Raise A Toast To Toast

Alright fans, how you doing? Yes. it’s me, TVs own gorgeous Greg. In celebration of National Toast Day (and as things are a bit quiet whilst i’m not presenting any top quality telly at the moment) i’m launching a new service to run alongside my Fruit & Veg rental service. I’m offering to deliver toast (with butter or without) to your home or work… It’s like having the nations’ favourite toast always on tap! I can even deliver to your mates. So why not give me a try? You can text through orders if you just can’t be arsed to phone or pop in person. So what you waiting for? Enjoy toast without the fuss today. Yours, Greg Wallace. Master Gregs the Grocers.

Remember Remember The 17th of February

Hello. Just a reminder that this Friday, 17th February, it’s RAOK Day (Random Acts Of Kindness day) and to celebrate with a purpose Beckworth job centre is launching it’s inaugral National Take A Goth To Work Day. This tie in is likely to become a great annual country-wide opportunity to help these noir-lovers and participants will be able to say I was there at the start… Yes it’s down to you to get these mumbling workshy doom-mongers off benefits and into full-employment, and preferably not just jobs in undertakers. It follows a trial day last year, in Doncaster, where everyone in the town had to dress as sun-avoiding Goths whilst taking a real one to work. It wasn’t a success up North but we’re still rolling it out in your local town, just without the need for all towns people to dress like they’re vampires and listen to loud music.

If your employer has signed up to the scheme you can take as many unemployed black-clad misery guts with you on Friday and have them shadow you all day to see what work is like. We currently have a shortage of companies signed up, so please help us out. We are especially short on surgeons and nurses, chartered surveyors, strippers and judges to take goths with them on Friday, so if you’re one of these get your skates on and sign up. Some poor old ashen-faced lank-haired youth is relying on you to transform their sad, pathetic life. Now that really is a random act of kindness. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

St Norris Remembered Late This Year

Hello my flock. As you probably know last Saturday, or Sunday, was the Feast of St Norris, but unfortunately due to needing a well earnt lie-in nursing a sore head yours truly couldn’t hold the traditional memorial service. So we will be having the service early Thursday morning instead and all are welcome. Please remember to wear a feather in your hat in celebration of Norris. The service will reflect on his humble syphilitic life, his kind deeds to birds and tireless service to his home town of Bognor Regis, which he kept clean of guano with his bare hands. Norris died at the age of 32 after a protracted pustulous illness and was buried at the bottom of the town’s well as was customary in the 15th century. Upon hearing of his passing the pox-riddled Pope (Jeremy XI) canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl and declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” The latter we will perform after we’ve had tea and biscuits post service. So Thursday morning sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Valentines Offers To Warm Your Sweetheart’s Heart

It’s valentines sale day today at your favourite “everything under a pound” superstore. Yes many romantic items are on offer at 99p Land, so it’s the best place to buy all your last minute romantic gifts and pretend you’ve not forgotten. We’ve many discounted lines, marked with a pink cross, so get along to 99p Land before we close at 10pm. Many damaged items at an unbelievable 10% off. Yes, that’s a fabulous 10% off a few old sale items, that are sure to bring happiness to your lover’s desires… Why not buy a dozen slightly wilting red roses, out of date boxes of chocolates, men’s “pre-loved” posing pouches or flavoured condoms from China. We’re open now so get along now to get that romantic item. Bim Gujranwala. Manager. 99p Land

A Sweet Model Railway Plea

Dear all. After a rather quiet few months i’m very pleased to say that Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and his son Heston Blumenthal are at last back working on their enormous “Fudgeworth” model village (a scale model of Beckworth made entirely of fudge). But having tired of just making accurate buildings and people out of the sugar-derived building material the celebrity chefs have set their sites on something really mind-blowing. Heston’s Dad told me over a few shandys “we want to mobilise the miniature inhabitants of Fudgeworth and the real people of Beckworth by building a sit-on model railway around the town. Made of toffee.” Between pints he added “But we need all of Beckworth’s residents to stop being so lazy and move their lardy a***s into their kitchens… They need to make at least twenty-five kilograms of toffee each to get this part of the model finished in time for Christmas 2018. Or the year after”… So let’s get baking Beckworth, Heston and his Pa need you. And as we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access and newly-painted fire extinguishers there’s no excuse for differently-abled residents and the unemployed not personally delivering toffee. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel


(Above) Creative chefs Heston and Anthony practicing constructing a toffee train

Royal Star Spot

I’ve just seen French King XIV coming out of the local hairdressers after getting his hair permed (it’s half price Wednesdays for OAPs). I think he was surprised that I recognised him, but he caught my eye in his robes and crown. He looked a proper 17th century dandy and did that Royal wave that only nobility do as he got on the bus home. Cheers, Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym


(Above) The Sun King of France as seen earlier today