Just a reminder that tomorrow from 11am, after a 2 minute silence, we will be accurately recreating the The Battle Of Somme on the sports field. This will be one our most epic reenactments ever and will played out in real time all afternoon and long into the night (with breaks for lunch and dinner where we will eat 1916 rations). Due to the numbers of WW1 soldiers needed for the battle we have invited some of our most hated rival re-enactors to play the loathed German hun. We are expecting World class “actors” from Hull, Portsmouth, Croydon and if their coach arrives in time, Jersey. We hope to perform to large crowds and TV crews and have been practicing for many evenings. So come and support us, as it is a battle we must never forget.
The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors
Ello fans, Dame Babs Windsor here. I bet you’ve been wondering how I looked so fabulous and young when I died on Eastenders recently… And how do I look so trim when advertising bingo? Well now I can share my secret with you; it’s my recently rediscovered Five To diet. “Was it invented by an ancient race of cockney Pearly Kings & Queens Dame Babs?” I hear you ask? Nah, it was taught to me in the 1960s by my old friend Hattie Jaques, who’d made it up one lunchtime whilst we filmed a Carry On film. But then I clean forgot all about it… But last year I found a scrap of paper in an old coat which had all the instructions scribbled on it. And now i’m ready to share it’s teachings as a gift to stop all my fans getting fat on the NHS. “Cor blimey that’s generous, but how’s it work Dame Babs” I hear you ask? Simply put, it’s all about bein’ strict about when you eat your grub… ’cause with my Five To diet it’s all about scoffing down your meat an’ two veg at five minutes to the hour… and only at five minutes to the hour. So not ten to, on the hour or quarter past. It has to be exactly five to for it to work proper (and it’s been scientifically proven to work by that cute Dr Christian off Embarrassing Bodies!). And the good news is it can be Five to any hour. Even in the middle of the night after you’ve had some how’s your father! And unlike the aggro you get with other diets with mine you can ruddy well eat as much as like, and as often as you want. As long as it’s only at five to… “Where do we find out about the bleedin’ 5-2 diet Dame Babs? I hear you lard arses ask?” Well, for 6 weeks in July I will be hosting my classes in the scout hut and sharing my secret… The course costs £55 a class and starts at 6.55 on 6th July… But don’t turn up if you ain’t got the cash, or else i’ll shout “GET OUT OF MY HUT!” Ta ta Till next week, Dame Babs
Hello all. Don’t forget to watch Today At Wimbledon on BBC2 this evening, as highlights of local tennis pro Lionel “Corky” Deptford’s first-round match are highly likely to be shown. Due to an order of play mix-up poor Corky accidentally played against Venus Williams, and almost won, until he was hospitalised due to a bloody altercation with a ball-girl. The completely blind 92 year old, who plays by sense of smell alone, was playing on Court No 93 (just by the Lidl car park) and it was a nail-biting match, one that Ms Venus called “probably the most-draining” of her career. Lionel is almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player (10,062nd) second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (102 years young and currently ranked 78th). When interviewed in A&E Mr Deptford said he took being wrestled to the ground by a ball wielding 12 year old girl as “just one of those crazy things that happens in World class tennis” and hoped to still be playing in the mixed doubles later this week, if his partner Wayne Federer (Roger’s Dad) was match fit. Fingers crossed. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) Corky in action against Venus Williams earlier today
Breaking referendum news just in… Local Bremain campaigners are to challenge the legality of last week’s referendum over a technicality. It has come to light that many ballot sheets had misspelt European Union as European Onion, causing dozens of voters to believe it was just a referendum on the purchasing, or rejection, of multi-layered vegetables from across the channel, and as a consequence not of much historical importance. This could throw the results into disarray and mean a second referendum is needed. One in which Bremain would again offer an alternative way forward; one where we remained in the EU, whilst pretending we had left. Thus keeping almost everyone happy. Sadly this time round they only got 3 votes in the town, so they’d be hoping to do better if we get a second go. Christine Batley. Chief “Praying For A Miracle So I Can Still Buy A Time Share In Marbella” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) An example of the faulty voting slip
And the breaking referendum news is… Beckworth has voted by an allegedly massive landslide majority for Brexit. Those wanting to leave the safety and prosperity of the EU got 49.5% of the votes against 48.5% for Remain, who we all assumed would romp home and even organised an all night party for. It was a sober gathering by the early hours, made worse by the noisy Brexit party next door where Nigel Farage and his brothers Neville and Arthur were DJing and loudly chatting up young ladies. Just 0.5% of the town voted for Bremain, a local “compromise” alternative, who campaigned on the promise they would “leave the EU” whilst actually lying to the population of this country and staying in for their own good “as the citizens of the UK can’t be trusted to vote the right way”. The poor Liberal Democrats also only polled 0.5%, which for them is rather good, especially as they weren’t officially on the ballot paper. One Brexit voter told me this morning, as they were raising the union jack over their shed, “We’ve given Cameron and his London hipsters a bloody nose they’ll not forget… Now it’s back to the task of rebuilding our once mighty Empire without the interference of Brussels,” another told me their only regret is “that Ciabatta and Virgin Olive Oil may now be in short supply.” Capturing the mood of Remain voters one told me as she was getting out of her Bentley “it’s the UK MEP‘s I feel sorry for, as they will be “out of a job at a time when there are so few opportunities for washed up politicians.” Personally my heart goes out to all the heads of industry and bankers who’d helped to make the union what it was. Christine Batley. Chief “OMG, Now I’m Really Buggered And Can’t Retire To Spain” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) Beckworth’s expectant looking ballot box earlier yesterday
Hi. Are you still undecided which way to vote in tomorrow’s once in a lifetime EU referendum? Maybe you want to hear the truth about leaving or staying for yourself? Or perhaps you just want an evening’s entertainment watching two posh right-wing politicians shout loudly and borishly at each other in your local pub? Well lucky for you we’re hosting a debate tonight between two such prominent toff MPs followed by a disco, and tickets are still available on the door (£42.28 each, under 5′s free). Shouting loudly in support of thinly disguised jingoism, will be Tory MP for East Jaywick, Sir Dennis “Mungbean” Farringdon-Station OBE (Brexit). And berating him with complete falsehoods and libelous slurs will be hedge-fund manager and disgraced Tory MP for Waveney, Rory “Ra Ra Ra I Schooled With Wills and Harry” Hemel-Hemstead CBE (Remain). It is bound to be a enlightening evening if we can work out what they are saying in their stuffy accents. And probably a bloody good laugh if we can’t. Doors open at 8.46, and tonight’s featured real ale is Well Bugger Me. So see you this evening. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Greetings fitness fans. In recognition of today being International Knitting In Public Day we at Chegwins Gym are hosting a day of classes from Clare Balding’s highly successful Hit & Knit course. All classes will be held outdoors in the grounds of the cemetery next door (or inside the chapel of rest if it rains) and taken by acclaimed “black-belt” teacher Michael McIntyre and his new assistant Germaine Greer. Classes will start at 12 if Mr McIntyre can get his flatmate Mrs Greer get up in time. But come early as places are very limited and space between the graves quite tight. For the uninitiated the Hit & Knit franchise was started a few years ago by TV’s favourite horse-botherer Ms Clare Balding and seeks to give students of all ages and sexual persuasions a grounding in the mental, & highly physical, riguers of knitting combined with the keep-fit pummeling of boxing. Today’s one-hour “sample” classes cost £53 to attend (£43 for students and low-life on benefits) with enrolement for the whole Autumn course will commencing next month. For the less abled or lethargic we will also be laying on crochet, sewing and cake eating demonstrations. See you in the cemetery… Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym.
What better way could there be to celebrate Father’s Day than with a family day-out to visit us friendly folk at Fawke’s. We understand that buying a gift for the ungrateful old duffer can be a real grind, and a waste of money especially since he’s needlessly spending all your inheritance by living in a nursing home. But a visit to us means your dilemma is over and will show your Dad and jealous siblings why you should be the sole inheritor. Our team of experts can distract Dad with a cup of weak tea and a chat about the war and his penchant for cross-dressing whilst you discreetly make his funeral arrangements. As a special offer (on Sunday only) we are giving 15% off all our paternal funerals, as long as you put down an 85% non-refundable deposit and can guarantee the old fella will be buried in the next three months. So swing by on Sunday with your unwanted father and we’ll have him measured up for a coffin before you can say “poor sod has no idea what day of the week it is, so it’s more humane this way.” All dad’s, young and old, tall or small, lean or slightly portly are welcome (but not too heavy please; as “big-boned” oldies are a bugger to carry without dropping). So if you want a little help with Mr Death visiting your Pa soon come and see us, we’ll make his speedy journey to the grave seem like it was natural causes. Job done. Yours Gareth Fawkes. Fawkes Funerals.
Hello. Just to remind all you readers that next Monday or Tuesday is the summer solstice (I’m never sure if Midsummers Day is on the 20th or 21st). Whichever day it turns out to be it has been a joyous event for millennia, that’s if the local populace weren’t too bladdered to attend or simply forgot what day it was. If they did remember the good folk of ye olde Beckworth gathered at the ancient Hammerite standing stones for all-day celebrations. From before dawn until way past bedtime the local druids danced, sang and fornicated naked amongst the stones to invoke the sun to rise (and set). Hundreds of animal sacrifices were made to the Gods, until health and safety busy-bodies banned them in the 1980s, and for quite-a-few years the Beckworth Bothamers performed morris dances and skinny dipped in the river to cool off. It’s an idyllic, historical day for all ages, with school children encouraged to attend and pensioners bused in for the occasion. This year, as midsummer falls on a work day and as most of the Druids and Bothamers can’t get the day off, we’ll be celebrating a bit early. On Sunday. So please join us for the mid-morning “conjoining” of Beckworth’s Maiden In White to the Old Slocombe Codger and in the evening the burning of a wicker effigy of the Old Dick of Beckworth. As is tradition the mummers will be enacting mystery plays for 18 hours, or maybe less if they get tired, non-stop and there will be much merriment, berry-harvesting, dancing and singing for all the family to join in with. Food and drink stalls, including one serving Beckworth’s famed Devil’s Punch (made from rotting fruits gathered at last summer solstice), will be set up and music will be performed by local naturist folk bands. Local pop band Coldplay have said they’ll be stripping off to play in late afternoon, so that will be a must see. For the youngest family members there will be a bouncy castle within the stone circle, pin the fig-leaves on the virgin and donkey rides (if we can find some “new” donkeys as the old ones are now sadly deceased). For older residents there will be wheelchair races and an incontinence paddling pool. So come to the Hammerite stones on Sunday and be at one with mother nature.
Clifford Pinner. The Beckworth Bothamers Morris Dancers