It’s Fudge Time. Again

Dear all. Once again it’s time to get in the kitchen and get cooking. No, i’m not talking about the imminent arrival of Bake Off, i’m reaching out as our local Father & son “builders” Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and Heston Blumenthal still need your help. The pair have moved onto phase two of “Fudgeworth” (the model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge) following the successful, yet low key, opening of phase one and need 750,000 fudge bricks to build a scale model of the local mosque and scout hut with playing field. So ladies and gents and children of Beckworth, this summer let’s forgo holidays and get making more fudge. An emotional Tony told me over a few brandys in the hotel bar “That if each of Beckworth’s residents made at least eighteen kilograms of fudge per day for the next six weeks, and then volunteered to help with the build, they could get probably get phase two finished in time for when the schools reopen in September… Or failing that next Easter.” So listeners, the gauntlet has been thrown down. Will you pick it up (figuratively speaking). Please help tearful Tony, and his son Heston, as they can’t do this job without your help. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for lazy people (who like to get filmed for channel 4) not dropping off fudge or helping with the brick laying. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel


(Above) Father & son chefs need your help…

Hit & Knit Bootcamp, Apply Now

Greetings fitness fans. It’s time to limber up those knitting-needles and polish up your boxing gloves as August see’s the return of “our” highly successful Hit & Knit course. Started a few years ago by Beckworth’s very own “lady” TV tennis-commentator and horse-botherer, Clare Balding, the course seeks to give students a grounding in the mental & physical riguers of knitting combined with the keep-fit pummelling of boxing. Although inspired to start the classes by her heroes Eddie The Edwards Eagle and Amir Khan it was her own upbringing she drew on most as she comes from a bare-knuckle fighting dynasty. And her Great-Gran was a World famous speed knitter. In the past Clare has used Hit and Knit to successfully train the X-Factor judging panel, Prince George‘s nanny and the disgraced ex-presenters of Top Gear. In a new twist on the format, this year the course will run 24/7 for 4 weeks with all “inmates” living full-time in the gym changing rooms. Also, due to her busy schedule, Ms Balding has handed the course over to her good “friend” (and ex- Hit & Knit graduate) Michael McIntyre, ably assisted by Ms Clare’s very own Aunt Dolly. Places are limited so book early, and as the slogan says “before you can say Hit One, Purl One you’ll have made yourself a new sweater, with matching shorts, and be able to punch well above your weight. You’ll be a new you!” All sexes welcome, but it’s over 18s only. The whole course only costs £22,673 (excluding costs of materials, food and medical insurance). See you at the gym in August, Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym.

grandmother Boxing1

(Above) Mrs Nora Balding, gearing up to assist on this years’ Hit & Knit course

Book Signing Tomorrow

Good afternoon to one and all. We are very excited to announce that local children’s authors Jane and Adam Garethson will be signing copies of their latest novel tomorrow. Their new book, Playground Muggers, is the 23rd in the popular Tipsy & Tom series for the under-fives. The books follow the adventures of the drunken young brother and sister as they get to grips with growing up in a crime family in suburbia (allegedly based in Beckworth and drawing on both authors’ traumatic childhoods). I’m told that in this story the sozzled tots learn how to raise money, with menaces, at their new infant school. No doubt with hilarious consequences. It’s sure to be a thrilling page turner for young and old readers, so see you tomorrow afternoon. Nita Glamorgan. Manageress. Iceystones Bookshop.


(Above) The latest Tipsy & Tom novel, in store now

Suspected Mafia Don Arrested

Very exciting criminal news just in… This morning at around 8.27am heavily-armed police swooped on the Costa Nostra Cafe, on Springsteen Street, and arrested a suspected Mafia don. A witness was quoted as saying “At first we thought the bobby’s were there for their usual big fry-up, but imagine our surprise when they just ordered croissants… they then proceeded to (hand-) cuff local window cleaner Tony “The Nut” Pistachio who was quietly enjoying beans on toast. With a latte.” Another witness added “The coppers told me that they think 83 year old Tony is actually Anthony “The Total Nut” Cashew. The ruthless leader of the Sicilian crime family The Cashews & Brazils…” he went on “This Anthony’s been wanted by Interpol for 62 years, so if it’s him the Beckworth Police will be hoping for a large cash reward… And some shiny medals.” Ron “Don” Corleone the cafe owner chipped in saying “I don’t mind mafia arrests over breakfast, that’s just a hazard of running an Italian eatery… What i dislike is that the rozzers haven’t paid for their ruddy breakfasts.” No doubt this will put Beckworth on the crime-wave map, so I’ll keep you posted on the arrest, deportation etc as it happens. Christine Batley. Chief Criminal Underworld Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Heroic Son Reaches Italy At Last

Dear Beckworth. As promised I am keeping you, the many millions, if not billions, of my husband Noel’s fans up to date with whereabouts of our youngest son Neil. Neil is a celebrated ice skating champion and mime artist, now celebrating the first year of his world Ice Skating tour, which has so taken in Kent, Gdansk, France (twice), Belgium and a stretch in a Spanish prison. He has just arrived at the Italian border and we can report that he is being held in a secure facility by customs, who think he is an illegal immigrant. His father Noel Edmonds hopes to fly out in a few weeks to secure Neil’s release, once he’s finished the new series of Deal Or No Deal. Neil still needs sponsorship so please donate via his dad’s website or by giving us cash in person. Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmonds
(Above) Neil Edmonds accommodation in sunny Italy

Corky Crashes Out

Exciting sports news just in… I’m sure we were all cheering on local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford yesterday, as he played in the quarter finals at Wimbledon on Centre Court. It was so disheartening to see the almost-completely blind 91 year old survivor of two hip replacements roundly thrashed in straight sets by a player almost four times his junior. And despite getting into a fist-fight with a ball-girl, Corky did Beckworth and England proud. And as he said in a post-match interview “never mind there’s always next year…” But it’s easy for him to be positive, what did he have to lose? I’m unhappy as I had a £10 bet on him winning in the final against Andy Murray. So it wasn’t a good day for me! Christine Batley. Chief Betting On Tennis At Wimbledon Reporter. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Corky in action against Richard Gasquet earlier yesterday at Wimbledon

Local Museums Announce Plans To Merge

News just in… Beckworth’s world famous Museum of Cheese has announced plans to merge with a neighbouring museum in a drive to save money and increase visitor numbers.  Spokesperson and curator for the MoC, part-time popstar Will Young, was quoted as saying “with every museum chasing funding, more and more exhibitors will have to join together to survive…” he went onto add “we tried to merge with The Paris Musée du Onions but they said we were too far away and they hated the English. So we are very lucky to have joined forces with a museum just a few miles away, and who’s remit compliments ours perfectly.” We were still in the dark until he announced they would merge with the little known Slocombe Chalk Museum. The new combined “supermuseum” will focus on the history of cheeses and chalks and even boast a souvenir shop and cafe. It will likely be sited in Crewbury, probably in the old public toilets as the rent is cheap. They hope to open in just a few days once the urinals have been cleaned. I’ll keep you posted about when the grand opening is. Christine Batley. Chief Carbonated Limestone & Coagulated Milk Product Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth Will-Young & His Cheese

(Above) Will Young announcing plans for the Museum of Cheese earlier today

Wimbledon Wednesday

Hello. This Wednesday, 8th July, your local naturists (the Beckworth and Slocombe branch) are going by coach to Wimbledon and fortunately for you we still have some room on the coach and spare tickets to Court No1 left over. This really is a golden opportunity for you to discover the wonders of going nude in public and to see some, hopefully, wonderful tennis being played. My close friend Wayne, himself an ex-Wimbledon ballboy (until he was sacked for being too old, slow and undressed), has promised a tennis quiz on the journey there and to show us all the “backstage” parts of Wimbledon usually off-limits to the public including the players changing rooms and toilets. Maybe Andy Murray will be there? Cooling off in the showers! Sandwiches and bottled water will be included in the price of the coach trip, which is only £715 per person but remember, if the sun is shining you’ll get an all over tan for nothing and probably get seen on telly (as has happened in previous years when we’ve been asked to cover up). I hope to see you on the coach, Lionel T. Worton. Secretary. Beckworth and Slocombe Naturists

(Above) Wayne, a local Beckworth naturist, enjoying the Wimbledon tennis last year

Postponed Parade Today

Hello. Just thought i’d remind you that today we will be celebrating yesterday’s US independence day with a parade, followed by a rodeo on the sports field. Due to many of the visiting rodeoers and American marching bands getting delayed in Kent due to the French port workers strike we decided to put the event back by 24 hours… The parade will start at the library (at 11am) and is due to be led by our very own Beckworth cheerleading troupe and the scouts brass band.

And to quote Bill Christchurch of the Beckworth Historical Society: “Those of you who know your history will remember that some of the very first US settlers were originally from Beckworth, having fled the local landowners draconian Muffin and Cream Tea taxes. In those far off days the towns main export was these staple foodstuffs so the towns people were hit hard. Not to be defeated they packed up their baking ingredients and emigrated to America. They settled near what is now called New York and named their new village New Beckworth, with whom we are now twinned. For many years all went well, they even exported their high teas back to England. But the English back home got greedy and wanted all the scones and muffins for themselves. So they sent soldiers to the colonies, which led to bloody pitch battles on US soil, known as the War Of Afternoon Teas. These pioneering bakers fought hard against their former countrymen and in 1776 were declared the winners. With the UK runners-up. Thus they attained independence for their new country, and the copyright on Muffin recipes. Hence why we celebrate every 4th July. Or this year the 5th July.”

Fascinating stuff. Have a great day. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Beckworth-4th July Parade

(Above) An artists impression of our 5th of July parade happening later today

Local Businesses To Petition Government Over London Airport Report

Good morning to you all. I’m hoping I can rely on local common folk such as yourself to join me and the Beckworth trade guild in airing (no pun intended) our disappointment at this week’s biased report into the future of London’s airports. We at the guild have campaigned tirelessly to have an international airport sighted in the green fields of Beckworth but we, the “little people,” have once again been ignored. Our plan may not be as glamorous as Boris Island, as close to London as Heathrow (therefore we’d have no issues about polution) or in the heart of the South of England like Gatwick. But we have far more charity shops than both Luton and Stanstead and they got a ruddy mention in the report. We didn’t even get that. And we have impressive transport links that have been overlooked. We can already boast twice daily buses to the nearest train station, where passengers can catch a train that goes quite close to London. But let’s not be defeated, the battle may be lost but the war is far from over. So please sign the petition “Beckworth Wants An Airport. Or At Least A Runway,” which will be on view in many of the town’s shops from today. Or allow yourself to be harassed by a chugger on the high street. Let’s fight together. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Beckworth Airport

(Above) An architect’s plans for the proposed Beckworth International Airport as submitted to the Government’s commission