Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings
Hello Beckworth. As they say necessity is the food for the thought, so i’m just letting you all know that your favourite pub has had to close due to draconian measures to stop the spread of the Corona Virus (I thought pubs would be exempt as in times of crisis we keep every one merry and out of the shops)… But good news, we have teamed up with TV’s Greg Wallace to re-open as a green grocer. Yes, that’s right we can now sell fruit, veg alongside our bottled beers, ciders, wines, pork-scratchings, etc… Greg will run the “shop” as he’s currently unemployed like most TV people and his own shop is being redecorated. Lucky for us he’s such a talented grocery bloke and willing to teach us bar staff about marrows, plums and other stuff. So come on down, but please bring your own plastic bags and wear a mask & gloves. Cindy Carmarthen, Fruit & Veg Assistant, The Blind Badger Grocers
(Above) Resourceful Greg Wallace takes a well-earned enforced break from his fantastic TV career to sell his groceries from the pub
Hello all. I just wanted to share the offers some of Beckworth’s forward-thinking local traders are offering today in celebration of Black Friday… I’m told that Abdul’s The Chemist are offering a saving of 10% on all flavoured condoms and novelty mouthwash purchased alongside any NHS prescription… Knossos Kebabs have a 50p reduction on all kebabs if customers use the code KRAP19… Anglican Windows are offering a free door with any 30 plastic windows paid in full today… There’s half-price entry to the Banana Museum… The Lesbian And Gay And Bi-Sexual Society will be having cocktails and fannytails in the scout hut tonight (not sure if this to do with Black Friday or not?)…. Beckworth Police have a sale on their very popular “pre-loved” truncheons and handcuffs… The scouts are offering half-price “bob-a-job” when they get back home from school… The Blind Badger pub will be opening until 1am with discounts on out-of-date bar snacks… Master Gregs The Grocers are giving “a cuddle from Greg Wallace” away with every 2kg of carrots… and Fawkes Funerals have 10% off all 2nd hand coffins if ordered before 4pm today… So you’ve lots of reasons to shop locally today and support Beckworth High Street… Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce
Alright fans, how you doing? Yes. it’s me, TVs own gorgeous Greg. In celebration of National Toast Day (and as things are a bit quiet whilst i’m not presenting any top quality telly at the moment) i’m launching a new service to run alongside my Fruit & Veg rental service. I’m offering to deliver toast (with butter or without) to your home or work… It’s like having the nations’ favourite toast always on tap! I can even deliver to your mates. So why not give me a try? You can text through orders if you just can’t be arsed to phone or pop in person. So what you waiting for? Enjoy toast without the fuss today. Yours, Greg Wallace. Master Gregs the Grocers.
Alright fans, how’s it hanging? Yes. it’s me, TVs own handsome Greg. Things are a bit quiet here as i’m not presenting any high-brow TV programmes at the moment, so i’m working extra hard on my Fruit & Veg rental service. I’ve got lots of veg going off due to poor sales and as today is World Vegan Day I thought I could off load it… So if you know any veggies why not show how much you like them and rent a ruddy big box of veg for them. I’m offering to deliver, on me bike, crates of overripe “organic” veg by the hour… for up to 6 months at a time!!! I must be nuts but, for a bit of extra cash, i’ll even cover the stuff in mud so you can look like you know your way around an allotment (but without having to lift a (green) finger or get your trendy hands dirty). So why not give me a try and give your “meat and fish-fearing” chums a treat. You can even text through orders if you just can’t be arsed to phone or pop in person. So what you waiting for? Fill a vegans’ squat with borrowed foodstuffs today. Yours, Greg Wallace. Master Gregs the Grocers. Yours, Greg Wallace. Master Gregs the Grocers
Alright fans, how ya doing? It’s me, handsome Greg from off your telly. And as i’m not presenting any high-brow TV programmes at the moment i’m working extra hard on my new Fruit & Veg rental service. And get this, i’m now branching out into flowers. Just in time for Mother’s Day. That’s right, rented flowers delivered to your Mum’s door by Greg’s Fruit & Veg Hire. Simply put, i’m offering to rent out (and deliver on me bike) bundles of flowers for up to 6 months at a time!!! I must be crazy but for a bit of extra dosh i’ll even throw in a vase. So why not give me a try and give your Mum the treat she deserves this Mothering Sunday. You could even buy her a marrow or some spuds at the same time and see her little old wrinkled face light up ’cause she knows you love her lots. Yours, Greg Wallace. Master Gregs the Grocers
(Above) Why not let TV’s handsome Greg Wallace deliver rented flowers (and veg) to your dear old Mum this Sunday?
Alright fans, how ya doing? Missing me being on TV I’ll wager? Don’t worry I’ll be back on soon. In the meantime i’ve got a nifty new business venture for you… Are you too scared to invite poncy veggie friends round for a slap up dinner ’cause you only keep frozen meat in the house? Maybe you’re intimidated by cocky mates who know the difference between King Edwards and Granny Smiths? Or don’t want to look like a right muppet down the pub as you’ve said you grow your own? Maybe, just like me, you lead too hectic a celebrity life to keep fresh groceries in the house but want to impress birds with your fruit salad when you get them home after 18 pints and a ruby (a curry). If the answer is yes then my new delivery service is for you… Greg’s Fruit & Veg Hire. Simply put, i’m offering to rent out (and deliver on me bike) bowls of overripe “organic” fruit, handfuls of greens (sprouts, cabbage etc) or sacks of sad-looking spuds by the hour… for up to 6 months at a time!!! I must be nuts but, for a bit of extra cash, i’ll even cover the stuff in mud so you can look like you know your way around an allotment (but without having to lift a (green) finger or get your trendy hands dirty). So why not give me a try and give your “metrosexual” self-sufficiency image a boost. You can even text through orders if you just can’t be arsed to phone or pop in person. So what you waiting for? Fill your home with borrowed foodstuffs today. Yours, Greg Wallace. Master Gregs the Grocers
(Above) Greg Wallace doing the rounds on his bicycle delivering rented groceries to Beckworth residents earlier today