Open Auditions: Vernon Kay’s All Star Family Fortunes – The Musical


The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for their next musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes, this Thursday evening at 7.30 in their rehearsal space (above Chiswicks The Fishmongers). Open to everyone, first-time director (and local celeb) Ross Kemp says he wants to find the next Will Young and Fern Cotton for this all singing, all dancing musical spectacular, which has been written for us by local celeb Vernon Kay! Are you a Will or Fern (you can actually have any name, he’s just giving them as an example of talented local people and could have easily asked for a local Justin Beiber and Lindsay Lohan). Please come along and show us what you’re made of. You must be 18 or over and have large lungs. Given the success of our last musical, Salvadore Dali, we expect to be swamped, so come early. See you Thursday, Chico (producer)

Cooper-Clarke Gig This Saturday: Skip To The Loo My Darling

Just a reminder that this Saturday sees The Macadamia Hall host the postponed John Cooper-Clarke gig. Support comes from Beckworth’s very own Lady Gaga & Margaret Thatcher tribute act Iron Lady Gaga. It sounds like a not to be missed evening and of course our revamped toilets will be on display, and hopefully working (Hence my humorous Skip To The Loo quote above).

Yours Terence Eccles. General Manager, The Macadamia Hall


(Above) John Cooper-Clarke calms his nerves pre-gig

French Market: A Success Despite Wind & Merde

Hello all. Thank you to all those who attended the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market), you made it a roaring success, and for once there was no fighting. Congratulations to Eva Bicester, who was crowned Miss Garlic 2013 between downpours, and to local celeb Noel Edmunds, who put on a wonderful display of aerial dexterity despite losing two kites due to strong winds. A big thanks goes to the waste operatives who cleared up all the horse s*** from the scout hut after all the historical re-enactors had buggered off to the pub.

G. Grimsby. Mayor


Found: Two More Trumpets

Two more trumpets have been handed into the Police station, by singer and local celeb Ronan Keating. The instruments were found nestling together in a smart black case on Houston Street not far from the mosque. But the Imam has told Community Support Officer Mohamed the trumpets are not theirs. The case has distinctive markings on it, what look like indecipherable letters spell out the words Prop Er Tyof Nig El Abb In Gdon and this is followed by a jumble of numbers 01285 356 1245. It is obviously a code of some sort, probably to do with organised crime. Maybe you saw masked men dropping said case, or maybe you are from an underworld crime gang who’re missing these instruments, either way we’d like to hear from you. Why not offer a cash reward for their safe return? Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, who is getting to grips with this mysterious musical case. (We’re still waiting to hear from the owners of another found trumpet and a flugelhorn). PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Villains, do you recognise this case of trumpets?

Public Meeting: Proposed Terry Nutkin Statue

Hello all, just a reminder that this Thursday there is a public meeting to unveil design proposals for the towns’ Terry Nutkin memorial statue. Please come and attend to help us choose the winning design. Venue: The John & Yoko Room, The Town Hall. Doors open 7.30 sharp. Refreshments and veggie nibbles will be on sale.

Thanks G. Grimsby. Mayor


(Above) One of the proposed Nutkin statue designs (by local artist Benedict Cumberbatch)

Lost: Man’s Brown Shoe, Size 11

If anyone finds a brown shoe somewhere near the market square please let me know. I think I lost it at yesterdays johnny foreigner market thing but to be honest the whole of the last week is a blur as i was out getting blootered in memory of St George and Lady Thatcher. Now I think of it, it could be absolutely anywhere, I’m not even sure if I went out wearing shoes as I started getting jolly at home. Did anyone see me in the street? Was I wearing shoes? Actually, come to think of it I may have lost a tweed jacket also.

Any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)

French Market Today

I’m looking forward to seeing you all at today’s french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market). We have one slight change to the schedule; due to The Sports Field being water-logged the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will now be staging the Battle Of Agincourt (complete with borrowed horses) in the scout hut. 

So Merci to one and all, Mayor Gary Grimsby


Beckworth Star Spot: Simon Cowell


Today I saw Simon Cowell off the telly dressed as a teletubbie (he looked very realistic with the head on. He even did the voice). He was shaking a bucket collecting money for a local hospice. What a nice man, not at all like he is on Britain’s Got Talent. He was with 3 other teletubbies on Floyd Street. I wonder if they were the other judges dressed up?