Happy Birthday JC

Good afternoon Beckworth, I do hope you are all enjoying the wonderful weather your mayor’s office has layed on this weekend… And what better way to enjoy the sunshine than to celebrate the birthday of Beckworth’s most famous offspring known to fans simply as JC. Yes, I mean Joan Collins. And tomorrow afternoon our annual JC Whitsun Bank Holiday Birthday Parade will be starting at 1:00pm, so there’s plenty of time to come along. For the last 64 years or so Beckworth has combined it’s Whitsun Bank Holiday celebrations with Mrs Collin’s birthday in exchange for the popular actress & part-time trucker laying on most of the cheap entertainment, food and drink and donating some trucks from her haulage company for use as floats. I am hoping we will see crowds of enthusiastic spectators all along the 7 mile route; starting at Beckworth library steps and winding it’s way very slowly to Crewbury Synagogue. Plucky old bird Joan Collins (109 years old last Tuesday) will be dressing as a “large heffer” due to a sizeable sponsorship deal with a local slaughterhouse, so she should look spectacular. Once again we’d hoped to book the Red Arrow’s to perform a flypast but they say we can’t afford them and put the phone down when we inquired. Thank goodness Noel Edmunds has promised to put on a death-defying kite display around early evening and local east end bouncer, and part-time bouncer at the nursery, Ray Winstone has agreed to lead the floats and the WI marching band on a borrowed tricycle. See you all on Monday. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

May Wishes The May Election May Be A Family May Affair

Political May news just in… Word on the grape-vine is that Prime Minister “in-waiting” Theresa “Terry” May is hoping that if she becomes the UK’s next President that she can persuade her son, Brian (of local band The Queen), to become her minister of music, hair and science. I think that together the two Mays could be the tonic this country sorely needs. I’ll keep you posted if Terry does become PM. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief May In May PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Melton Mowbray Or Bust

Hello. This forthcoming bank holiday Monday (May 29th) your local naturists, the Beckworth and Slocombe branch, are taking the bus to the bright lights of the naturism mecca, Melton Mowbray. This will be the second time we’ll be taking part in the local heats of the UK Naturist Go-Karting Championships, the last time we competed in motorsports the team was unfairly disqualified for wearing socks with our sandals. Once again our best hope of success is my close friend Wayne, who has been practicing at home on his Wii, and I will be taking part myself, having thoroughly enjoyed the few laps I completed last time. We still need three more drivers for the five (wo)man team and no-previous experience is needed, so why not join Team Nude Beckworth. This year we’re sponsored by Greggs the Bakery who’ll be supply all the teams sausage-roll needs, so what’s not to like? Come and enjoy a day of speed, baked-goods and nudism (Successful applicants will need to supply their own helmets). We also would like to take along as many (undressed) supporters as possible, so you why not join us on our day out? Greggs sandwiches and crisps will be included in the price of the day trip, which is only £477 return per person. I hope to see you at the bus station on 29th, yours Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

It’s Time To Buy The Grave You’ve Always Promised Yourself

Hi all. Next Saturday, the 13th May, Beckworth Cemetery will once again fling open it’s rusting gates for our annual Cemetery Open Day. It is bound to be a fun day out for lots of the family, with much to excite every generation, especially those closer to death. There’s a “bouncy castle” made of old mattresses, non-violent Punch & Judy (if Derek Shipston gets out of prison in time) and the famed Follyfoot Farm Mobile Petting zoo (including rides on Tina the donkey) for the kids. Come along and have a go at our spot the dead celebrity grave competition, with prizes for young and old (Star-prize 10% off a fake marble headstone). We’ve got burial plots of all shapes, depths and sizes to try out in readiness of your longed for “big day,” plus we’ve a few pre-loved carved headstones on display, so everyone can choose the grave they’ve always dreamt of. We also hope to have a cake stall, a band and a cider and cheese tent for the over 18s. Amazingly we’re offering 11% off all grave-digging booked on the day, so don’t be shy, look death in the eye and come on by. See you there, Dave “David’ Monmouth, Cemetery Manager

World Famous Tribute Act Performing Tonight

Hi to all, this is to remind you that tickets are still available for tonight’s traditional May Day concert in the front bar. This year we’re lucky to have probably the World’s  favourite Led Zeppelin tribute act performing, Ned Zeppelin. Ned is new to these shores (He’s never been out of Hungary before) and follows a long family line of Led Zep tribute acts that have wowed Eastern Europe in the past (His Dad Jed and Grandfather Ted were equally famous in their day). Ned was recently voted Hungary’ 98th favourite covers act and his one-man band will be playing all the many hits, and misses, of Led Zeppelin. Hungarys’ favourite DJ Shane 54 will be compering the event and his sister Nikki 54 has promised to perform some exotic dancing between songs. There’ll also be a MayDay buffet so come down and get involved people. This is your MayDay, so use it or lose it… Doors open at 6.46, tickets cost just £105.60 and tonight’s featured real ale is Hungary Like The Wolf. So see you this evening. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue