Hello to my Coxettes (my dear fans), it’s your beautiful Prof Brian Cox here. I’m sorry I didn’t finish answering yesterday’s burning question “why are we having such hot days this week.” My neighbours and close friends Sir Brian May and his mum (ex-PM) Teresa May popped round with a bottle of sherry to have a natter and admire my fabulous hair and my newly whitened teeth (they were very impressed), which meant I didn’t finish giving the scientific answer… So here goes, the UK is breaking temperature records (I’m told it was probably 38.1C yesterday, which is over 120 degrees in old money) because we’re being invaded by never before seen dessert plumes (tall winds to you plebs) travelling north from places like Iran, Israel and Japan. The plumes are blowing away fluffy clouds and bringing the most sunshine and daylight that we’ve ever seen… And because the UK is just like a big island, surrounded by deep seas and oceans, it feels even hotter and is making us crave cool Pimms and ice creams, which in turn raises temperatures. This creates a vicious circle, the more we drink and Cornettos we consume the hotter it gets… Today is cooler as most shops have now sold out of both, which is vey lucky… On a positive note I’ve managed to get a great all-over tan from nude sunbathing on my garage roof. I’m now going to show it off at the pub to best pals Amanda Holden & David Walliams. I don’t want to be late so better sign off…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello to all my fans, who I fancy I will now name Coxettes. Your wonderful, keeping cool and not sweating, Prof Brian Cox here. My internet mail box and spam thingy are as usual overflowing with readers daily questions, most wasting my precious time, but some have wanted me to answer the same scientifically significant question; why are we having such hot days this week. One person who will remain nameless also asked if will it rain next week as they are going on a camping holiday, but although I am a genius (more so than Steve Hawkin) I’m not a weather forecaster, so I can’t help and consider this matter closed. I can however explain why the UK is breaking the Worlds’ temperature records this year (its probably 150 degrees here in my beautiful Beckworth drawing room, even with the curtains drawn and BBC Radio 4 on!)… It’s all to do with dessert winds coming north from the Middle East via Spain & Italy bringing with it extra portions of sunshine, heat and daylight…. Hold on I’ve just got to answer the door, but will continue shortly, love you all Prof Brian Cox.
Exclusive breaking Prime Minister Johnson news just in… In a fortuitous stroke of luck I just popped out to have a well earned cigarette break and who should I bump into coming out of the betting shop on the high street? Yes, our very own, highly respected, Beckworth MP, Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP who honoured me there and then with an exclusive interview as we shared a Marlborough Light. Mr Tooting-Broadway was very excited to have just won a “monkey on the gee-gees” (I’ve no idea what a monkey means but it must be good given his infectious happiness) and also to have found out that he is very likely to have landed a role in his friend Boris’ cabinet after years gathering dust on the back benches… Stephen told me he had been “friends” with the new Prime Minister since Prep School and that his younger brother, Rory Tooting-Broadway (the famous porn and sausage-meat baron), was Mr Johnsons fag at Eton (I looked it up and it means man servant not gay boy as I’d thought), so they know Boris Johnson‘s most intimate secrets which he’s offered to tell me at a price. Good luck to Tooting-Broadway and of course to Mr Johnson, I think the two of them can at last get us out of the stinking corrupt mire that is Europe. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Boris Johnson PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hello everyone. As you are probably aware it is exactly five years to the day since the inaugural meeting of STUCCO, which aimed to stop one of the devil’s favourite shops opening on the High Street. Ultimately, myself and the other three members of STUCCO failed to stop Cost O’Bucks, the faceless International Irish coffee chain, blighting our beautiful town… But now STUCCO (Stop This Ubiquitous Coffee Chain Opening) is back! We want to stop the Roman coffee chain Stara Nero opening a concession in Sainsco which we know is a Trojab Horse before it takes over the town with its coffee themed comestibles… With your help we could be bigger, better and more organised than last time (and hopefully succesful), and for this reason I am proposing we form a new action committee. I have taken it upon myself to keep the catchy name, STUCCO, and have booked the snug at The Blind Badger this Tuesday at 7pm to have an inaugural meet. Please spread the word and see you then. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh. Chairperson and founder. STUCCO
Hey, you Beckworth people today is your lucky day… Here at Knossos Kebabs we celebrate Man Of The Moon by serving up Moon themed kebabs until 1.25am tonight. Just like astronauts you can eat a kebab looking at the moon (it was the only food they ate whilst in their rocket), and as we generous we’ll donate 50p “to charity” for anyone who can eat a donna & chips in the time it takes us to shout “5, 4 , 3, 2, 1, blast off” very loudly through a loud haler! So bring all your family and friends to party like it’s 1969 at Kape Konaveral (we’ll not be selling food or drink at 1969 prices so don’t get your hope up). Today only we’re offering large “Moon Dust” donna kebabs for £19.99 each (whilst stocks last) and we’ve laid on a local star, the UK’s 44th best David Bowie/Cilla Black impersonator Cilla Sawdust, to sing Ground Control To Major Tom repeatedly, or at least until the batteries in his ghetto blaster run out. Happy Moon Walk day and see you tonight, or this afternoon…. And please bring cash as the card machine is still broken.
Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs
Just a reminder that today, from 2pm, we will be recreating Man’s First Walk On The Moon in the sandpit of the children’s play area next to the sports field. Yesterdays’ dress rehearsal went quite well, with only three re-enactors hospitalised after their pretend rocket went off course and crash landed on the swings. It’s likely to be a day to remember, so see you there…. The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors
Just a reminder that next Saturday, from 2pm, we will be recreating what was probably Man’s First Walk On The Moon in the sandpit of the childrens play area next to the sports field. This is our most ambitious and most daring re-enactment yet and will feature a scale model of the Apollo 11 rocket pretending to take off (from the car park), simulate flying about a bit and then quickly touching down on the moon (the sand pit). From there our two intrepid “astronauts” Lee Armstrong and Buzz Aldridge will act out descending to the moons surface (the sand pit) to take samples of moon dust (sand) and to pitch a tent… Then after an hour or so of walking and jumping about it’ll be back in the rocket to pretend to come home to Earth and splash down in the pond. We’ve even got mock ups of moon rocks and aliens played by many of our members. Its a day to remember, so see you next weekend and lets make (re-enact) history together…. The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors
Breaking Wimbledon new just in (actually it happened yesterday but I was watching Federera and Nedal)… Beckworth’s very own “Mr Tennis” Lionel “Corky” Deptford (along with his “mixed” doubles partner (Andy Murray’s second cousin) Sandy) were sadly beaten in straight sets in yesterday’s semi-final… Someone told me in passing that it was a great match, although they hadn’t actually seen it but then neither has “Corky”as he’s registered blind (he plays by sound alone)!!! Small consolation is that blind 95 year old “Corky” served the fastest ace this year at Wimbledon, having hit a ball at 189mph. Mr Deptford is said to be gutted not to make it to the finals as the winnings were to be spent on a new door for his front porch. Fingers crossed he’ll reach the finals next year and get that door “prize”. Beckworths’ other hope for glory, Corky’s Great-Grandson, 15 year old Louis “Cocky” Lewisham was disqualified minutes into his quarter final match for throwing a full bottle of Robinsons Barley Water (flavour unknown) at the Umpire after Cocky used the f word repeatedly whilst playing. The umpire was unhurt but visibly shaken and left the court in floods of tears… We wish young Master Lewisham much better luck next year… Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian
Dear Beckworth. As promised many years ago I am keeping my husband Noel Edmund’s billions of fans up to date with whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist. You may remember our favourite son left Beckworth almost exactly five years and unfortunately a short time into his round the world skating and mime trip was arrested and imprisoned in Italy for allegedly roller-blading nude outside the Vatican… He luckily escaped prison by disguising himself as a takeaway-pizza box and thanks to a very friendly oil tanker hitched a ride to Brazil… He hadn’t been in Rio long when he was imprisoned again, this time on fabricated charges of imitating in the street, naked apart from a crown of thorns, the famous statue Christ The Redeemer… Thankfully after serving almost 3 years in a maximum security prison Neil has been placed on probation and is planning to stow-away to the USA, where he will no doubt be welcomed and given shelter by his Dad’s legions of American fans. Sir Donald Trump is a fan of Noels House Party so perhaps Neil will end up working at the White House? I’ll keep you posted on Neils’s ongoing adventure, hopefully at last starting the US leg of his global quest to bring ice skating and mime to the World’s rich and famous. And you can show you care by sponsoring Neil via his dad’s Deal Or No deal website or by giving us large amounts of cash in person (no coins please). Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds
Breaking Wimbledon new just in (In truth I knew last week but I’m only just reporting it)…. Local boy made good (and Wimbledon’s oldest competitor) Lionel Corky” Deptford will be playing “mixed” doubles with Andy Murray’s second cousin Sandy later today, or tomorrow if they can’t get a court to play on… It will hopefully be shown live on BBC2 or on something called red button (which I think is another word for the internet). 95 year old “Corky”, a wildcard choice to play the Grand Slam, was sadly knocked out in the first-round singles matches last week, by his own Great-Grandson, 15 year old Louis “Cocky” Lewisham. I didn’t see the match myself as it clashed with Nedal (I think), or I may have been out shopping. I’m told it was a thrilling match with Corky and his opponent Cocky having the quickest match in Wimbledon history. The completely blind Mr Deptford told me over the phone that “the little b*****d didn’t let up or give me a chance” and that his gout had been playing up… After a coughing fit he went onto add that he’d desperately needed the loo so was glad when the grudge match was over… Lionel is still almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player though his ranking has slipped to 16,174th place, in age he is second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (105 years young and currently ranked 56th), who sadly couldn’t get a flight to compete at Wimbledon. Mr Deptford went onto say his new gender-fluid doubles partner Sandy is so much better than last years (Wayne Federer, Roger’s Dad) and he hoped they’d make it to the finals. Fingers crossed. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian