Remembering Churchill

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this evening we will have a 7.30 Mass in honour of Sir Winston Churchill. The wartime leader, recently voted the greatest Britain of all time, was also a nobel prize winning poet and distinguished seller of cheap car insurance. Mr Winston was buried this day 50 years ago in a tomb a mere 213 miles from Beckworth, and as was done in 1965 he will be accorded a torchlit 21 gun salute by local scouts at 7pm. After the service tea and biscuits will be served, whilst key moments of the ex-president’s life are played out by The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors. See you this evening, and may your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths


(Above) Sir Churchill pictured flouting the smoking ban earlier last century

Volunteers Needed

Hello. Please can you help? Due to a lack of interested parents we are in need of volunteer car drivers for our upcoming foreign exchange programme. You must hold a valid passport, an MOT certificate and a full tank of petrol. Drivers will be required to ferry a maximum of three children from Beckworth High School to their new “foster” homes, and on the return trip bring back an equal number of foreign children. No language skills are need as each driver will be accompanied by a translator. This year we are thrilled to be exchanging our children for youngsters from the badlands of inner-city Glasgow. If you are interested please bring your (genuine) documentation to the school and ask for me, or the caretaker. Yours, Cherie Blair headmistress, Beckworth High School


(Above) Scottish children excitedly await their exchange visit to Beckworth by practicing their “let’s repel the sasanachs” fighting skills

Valiant Son Resumes Ice-Skating Quest

Dear Beckworth and a big hello to the legions of my husband Noel’s fans. Apologies  for not keeping you informed of the whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist. As you know he left Beckworth a few months ago to take on a death-defying challenge, to skate and mime solo around the World, and was last heard of arriving in Liege, Belgium. Since then poor Neil has had to rest up for months in a five-star hotel due to a sprained ankle and visa violations. But now he is fully mended and with a valid passport is on the move again… With your help he aims to buy a first-class train ticket to Gdansk, to enter next months’ Eastern European Mime, Ice Skating and Whelk Eating Championships. It will be televised so his Dad and I are going join Neil there, and we will be representing the UK to in the mixed-doubles figure-skating category, so wish us luck. We are hoping this will get us interviewed on Euro telly, which will do wonders for Noel selling the Telly Addicts format overseas. You can sponsor us, or Neil on his 36 month gap year trip around the world, via his dad’s Deal Or No deal website or by giving us your credit card details in person. Please give generously! Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmonds


(Above) Noel and Nell Edmonds practice their tripple-silco in advance of competing in the Gdansk championships

Jason Orange Announces Post Take That Plans

Hello. I’m very honoured to announce that my cousin, and regular glazing customer, Jason Orange today called a press conference in the showrooms of Anglican Windows (where Jason was ordering new patio doors) to share with us his secret-until-now post- Take That plans. Whilst expertly demonstrating our range of uPVC windows to members of the media, cousin Jase unveiled his idea to form a super group alongside Brian Harvey, John Hendy and Terry Coldwell (ex-members of East 17) and Howie Dorough (of rockband The Backstreet Boys). He’s registered the name Just Seventeen Boys and hopes to use sponsorship and crowdfunding to finance a tour of local pubs and record a single. On behalf of Anglican Windows may I wish Jason and his young friends the best of luck with the band. And with the new doors. Celine Dion, manageress, Anglican Windows


(Above) Jason Orange’s handsome arm demonstrates how to safely open a double-glazed window earlier today

Do You Know A Good Hangover Cure Brian Cox?

Hello to all my devoted followers and my beloved hairdresser. Beautiful Professor Brian here to answer your New Year’s question “Is There A Cure For A Hangover?” I’ll keep this brief as for some unknown reason i’ve got a really bad headache and a bout of nausea… When our prehistoric ancestors invented alcohol as a way of forgetting their woes (noisy dinosaurs flattening their mud huts, mammoths eating the family etc) they accidentally gave the world the hangover. For millennia cultures have searched for an elusive remedy… But after 3 or 4 weeks of non-stop hands-on research on behalf of all humankind I’ve discovered that the best cure for a hangover is (drum roll please while i flick my luscious fringe)… to just carry on drinking through the next day… and the next.

So, in the spirit of scientific discovery I’m rushing off to meet my close friends from Top Gear in the wine bar for a shandy or three. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.


(Above) Professor Cox’s drinking buddy Clarky Clarkson gets the first round in earlier today, who alongside Andy Hamster and Jimmy May are researching hangovers

Gastronomic Pioneer Pops His Clogs

Sad news just in. The family of 76 year old Dave Ploughman have announced that the local gastro pioneer and alcoholic somnambulist passed away peacefully late last night whilst sleep walking down the high street. A very familiar sight in his dressing gown and slippers Dave was for years the landlord of Beckworth’s Blind Badger pub, and it was whilst running the bar and drinking it dry that he invented many wonderful food stuffs we now take for granted. His protege Heston Blumenthal said on hearing the tragic news “The world will be a poorer place without Dave, but his dishes will live on. He invented pork scratchings, dry roasted nuts, scampi in a basket, to name just three but his culinary masterpiece is of course the Ploughman’s Lunch. It was originally just called Dave’s lunch, as he ate every day of his waking life.” holding back the tears he then added “It was Dave that inspired me to get into cooking and for that I will forever be in his debt.” I think I speak for us all when I say that heaven has gained a wonderful snack-making angel in Mr Ploughman. Christine Batley. Chief Deceased Publican Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Dave Ploughman’s signature lunch time dish

Naturists Plea For Cleanliness

Hello. I wonder if you can help? The members of your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are on the look-out for a replacement window cleaner. Roger, our regular naked window cleaning operative, is currently in hospital with pneumonia and so we need to find a nude replacement asap. Local pigeons have made a right mess of my close friend Wayne’s green house and we’re hosting a naturist’s tea party in it this Sunday. If anyone knows a buff cleaner please contact me in person before the weekend (the naturists meet at the scout hut every Thursday evening from 9pm). Thank you, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists


(Above) Roger the window cleaner in action last year

New Shop Opens On Our Thriving High Street

Hello. I just thought i’d let you know the good news that a new shop is opening this Saturday on the high street, and bucking the nationwide trend it’s not a betting shop, charity emporium nor a payday loan shark outlet. Nestling between the builder’s merchants and the undertakers on the site of the condemned cinema, the new retailer will be the county’s first ladle superstore. Called Len’s Ladle Superstore the shop is local dance teacher, and kitchen utensil expert, Len Goodman‘s first foray into shopkeeping and we wish him well. Len has been quoted as saying “I saw a gap in the market when i tried to buy a set of ladles as a wedding present for a friend and found nowhere locally sold them… So my superstore will fill the void.” Cutting the ribbon at the opening will be Len’s best friend Bruno Tonioli himself a dab hand with cooking ephemera. I think Len’s “big spoon shop” will at last put Beckworth on the catering supplies map which is great news for the local economy. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce.


(Above) A very excited Bruno Tonioli and Len Goodman model ladles from the soon to be available stock at Len’s Ladle Superstore

Why Do We Have New Years Day Brian Cox?

Hello all. Professor Brian here to answer a query left hanging around since the beginning of 2015. Many of you asked “Why do we have a New Year’s Day?” and I promised to tell you (and I’ve not forgotten my promise to find a hangover cure. Rest assured i’m conducting a lot of hands on research on your behalf).

Like many things we take for granted we need to thank the Roman’s for having New Year’s Day. It was invented by a Roman general in the 1st century AD as a response to the ancient Greeks who’d recently invented New Year’s Eve and in doing so had gained a reputation as being popular party people. The general, named Partimus Drunkimus, never got invited to these January 31st night-time gatherings and so drew up plans and recipes for his own day of merriment, games, food and beverages. These quickly caught on throughout the Western World, especially his game of musical statues and his cocktail Brandy Alexandra (named in honour of Alexander The Great), which we continue to enjoy to this day. So because of jealousy we now have both New Years Day and Eve to enjoy… See you soon to discuss hangovers, in the meantime I’m rushing off to meet my best friend Boris Johnson in the pub for a game of darts. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.


(Above) A statue of Partimus Drunkimus clutching the brandy alexandra he invented


Eldest Beckham Boy Signs Pants Modelling Deal

Underwear news just in… Proud parents, and local novelty-gift shop owners, Dave and Vicky Beckham have just announced in a rambling text message that their eldest son, Peckham Beckham, has landed his first two-figure modelling deal. Beckham Jnr, aged 17 and studying cake decorating at catering college, is to be the 2015 face, or rather arse, of Kevin Kline‘s very snug pants and builder’s bum jeans. His father Dave emailed me the picture (see below) and proudly added “he really takes after his old man in the package and buns department, so showing off Kev’s pants and strides is really up his street.” I couldn’t agree more and will post more revealing pictures of Peckham if i can get them!!! Christine Batley. Chief Very Brief Briefs And Super Tight Denim Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Peckham Beckham modelling Kevin Kline pants earlier today