Local Athlete Starts Her Epic Journey To Rio… And Gold

Breaking Olympiad news just in… Local would-be gold-medalist Bethany Folkestone waved goodbye to friends and family earlier this morning when she departed these shores set for the 2016 Olympics Games in Rio. Flying alone from Beckworth airport on the first part of her journey she hopes to arrive in the Ukraine in time to catch a cheap connecting flight from Kyiv Boryspil Airport. The transatlantic journey to Rio is estimated at 63-hours, give or take or a day.  Extremely tall and plucky eight-year old Bethany, who passes for someone twice her age hence how she can compete in the Olympics, is the UK’s brightest hope in both the freeform and co-ordinated routine skipping disciplines. She already has a Brownie badge for skipping and four local and county level certificates to her name (though two are for swimming and one for keeping her bedroom tidy for a whole week). We wish Bethany well in Brazil and hope she gets there in time for the opening ceremony. Christine Batley. Chief Rope Jumping Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) Olympic hopeful Bethany Folkestone in training earlier this week

“Award Winning” Simian Circus Show Rolls Into Town

Dear all. This weekend the World’s premier primate entertainment extravaganza will be coming to Beckworth and it promises to be an amazing show for the whole family and pets. This is the first time that China’s Monkey Magic has come to these shores, after being banned for the past 47 years, and we are honoured that our town is their first port of call on this inaugural tour. The show is now allowed in the UK as it has allegedly been given a clean bill of health by China’s own health & safety experts and is claimed to have “won” 3 or 4 animal hygiene certificates, plus an “award for the the best use of monkeys in a Chinese state sponsored show”. The shows will take place in a borrowed circus-tent pitched on the sports field and tickets for each dazzling show are £125 per adult or £55.50 for children under three. A press release, translated from Mandarin, claims the two-hour long show “is staged entirely by apes and the audience should expect to see violence, swearing, urinating on stage and scenes of simian nudity.” It goes on to give lurid details of the acts which include “motorbike-riding gorillas performing dangerous stunts whilst smoking pot and drinking; orangutan “clowns“ throwing excrement at the audience; baboons Bing and his wife Bong the world famous lion tamers; high-wire displays by an acrobatic gang of unruly gibbons (one even gets fired out of a canon, extra impressive as there’s no safety net!!); sword-swallowing juggling contortionist macaques; and stars of the show three bike-riding chimpanzees. All compered by star of Hong Kong reality TV, Herman. A renowned chain-smoking capuchin who once went into orbit around the moon for a month courtesy, of the Russian space federation.” The press release added a five star review by “The president of China’s neighbour North Korea, Kim Jong-un, who described the circus as being just like a real Planet Of The Apes. In a tent” As a footnote its also mentioned that “if the house band gets through quarantine they will be a flamenco group made up of rescue apes” which is very commendable! Monkey Magic sounds like it’ll be a real hoot, just like a circus should be. So see you there. Yours Natalie Clifton, Tourist Information

Beckworth_Chimps on a bike

(Above) Stars of Monkey Magic, bike-riding sisters Shu, Ting, and Blanks

Ancient Common Land Gets Redevelopment Go-Ahead

Good evening to you all. The Beckworth trade guild are delighted to announce that local entrepreneur, and ex-barrow boy made good, Sir Philip “Phil” Green got some well deserved good news in the post today. The local council have at last approved his local housing development of 85 luxury town houses, which will give jobs to a dozen or so local builders. Sir Phil has been pushing to build these “Chelsea Harbour-like” nine story concrete and steel dwellings for the last 2 years, and at last the petty-minded left-wing green-loving commy planning department has seen sense and caved in to his demands. The beautiful gated-community will be built on the picturesque and ancient one-acre of common-land (adjacent to the village pond), known locally as Sir Philip Green’s Green. Plucky Sir Phil, inventor of the green shield stamps, bought the plot from the council for £1 back in 2012 with the proviso he’d mow the grass and never build on it. But clever Lord Green opened up some loop holes so the town can get benefit from an influx of foreign investors who are unlikely to ever live in the buildings, or pay tax. Mr Phil phoned me from his luxury yacht to tell me “After all the trumped-up nonsense about BHS it’s great to get some positive news as i sail around the Med getting an all over tan… As they say every cloud has a silver lining. Or in my case untraceable offshore 24 carat gold.” Well done to Mr Phil, a hero for capitalism. Yours, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce


(Above) The clearly unloved Sir Philip Green’s Green is to be redeveloped at long last

Open Day At School Of Mime & Shadow Puppetry

Hello. Just to let you know that next Tuesday Beckworth’s world famous “gesture acting” establishment, The Milli Vanilli School Of Mime & Shadow Puppetry, will be quietly throwing open it’s doors to the public. It’s part of the Government’s ongoing, but so far unsuccessful, national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job initiative. The scheme offers bone-idle job-seekers a one day hands-on experience of work, and due to expected low turn-out they can even bring their friends and families. The only rule whilst attending the £52,000 a term school is that there is no speaking or sounds allowed, communication is through mime or shadow hand-signals only. Co-owner of the famous school, Mr Albert Milli, has said he will show anyone who can be arsed to turn up the rudiments of his patented high-brow “Milli mime” whilst his partner Mr Reg Vanilli will be teaching basic shadow puppetry and running the school’s canteen. It’s bound a thrilling day out for all the family and there will food available all day to buy and consume silently, plus for the under-fives a ball-pool in the stair well. It really will be a wonderful day, so see you there.

More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

Beckworth_Milli Vanilli

(Above) A clearly excited Mr Milli and Mr Vanilli at their “acting” school earlier today

Fly Tippers Caught In The Flagrant Act Of Tipping Flies

Breaking fake insect news just in… After months of constant surveillance work, Police today caught audacious fly-tippers in the act of fly-tipping just off the A43036 between the Little Chef and The Berni Inn. The two fly-tippers, identified only by their names and addresses, were caught literally “with their flies down!” They were observed by a dozen under-cover detectives dressed as nuns (so as not to be spotted) fly-tipping a ton and a half of disgarded fly-fishing flies. These they disgorged from their untaxed truck into the fly-infested drainage ditch under the flyover. The plucky coppers waited until the truck was empty and then arrested the duo as they relieved themselves. Recognised as part-time petty criminals, and keen but unsuccessful fishermen, Dave “David” Stewartson and Stewart “Stew” Davidson of Slocombe, the twosome will be up in court next week. A ruggedly-handsome Police spokesperson told me over a shandy “We’ll be hoping for a long custodial sentence to keep this scum off our streets and to act as a deterrent to any other would be fly-fishers”. Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_Fishing Fly

(Above) One of the haul of fishing flies caught earlier today

Local Ladies Rise To The Top In Politics

Breaking hustings news just in… Today has been quite something for Beckworth in the world of politics, with not one but two of our townsfolk having close relatives making great strides in Parliament. First was the announcement that Eddie The Eagles’ adopted Mum Angela Eagle (who lives above the grocers on Madonna Lane) is to challenge Jeremy “Jez The Jezzster” Corbyn’s leadership of the labour party later today… And then came the Tory bombshell that the sister of local astrologer and guitar-tuner Brian May is to become the next leader of the conservation party. In fact, ex-plumbers daughter, Theresa May is to be prime minister of the whole country. Or at least what’s left of it. So congratulations to both local families and here’s hoping that Mrs May will boost the chances of HS2 making a 200 mile detour eastwards towards Beckworth, thus improving the town’s tourism and pushing house prices up. Christine Batley. Chief Political Reporter. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) A clearly excited Angela The Eagle and her adopted son Eddie The Eagle at Beckworth’s dry ski slope earlier today

This Century’s Most Important Archialogogical Find Is Found Locally

Breaking old cookware news… Local amateur archaeologists have unearthed what is being described, by other amateur archaeologists, as the find of the century. The local amateur archaeologists were mindlessly digging around in the sandpit in the children’s playground when they discovered what appeared to be some broken pottery in amongst the disguarded syringes and used condoms. Once they had dug out the remains and repaired to a real-ale pub they realised the real magnitude of their find. It appears our local bearded heroes have discovered the world’s oldest casserole dish. One of these chaps (it’s always blokes isn’t it) said “It probably dates back a few hundred years, to the bronze age or whatever a really old time long ago is called.” he then added “Until now chef’s thought the casserole dish was had been invented in the 19th century by Louis Pasteur (the father of one pot cookery), so this find turns history on his head. We’ll be getting it carbon dated to date it precisely and then, we are hoping to have it glued back together by next Easter so we can start cooking in it again. Just as our ancestors did.” Christine Batley. Chief Pot Boiler Reporter. Beckworth Guardian070314-F-3231D-073

(Above) Local history people dig up the ancient casserole dish

Beckworth_Casserole Dish

(Above) an artists impression of how the ancient casserole dish would most likely have looked in ancient times



St Struttock’s Day Tomorrow

Hello my flock. May I please remind you all that tomorrow is Saint Struttock’s day and as he’s one of our parish saints we will be spending 24 hours in adherence of his Will. His last wish as he coughed his final saintly breath was: “That all my followers must crawl around on all fours, whilst reciting the Struttock Psalm, on the anniversary of my death. Unless it falls on a weekend.” Please join us in our marathon display of devotion as we scuttle around the church repeatedly shouting his psalm “Struttock, Dear Struttock. May The Lord Strike Me Down, If I Ever Sit On My Buttocks.” As you know, local window-cleaner and 4th century Saint, Adrian Theodore De Struttock (to give him his full name) is the patron saint of knees and kneeling and lived his entire life with his hands and knees permanently on the ground. He is also acknowledged as the inventor of arthritis and hassocks. And some claim he was the world’s first wearer of long trousers. The day long adherence begins at midnight tonight and I trust we will see you ALL of the church then. May God and Saint Struttock Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths


(Above) A hassock pictured earlier today (a stuffed-cushion for kneeling, invented by St Struttock many years ago)

Shorn On The Fourth Of July

Breaking follicle new just in… In celebration of American Independence Day tomorrow a horse-drawn mobile hairdressers will be parading through the town in the morning before setting up shop on the sports field. It is an authentic “settlers” style wagon equipped with authentic blunt hair-trimming and shearing equipment and will be offering discounted GI and prairie style haircuts for young, old, boys and girls, ladies, gents, and sheep plus lice-removal and smallpox cures. They’ll also be selling 1776 period-style hot dogs (made of real dogs just like the settlers ate) and moonshine… and I hear they do bikini-waxes out the back if you ask nicely! It’ll be a great day out for the whole family, so miss it at your peril… Christine Batley. Chief Short Back & Sides Reporter. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) An artist’s impression of the hair dresser’s old wagon in town tomorrow