step in and do a “Tribute to Two Directions” tribute gig, which he’ll perform once he has rehearsed enough songs and dance moves. So watch this space. Tickets are still available for Wednesday’s cancelled concert and would make an ideal early Christmas present for collectors of rare One Direction cancelled-gigs ephemera and tat.

Yours Terence Eccles. General Manager, The Macadamia Hall

(Above) The happy members of Two Direction celebrate splitting up. Again.

Local People Urged To Sign Up To Breakthrough Medical Trials

Medical breakthrough news just in… Local pharamaceutical giant Goctor & Pramble have just made medical history, unveiling the world’s first cure for pubic baldness in The Lancet medical journal and garnering wordwide acclaim. Their patented Magnetic Merkin is claimed to be a life-changer for sufferers, up there with penecilin and incontinence pants. But before any such medical breakthrough can be sold to the NHS for billions of tax-payers pounds they must be trialed on poor people and made safe. The merkins proved fine when worn by lab-rats but the Beckworth employer is now asking for human volunteers to help them iron out any flaws with the natural looking synthetic pastel-hued hair-pieces. The company will pay impoverished local residents a nominal fee to wear the breakthrough metal-attracting pubic wig 24/7 for three months to flag up any disabilitating side-effects, such as genital chaffing, allergic-reactions and lead-poisoning. Goctor & Pramble’s inventor of the magnetic merkin Dr Neville Edmonds issued the following statement today: “I took my inspiration from my brother Noel’s beard and the everyday household items trapped within it. It struck me that groin-wigs could be enhanced by adding the life-improving high-tech benefit of magnetism.” He went on to add “Wearing one will make the patient’s discrete pubic region the ideal place to safely store all their family and friend’s metalic nik-naks. Such as keys, loose change, iron-mongery and cameras, whilst also covering up their privates from prying-eyes… And they will come in a one-size fits-all for ease of manufacture and comfort.” I will keep you updated on the trials as they happen, and I for one will be signing up to take part and earn £26 a week” Christine Batley. Chief Pubic Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_Noel Edmonds Beard

(Above) Noel Edmonds, sporting his inspirational nik-nak strewn beard

Battle Of Britain Remembered Today

Just a reminder that today, from 2pm, we will be recreating the The Battle Of Britain‘s “Hardest Day” on the sports field. This will be our biggest and most ambitious reenactment ever and will played out in real time all afternoon and long into the evening. To capture the airbourne drama of 18th August 1940 we are using bicycles and motorbikes to represent the Spitfires, Fokkers and Messerschmitts and spectators can expect some pretty-hairy dogfights and fatal injuries just as happened back in WW2. Due to the numbers of “planes” and crew needed we have invited our hated rival re-enactors from Hull and Jersey to play the loathed German Luftwaffe. We will play the moustachioed RAF that whipped Gerry’s arse in the sky’s above Britain 75 years ago and we are looking to have a similarly spectacular scrap today, followed (for those not hospitalised) by a buffet dinner in the McDonald’s drive-thru. The town is bound to be very busy as we are expecting large crowds and TV crews due to this being such a historic occasion. So come and relive the sights and sounds of yesteryears’ most famous air battle. It’s a must see afternoon for the whole family and for those that are visually impaired, or can’t get to the sports field, we will be relaying the war sounds very loudly over speakers attached to the scout hut roof.

The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors

Beckworth_RAF Bike

(Above) The RAF re-enactment “planes” awaiting use earlier today

Local Dog Impressionist Injured During “Heated” Rehearsals

Shocking news just in… Late last night Barking Mad Billy Bristol, famed local dog-impersonator and controversial winner of this year’s Crufts‘ Best In Show, was injured whilst rehearsing the finale of his latest daring canine act. Mr Barking was practicing jumping through a burning hoop whilst dressed as a poodle when his costume caught fire and as a consequence his wooden-shed collapsed in on him. Fire, air-ambulance and RSPCA crews were quickly on the scene and at first thought the casualty was a real pooch, so good was Mr Bristol’s outfit and pain-induced howling. The crews worked tirelessly to extinguish the blaze and pull the pretend-poodle out from the smouldering shed and after three hours he was free. Unfortunately they failed to save Billy’s realistic costume and his own lustrous hair. He is now recovering in hospital and was well enough this morning to have breakfasted on a big bone and relieved himself against a lamppost outside A&E. I’ll keep you posted on Mr Mad’s recovery as it happens. Christine Batley. Chief Man Dressed As A Poodle Reporter. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Barking Mad Billy Bristol pictured earlier today before his near-fatal accident

New Sculpture Unveiled

Hello all. What a momentous morning Beckworth has had today, with the unveiling of the town’s latest piece of public art. Due to heightened security (thanks to unfortunate death-threats from riled local council-tax payers) it was a very low key event hence the publicity blackout. The 14′ high piece “A Beautiful World Basks In It’s Own Refection” was commissioned by myself to celebrate my 5 years as mayor and was sculpted in concrete by famed artist, and antique news reader, Fiona Bruce. We were very fortunate to have Bruce herself unveil it and she told the assembled crowd of three that the sculture took her almost 18 months to make. I’m sure you’ll agree it was well worth the £5.3 million we payed for it and will be wonderful addition to Beckworth sited outside the council dump. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Beckworth_Beauty Sculpture

(Above) The scupture “A Beautiful World Basks In It’s Own Refection”

New Football Season Kicks Off On Saturday…

Hello. Just a reminder that both our local footballl teams (the men’s Beckworth And Slocombe Academicals and the women’s Beckworth And Slocombe Laxadasicals) will be in “action” this weekend. Both teams are playing at home in their first new season matches in the Co-Operative FuneralCare League and in preparation the pitch has been drained and the molehills flattened. And after much fund-raising the supporters bench has at long-last been repainted. In orange. Good luck to both teams, let’s hope this season see’s a performance improvement for the men’s team, for the last 13 seasons they’ve had a 100% match defeat record. Thankfully we have a stronger women’s team to pin our cup hopes on and plans are afoot to put together a LGBT team this year, once we’ve thought of a snappy team name and got a non-offensive sponsor for the colourful strip i’ve designed. Good luck to all players. G. Grimsby. Mayor (and linesman)