The Scouts & Guides On Parade

Dear all, just a reminder that this Sunday the local scout and guide troupes will be marching to and from the church in memory of scout founder Enoch “Baden” Powell. It’s almost three hundred years since local politician Mr Baden started his “brown-shirt” scout movement in his garden shed and as is traditional we are honoured to have head of the scouts Bob Geldof once again leading the parade.

See you Sunday. Thanks Tony Grimsby, Group Scout Leader


(Above) The Patron Saint of Scouting, Sir Bob-A-Job Geldof

Strike Warning

Hello. Just thought i’d let forewarn you all that the council’s IT department is due to have it’s annual strike around the 24th July. This year’s strike has been agreed with management as staff are unreasonably demanding the right to work from home on all weekday afternoons. We are a very fair employer but this demand is not really feasible as neither of the IT-ers have internet at home, although they do have Sky, paid for by the council (negotiated during last year’s strike). Also the IT duo already “work” Friday afternoons from home so they can enjoy both lunch time and happy hour in The Bear & Pumpkin pub. So, we’re hoping to go to arbitration in early August to resolve this year’s IT strike amicably and quickly. Sorry in advance for any inconvenience caused, G. Grimsby. Mayor

Ancient Art Object Dug Up

Hello. Those of you with an interest in history, and art, will be thrilled at the news of a pre-historic artifact found by local gardener Alan Titmarsh that is likely to be put on display in the library. Mr Alan was tending his plums at the allotments yesterday when he inadvertently dug up a rusted and twisted metal object, which at first sight he thought to be old railings. Luckily instead of selling the metal to eastern European scrap dealers he called in the experts. Beckworth’s Historical Society. And, although we haven’t had the finding carbon dated yet, we are as pleased as punch to announce that the metal is hundreds of thousands of years old (if not millions) and is most likely a crude bronze-age sculpture. Probably of a horse. Or at a push a very ropey goat. It’s amazing to think it’s been safely buried under the allotments since dinosaurs roamed through Beckworth looking for people to eat. The sculpture needs a damn good clean and a bit of repair work but it’s a very important find. Mr Alan is thrilled at the find although it’s not his first whilst gardening. Just last year he found an old Roman wrought-iron garden-gate under his spuds which he sold to the British Museum. Thanks, Bill Christchurch. Beckworth Historical Society.

Beckworth_Iron Age Sculpture

(Above) The sculpture of a horse. Or Goat. Dug up by a local gardener yesterday

MidSummer Madness At Maccy D’s When Drunk Druids Damage The Drive-In

News Just In… Beckworth’s summer solstace celebrations sadly took a turn for the worst yesterday and ended in a number of arrests. All was going swimmingly; families of nude pagans saw the sun rise at the Hammerite Stones as they have for centuries, then spent the day dancing naked through the stones, enjoying animal sacrifice, watching the Beckworth Bothamers performing morris dances and skinny dipping with horses and cattle in the river. There was the traditional “marriage” of Beckworth’s Maiden In White to the Old Slocombe Codger and in the evening the burning of a wicker effigy of the Old Dick of Beckworth. Mummers enacted mystery plays for 18 hours non-stop and music was performed by local naturist folk bands with an acoustic  Status Quo stripping off to headline. But when the sun set above the stones all hell broke loose. A gang of hungry naturist Druids descended on the 22hr McDonalds  drive-thru and caused tens of pounds worth of damage. They then refused to leave until the restaurant promised to stop selling meat products and become a purely vegetarian outlet. Police were called and promptly arrived two hours later, whereupon the naughty naked pagans were locked in the cells overnight “for their own safety”. They are due up in court later today, so I’ll keep you posted on this most heinous of hate crimes. Christine Batley. Chief Naked Nutters Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) A hungover Druid pictured earlier today whilst awaiting his/her day in court

Celebrate The Longest Father’s Day With A Kebab

Hey you lucky people, we’ve just remembered that today Is both Father’s Sunday and the “longest day” so we will be staying opening extra late to cater for the after-the-pubs-shut clientelle. We’ll be offering a one day only all you can eat offer (from the salad bowl only) for all father’s purchasing a large donar kebab, large fries and a greek beer. Also, after 9.30 tonight we’ll be putting on a strip show and have some greek music playing to really make the day extra special. All for just £24.99. At this crazy price why go anywhere else? So sons and daughters bring all your father’s, and grandfathers. See you later.

Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs


BBC Announce Inspired Money-Saving Idea

News Just In… The BBC have just announced their latest cost-cutting plans which will enable them to save a few pounds here and there but most importantly boost Chris Evans’ wages. The most enterprising idea is to pool resources by combining some of their most successful programmes, thus halving the number of staff needed… The first channel to see these improvements will be BBC1 where daytime programming will this summer roll out some very special new series. Announced today are Pointless Doctors, Bargain In The Country, Breakfast In The Attic, and News Under The Hammer. I can’t wait to see these as i spend most of my working day watching telly… and more are due to be announced in the next week or so. Christine Batley. Chief Addicted To Day Time TV Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) The BBC’s highest paid star Mr Chris Evans appears delighted on hearing his pay rise is secure thanks to savings to made elsewhere in the corporation

Celebrate Magna Carta With The Under-Fives & A Beer

This is a message to all of you who like to get drunk whilst viewing great historical articles… And after waiting weeks for one alcoholic celebration to come along, we actually have two at once. For today we will be raising a glass or five to honour the Magna Carta, which was first printed locally 800 years (by Ye Pronto Printe) and is now on view at our local nursery school on the “projects desk”. And secondly we’re supporting today’s International Beer Day. To mark both occasions your friendliest ale house will be hosting a day long beer tasting within a marquee in the kindergarten school yard. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue


(Above) A pocket-sized copy of the Magna Carta, currently on loan from the British Library to Beckworth Nursery School’s Show & Tell

Star Spot

I’ve just seen the animated stars of The Simpsons queuing up to use the pop-up urinals in the high street. It’s not everyday you see cartoon characters relieving themselves, but it just shows the realism that goes into the show. The drawn actors looked exhausted, even their yellow skin and Marge‘s colourful hair looked faded, which shows how hard they must work on the programme. Word on the street is they are filming an episode where Homer moves to Beckworth having temporarily left the family home and taken up with an English whore. Thank you, Alan

Beckworth_The Simpsons_Family

(Above) The Simpsons kindly pose for a photo whilst waiting patiently to use the loo

Local Tourist Attraction Re-Opens

Dear all. Just a reminder that the town is expecting an influx of tourists next week when Beckworth’s premier attraction Derek Peculiar’s House Of Peculiarities reopens after a five-year £155 refurb. Mr Derek’s nephew, Hugh Grant, will reopen his dead Uncle’s life work on Monday, with free entry for the first two punters. So he’s execting quite a queue. Welder and amateur psychic Mr Peculiar originally opened the “museum of the strange” in 1975 to share his collection of odd things from around the world with the public. The repainted wooden house will once again give pride of place to showcasing his unique collection of scale models made from elastic bands. I can’t wait to visit on Monday. Or another day if I’m busy watching day time telly. Yours Natalie Clifton, Tourist Information

Beckworth_Hugh Grant

(Above) Hugh Grant looks forward to reopening his Uncle’s World famous House Of Peculiarities next week

Planners Say An Emphatic Yes! Yes! To New Factory

Good morning to you all. The Beckworth trade guild are delighted to announce that planners have approved the demolition of the 12th century Slocombe Priory to make way for a new factory, creating dozens of jobs locally for the expected influx of foreign workers. The new manufacturing site will be built and operated by Paxmans to build their popular “personal hygene” products, in particular their best selling “Vag-O-Vac” and must have “3-speed vibrating “hair” trimmer with genital massager” the Yes! Yes!. A spokesperson for the company said that tax breaks and bribes had incentified the move from China and they were gagging to get started as the UK market for “sexual hygene” was potentially huge. We at the guild are thrilled that Beckworth and it’s environs are at the forefront of a new “adult-orientated” industrial revolution, all thank’s to enlightened Tory policies. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Beckworth_Yes! Yes!

(Above) The world famous Yes! Yes! as advertised on daytime TV and in downmarket newspapers is soon to be made near Beckworth