Putting God’s Words Into Randy’s Mouth

Uncle Les Small

This is a message to all of you who like your music religious, your singers to be made of wood and your ale real. Tomorrow night local “friends of Jesus” and amateur ventriloquists, Uncle Len & Aunt Nancy Wheely, will be rocking our back room venue. Along with their sexually-deviant “son” Randy they will sing all of their God-fearing cover versions including Stairway To Heaven, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath and Robbie William’s Angels. They’re guaranteed to bring joy to our hearts and fill the bar with Godliness, or so their agent has told me. They will also be signing copies of their thought-provoking debut album Do You Know Jesus?, which will be onsale after the show, along with t-shirts, mouse-mats and “Randy” keyfobs. It’s only a fiver on the door and this week’s featured ale at the pub is Beelzebub’s Bathwater. Warning: If you don’t like people singing about Jesus, or ventriloquists, then stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Lucky Seven Are Not To Be Sniffed At

Hello. I just thought i’d share with you the historic news that Beckworth is to be in the Guiness Book of Records. The Guinness people have just rung to confirm the town has won the world record of the “most snuff-sniffers in a field at one time” and we beat the record, of six sniffers, by just one. So a big thank you to The Beckworth Smokelss Tobacco Club for their sterling effort, especially when so many members were suffering from hayfever. And who knows, they may even get a photo posing with the next book? Mayor G. Grimsby


New Sculpture Unveiled

Hello all. I’d just like to tell you about today’s momentous unveiling of Beckworth’s latest bit of public art. It was a low key event at the artist’s insistence, hence the publicity blackout, but was unveiled by art lover, and local celeb, Piers Morgan, who popped back from America to do the honours. Commissioned on behalf of the town council, by Piers, it was created by famed sculpture, and news reader, Trevor McDonald. The piece, entitled Peace, was 3 years in the making but I’m sure you’ll agree it was well worth the wait.


Standing over 40 feet in height and made of bronze (painted black to look a bit like rubber) it replaces the priceless Barbara Hepworth scupture that was stolen from the park and melted down to be made into corrugated-roofing by Eastern Europeans roofers. A snip at £4.5million+VAT it will surely become as popular as our old Hepworth was and has pride of place near the children’s swings and slide. A very proud Mr Donald was quoted as saying “i’d like to see the b*****ds try and steal this!” Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Unsplitting The Atom

Soice Girls1

It is with great pleasure that I hereby announce that tickets for Atomic Kitten‘s first concert in 23 years will go on sale tomorrow morning from 10am. The reformed band promise to play both their hits and a host of other tracks you may have heard but thought were by someone else. The “unsplit” band will feature all the original members including Baby Kitten, Posh Kitten, Sporty Kitten, the one who’s name escapes me and Ginger Tom. The concert will be on Monday 1st July (after the bingo) and support acts will be local One Direction tribute duo Two Directions and a juggler called Dave. Tickets are priced £12, or £5 for those on incapacity benefit.

We are very excited to be hosting the concert as we will have repainted the bar by then.

Yours Terence Eccles. General Manager, The Macadamia Hall

We’ve A Mountain To Climb

Please come and witness a momentus historical occasion today. We will be celebrating 100 years since Everest was conqured, by the husband and wife climbing team of Hillary and Tenzing, by attempting to assend a papermache scale model of the mountain we’ve erected inside the Town Hall. It’s quite a daunting size as can be seen (below) when it was inspected in the interests of health and safety. So join us at “base-camp” (the townhall steps) at 4pm, weather permitting.


And please join us again on Sunday, in St Faith’s Church, when we will be re-enacting our current Monarchs coronation, complete with a scale-model of a real horse-drawn carriage.

The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors

See The Kama Sutra In The Market This Friday

Dear all. This Friday the mime company Kama Sutra will be performing their new show Sodom and Gomorrah at 12am and 3pm in the Market Square. It’s a two-hour show for the whole family and promises to be a real treat for bored children this half-term. Best of all It’s free! But get there early because if it’s half as packed as their last show, Oedipus, it will be standing room only. Yours Natalie Clifton, Tourist Information

Local Abattoir Opens It’s Doors

Hello. Just a reminder that this Saturday our local abattoir (Blind Glenn’s Meat Processing on the Slocombe Road, next to the outdoor swimming pool) is throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. It’s guaranteed to be an exciting day out for all the family and although aimed at the bone idle members of the community everyone is welcome. So come and meet the animals, try the equipment and at the end of the day take home some cheap meat or sheepskin coat you’ve just seen made. For the partially sighted and blind we’ve got animal recognition classes (would you know your ass from your heffer just by touch?), and for the able-bodied there are demonstrations on animal restraint, halal slaughter and hygienic effluent disposal. For the under-fives there’s Pin The Tail On The Carcass, an Ice Cream van and, weather permitting, donkey rides. It really will be fantastic, so see you there.

By the way, more local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

Is A Snuff Enough?

Hello. A big thank you to all who visited today’s postponed Christmas Smokers Fair which for once went off almost without incident (luckily the marquee was insured against arson and there were no major injuries reported). But the big news of the day is just breaking… It’s currently too close to call but Beckworth may at last have won the world record of the “most snuff-sniffers in a field at one time”…. I’ll let you know when its been confirmed by The Guinness Records people, but it’s looking good…. Mayor G. Grimsby


Smoke Without Fire

Hello all. Don’t forget that tomorrow, Bank Holiday Monday, Beckworth will be hosting the (postponed) annual Christmas Smokers Fair in the Market Square from 10am.

It’s a not to be missed day out for all the family, young and old. And because it’s a winter event being held in the summer all the events will now be held outdoors, with the exception of the marijuana smokers yoga and reggae drop-in sessions which will as usual be held discretely in the scout hut.

It’s your once in a year opportunity to buy exotic tabacco, nicotene patches, lighters and papers and take part in workshops such as cigar rolling, pipe-rack carving and Johnny Ball‘s matchstick model-making classes (this year on the theme of dance).

The pubs will be open from 8am until very late but let’s hope there isn’t a repeat of last years drunken debacle where well-wishers tried to burn down the Macadamia Hall during the sold-out panto Puss In Boots, starring Will Young and Paris Hilton.


Event’s during the day include Santa’s Summer Grotto, a smokers trivia pub quiz in the marquee from 7pm, tug o’war (last years’ winners The Pipesmokers v new challengers The Cigarello Smokers), Puffin’ Willy’s Steam Fair,  a “smoke-themed” kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds, a concert by Status Quo and Dame Charlotte Church and of course, in the late evening, the crowning of Beckworth’s Smoker Of The Year 2013.

We are also hoping to try again and beat the world record for the most snuff-sniffers in one field. Due to health and safety laws we are not allowed a lit bonfire but smoking is permitted outside in the designated areas furnished with ashtrays and spittoons.

For the youngsters Flintlock Farm’s Mobile Petting Zoo will be setting up in a corner of the sports field and in another corner, for parents, the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be re-enacting the first time tobacco was introduced to Beckworth by smugglers in the 19th century (complete with borrowed horses and a mock-up ship).

So see you all tomorrow, Mayor Gary Grimsby