Warren In My Sporran

Hello all. Just thought I’d share the great news that local TV company Livingstone Productions has been commissioned to make a second installment of it’s BAFTA winning children’s series Warren In My Sporran for BBC Scotland. For those of you who missed the first series Daniel Day Lewis stars as Warren, a deminutive adult vagrant who lives in the sporran of young Highland’s boy Angus MacDonald (ably played by Ronnie Corbett). The episodes follow Warren’s hilarious adventures in and out of Angus’s kilt, with many scenes shot in and around Beckworth. Well done to all at Livingstones! Christine Batley. Chief Television & Film Reporter. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Method actor Daniel Day Lewis stars as the small tramp Warren who makes his home in young Angus MacDonald’s sporran

Scouts On Parade

Dear all, just to say that this Sunday the scouts and guides will be marching to and from the church in memory of local celeb and scout founder Enoch “Baden” Powell. It’s two hundred years since Mr Powell started the scout movement in his garden shed and in celebration we are honoured to have head of the scouts Bob Gedof leading the parade.

See you Sunday. Thanks Tony Grimsby, Group Scout Leader


(Above) The Patron Saint of Scouting, Sir Bob-A-Job Geldof

Today At Wimbledon

Hello all. Don’t forget to switch your telly over to Wimbledon today as local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford is playing on Court No3. He is playing young Austrian hopeful Jurgen Melzer and after Corky’s amazing trouncing of Roger Federer in the second round it promises to be a nail-biting match. Partially-sighted 89 year old Lionel is the third oldest ranked tennis player in the world (ranked 542) and he only took up the game aged 66 upon retirement from a career at WHSmiths. When interviewed, modest Mr Deptford put his extraordinary win over Federer down to the wonders of viagra, a lifetime of eating red meat, regular sex and the fact that he was a much better player than Roger. Fingers crossed Corky annihilates Melzer today, it would be wonderful to see an all British final with Lionel v Murray next week. Here’s hoping! Christine Batley. Chief Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) “New balls please”
Corky warms up at Wimbledon before today’s match

Naturist’s Day Trip To London

Hello, I hope you all enjoyed our recent trip to Alton Towers as much as I did. I had a real blast and made new friends at every turn. My close friend Wayne couldn’t resist making an exhibition of himself in the children’s sandpit! He’s such a show off, and it took some  explaining to the security guards!! Anyway, this notice is just to let you know that we are now taking deposits for the next Beckworth & Slocombe Naturist’s Big Day Out, but hurry places are limited. On August 4th we’re off to London on the train and our schedule will kick-off with a tour of Westminster Cathedral (timed to coincide with the choristers hymnal practice). Then we’re planning the following: a spin on the Eye, lunch in Pizza Hut, a trip up the Shard to take in the sights, shopping in Oxford Street (or if you prefer a dip in the Trafalgar Square fountains), followed by dinner at the swanky KFC off Leicester Square. But the icing on the cake will surely be seeing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (starring Johnny Depp) at Drury Lane. We’ve block booked the front row to get the best seats in the house, so everyone will get a good view. It’s a jam packed day and the all in cost, including sandwiches and soft drinks on the outward journey, is £699 including VAT. Contact me, Lionel, for details and I do hope members old and new can join us for this memorable trip. PS Suggestions of where to go for our annual naturist’s Christmas getaway gratefully received.

Alton towers naturist2

(Above) Wayne Derby hanging out at Alton Towers just before his tussle with security

Paris Hilton Name Change

Howdy hi. After many years of legal wrangling and dozens of court appearances local heavy-rock duo The Paris Hilton are bowing to pressure from little-known American singer-songwriter Paris Hilton and changing their name. They had argued that she should change her name as they have been using it since 1989 but the courts ruled against them. So from now on the duo will be simply known as The Beijing Hilton to avoid confusion. Albert Leamington III. Band Manager.


Easily confused: The Paris Hilton, as was (above left), and Paris Hilton as is (above right)

Beckworth Star Spot: Prince Charles

Hello. I’ve just seen Royal friend of the earth Prince Charles cycling to the shops surrounded by his body guards. Mr Charles really is a man of the people as every few yards he stopped to chat to his subjects and sign autographs. Also, his ears are a lot smaller in real life, as you can see in the photo I took. Leslie Warwick

Prince Charles On A Bike

(Above) Nature lover Prince Charles spotted in town today

Beckworth Star Spot: The Wanted U.S. Spy Edward Snowden

I’ve just seen that wanted spy bloke Edward Snowden buying a strawberry-blonde hairpiece in Wiggins For Wigs. I was in there getting my own syrup washed and combed as today’s bitter wind had completely buggered it up. Suddenly the door flew open and in came the spy from the cold. He looked quite flustered and the silly bugger claimed he was being followed. So Bradley Wiggins Snr calmed him down with a cuppa and got to work on a new hair and side-burn ensemble. Mr Eddie “The Eagle” Snowden seemed very relieved when he saw his new barnet and even bought a matching beard as it was in the sale. Mr Wiggins Snr told him “even your own Mother wouldn’t recognise you now,” which seemed to make Eddie the spy very happy. On leaving he asked the way to the airport as he said he’s going on a very long holiday. Lucky Man. G. Barnstaple


(Above) “Spot the difference”
A Wiggin’s Wig & Beard make Edward look years younger

Royal Choice On The Voice

Dear all, just to say that I have taken my Voice vote-rigging complaint to the watchdog, OffGen, and i’ll let you know how I get on. It looks very much as if all the votes were directed towards one singer, which would have been a fair landslide if it had been Tom Jones protoge, my cousin Jack-Agoogoo. I have had more than five emails of support and two people are joining me in not paying the licence fee. On a positive note the Palace has contacted me to say The Queen wants to book Jack to sing Kajagoogoo songs at the birth of Wills and Kate‘s first child (and they let slip the child will be called Neville, but I’m sworn to secrecy). So even Royalty recognises who should have won.

Yours Nelly Ryde. Manager Jack-AgooGoo


(Above) William and Kate of Wales overjoyed at the news that the Queen has booked Jack-Agoogoo to sing at the birth of their first child, Prince Neville

Saturdays’ Sunday, Mondays’ Tuesday

Just to let you know that due to ongoing works to stem a sewage flood in the ladies powder room this coming Saturday’s Saturdays gig at The Macadamia Hall will be postponed until Sunday 30th. Next Tuesday’s Happy Mondays gig should be uneffected. Tickets are still available for both sold-out concerts.

Yours Terence Eccles. General Manager, The Macadamia Hall


(Above) The Saturdays photographed during rehearsals last Friday

Dubious Choice On The Voice

Dear all, I imagine you are as gutted as me about tonights final of The Voice. I mean, what the h**l happened? How could a clear winner, Jack-Agoogoo, come third? He gave his all, even suffering a suspected heart attack (later diagnosed as indigestion) mid-song. That alone should have got the sympathy votes. Tom Jones is in pieces as he lost a big bet that would have seen him set up for life. I’m not alone in blaming ruddy Will.I.Am for the lack of votes, fancy saying Jack’s singing was flat. It wasn’t flat. Poor Jack’s suffered throughout the whole series by having faulty microphones. Anyway, we were so obviously robbed that we’re demanding a recount (by people not a computer). He deserved to win, he was street’s ahead of the two birds and every week he was viewers choice. So watch this space as I’m going to fight this all the way for my cousin Jack. Until this is resolved I won’t be paying my TV licence and you should do the same. That should get the BBC to recount and make the right choice of winner.

Yours Nelly Ryde. Manager Jack-AgooGoo


(Above) Andrea Begley, allegedly winning the Voice 2013