Exclusive breaking Brexit news just in… As luck would have it today I managed to get my nails done at the new nail bar on the high street (co-owned by Strictly Bake Off’s very own Sandy Toksvig and her younger brother Randy) and as I was coming out admiring my new talons I literally bumped into a very well-lubricated Stephen Tooting-Broadway, Beckworth’s Conservative MP. He was briskly exiting his second home, the betting shop on the high street, puffing distractedly on a cheroot whilst swearing loudly to himself… I can’t repeat what he said but it was very graphic and gynaecological… Anyhoo, in an exclusive interview, there and then, Mr Tooting-Broadway told me how this country was going to the dogs and how his close friend, Boris Johnson our beloved and honest PM, was the only person in Parliament standing up for the intelligent rich (and the fact they voted in droves to leave the despised despots in Europe and MPs are blocking this) … Nothing exclusive about that you may say, but he went on to say that MPs of all persuasions, leavers, remainers and can’t be arsed, are making their own post-Brexit plans… many are stock-piling drink, cigarettes, take-away menus and loo roll whilst others have bought fake passports or joined the Lib Dems. They believe that if we don’t Brexit at the end of October the great british Daily Mail & Sun reading public will riot, lock the selfish MPs in the Houses Of Parliament and probably do a Guy Fawkes… He was deadly serious and red faced as he slurred his words to me, and told me he was refusing to set foot back in Parliament until the whole ruddy farce was over. After belching very loudly he added he didn’t become a member of parliament to become burnt toast, not when he could safely perform his duty (and get paid handsomely for it) from the safe distance of a Beckworth pub…  Whilst I partook of a second Marlborough Light and he swigged on an Aldi multipack “alcopop” Stephen let slip most enlightening information that he may not have meant to; divulging that his good friend Donald Trump has offered troops to quell any disquiet in exchange for the UK becoming the 51st, or 52nd, state in the Union. At this point Mr Tooting-Broadway broke away from me and relieved himself up against a postbox. I would have dearly loved to find out more but he’d splashed my Manolos. So I briskly returned to the office to sponge off the odorous p*** and of course, because of my dedication, type up this exclusive Brexit expose for you dear reader…. I say good luck to the Prime Minister in getting us out of the corrupt sess pool that is Europe. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Unbiased Brexit Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette