Trick Or Treating Banned This Halloween

Hello. It is with a heavy heart that I have to inform all residents that I have taken Police advice and have banned trick or treating from Beckworth this Halloween. This comes after year on year increases of muggings by under 10s on the town’s ageing population and a fear that the night has been highjacked by far-right yummy-mummys and by Satan worshipping youth clubs. I hope this won’t adversly effect your enjoyment of all-hallows eve. G. Grimsby. Mayor

Six children in costumes trick or treating at woman's house

(Above) A gang of young Satan worshippers intimidating a poor Beckworth resident on her doorstep last year

Beckworth Bob-A-Job Bingo Week

Dear all, just a gentle reminder that this half-term holiday it’s Bob-A-Job week, so please, no hiding when the cubs, scouts, brownies and guides come knocking. This week, in addition to the usual door to door protection rackets, extortion and black mail, the children will be trying to raise vast amounts of money playing a game of their own invention, bob-a-job “doorstep” bingo. I am unclear of the rules but am told it should be lots of fun. I must also stress that due to the childrens’ ages this falls outside of the gaming laws so please treat it as a bit of fun (i.e. there’s no come back back if you don’t get full house). So please give generously, as the children want to build a soft- play area (to be named in honour of their leader Lord Bob Geldof) with the proceeds.

Thanks Tony Grimsby, Group Scout Leader


(Above) Head of the Worlds’ Scouting Movement, Bob-A-Job Geldof, looking forward to having a ball-pool named after him

Caught Out By Cheap Champagne, Strictly & The Clock’s Changing

Hello my flock. As you will no doubt have noticed I was absent from the church service this morning and for that I beg your forgiveness. As God is my witness I have a good excuse, which I hope you will read before judging me. Last night the Bishop held a little “Strictly” party, which as the champers overflowed and my attempts at dancing got a little out of hand I blacked out due to over-excitement. The guests helped the Bishop put me to bed in his guest room and then forgot about me… When I awoke it was morning, 7.30 by my watch, and I was still a little worse for wear. I managed to get a bus home to the vicarage whereupon I remembered it was time to change the clocks, but I foolishly put them forward not back. To cut a long story short by the time I arrived at the Church the wafers and wine had been devoured and everyone had gone home. As I said i hope you will forgive me, and trust I will see you all at six for evensong. Yours Rev C Knutsford. St Faith’s

Beckworth_Vicar In A Tutu

(Above) Me on the way to the Bishop’s party last night

Diwali Celebrations Go Off With A Bang

Hello. It was literally all “hands to the pump” last night when Diwali celebrations on the playing fields took an unfortunate turn for the worse. The impressive fireworks display, organised by Taylor Swift to publicise her new album, had drawn a crowd of tens of admirers when one of the fireworks went off course and landed on the portaloo outside the dentists. No one took any action as the plastic building smouldered but unbeknown to spectators who’d gathered to watch the smoke and flames the loo contained a lethal build up of methane, which after half an hour exploded. Luckily quick thinking Bim Gujranwala, the manager of the nearby 99p Land shop (who have ideal Diwali gifts on sale) rushed out with bottles of lemonade which he sold to bystanders who rapidly doused the fire. Well done to hero Bim. The devastation caused was minimal but windows close by shattered and one poor man’s wig blew into a tree (which the fire brigade promise to get down when they get their fire engine back from the garage). All in all the improvised “bonfire” was a splendid way to round off the evenings festival of light celebrations. Christine Batley. Chief Diwali Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) The portaloo damaged by Dewali fireworks

Apprenticeship Goes Up In Smoke

Dear all. Well, what a travesty of justice last night’s episode of The Apprentice was. I’m sure you’ll agree that Lord Sugar made a big mistake firing my cousin, the Kajagoogoo tribute act, Jack-A-GooGoo. Jack and Mr Sugar had been getting on famously until a few days ago and was believed to be a shoe-in as 2014 winner. But my cousin was appalled at this weeks’ task, having to make and sell poncey candles, and so borrowing Sugar’s credit card he buggered off to buy a pub in Bognor Regis. Jack only spent £250,000, which he quite rightly says was just an advance on his winnings, but Alan wasn’t happy (he doesn’t like Bognor) and so fired his top apprentice. What a silly bugger!! Still it’s not all bad as Jack is being allowed to keep the pub, which he and Nick Hewer hope to turn into a Kajagoogoo themed bar before Christmas.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, pub barmaid and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)


(Above) Jacks new family-friendly pub in Bognor Regis

A Second King’s Remains Found In Car Park

Hello. Who could have imagined that finding the remains of King Richard lll in a car park would ignite the whole country’s interest in archeology and parking bays. Digging up similar sites in search of buried monarchs has become the favoured past time of the dirty unemployed, but until now such digs have only led to prosecutions, for trespass and willful damage, with no dead bodies being found. That was until a few weeks ago when a local amateur “TimeTeam” took it upon themselves to start digging in Beckworth’s multi-storey car park. Much to everyone’s surprise on day six of the dig, just after team leader Vernon Kay‘s run in with Police over his use of abusive language, a body was found just beneath the surface of floor 3 near the lifts. The body was carefully exhumed using a JCB digger and a wheel barrow and taken to a posh university in Oxford or Cambridge or somewhere like that for tests. When the results came back this week everyone was astonished. The skeleton was found to be that of a 3’7″ tall female, who had died of flatulence at the age of 19, and is almost certainly that of King Henry Vlll. Henry is known, through court records, to have been a keen cross dresser and amateur ballet dancer, but it now appears that he was in fact a she. Because being a Queen in the 1600′s was frowned upon experts believe she took the name Henry and lived life as a bloke, with no one ever knowing until now (apart from his “wives” who he conveniently found ways of silencing). The head of the Church of England, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, was quoted as saying “God knows who we’ve got buried in Henry’s grave in Westminster Cathedral” before adding “we’ll probably have to dig it up and dump this ruddy interloper’s body somewhere else to make room for the real King… it’s going to be a major headache and ruin the polished stone floor.” So what a discovery on our doorstep, and it confirms historian Tony Robinson‘s belief that car parks were our ancestors favoured burial site for their Kings (and Queens). Channel Five are now planning a Joey Essex hosted documentary to be shown on Christmas Day. Christine Batley. Chief Dead Monarch Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) The scientist’s facial reconstruction of King Henry III brings the monarch back to life and will be exhibited in the library near the broken water-fountain

Apprentice: Missing In Action

Dear all. If like me you were wondering where my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was in last night’s episode of The Apprentice, fear not. Jack had spent so much time “getting to know” the other apprentices after the first task that on the day of the second one he was sleeping off a hangover and missed the whole thing. Jack has smoothed things over his new BFF’s Nick Hewer and Lord Sugar and hopes to back on our screens next week, that’s if he doesn’t over do the partying!!

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, business partner and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)


(Above, far left) Jack manages to find time between sessions in the pub to get photographed with his fellow Apprentices

Apprentice In The Pub

Dear all. I hope you all caught the first episode of The Apprentice last night which my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was starring in it. Jack didn’t feature too much in the programme due to clever editting, and the fact that genius Jack spent most of the task (which would have involved him dressing as a hotdog) by staying in the pub with Nick Hewer and Lord Sugar. My cousin’s tactic is to keep a low profile, befriend the “judges” and therefore keep out of the boardroom. Jack sent me a sneaky text last night saying Mr Sugar is actually a top bloke in real life and bought Jack and Nick drinks and fags all day. He’s also quite small in real life and needed a step ladder to get onto his bar stall. Anyway, keep your eyes peeled for Jack next week, though if there’s hard work involved you’ll no doubt find him back in the pub with Nick and Alan!

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, business partner and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)


(Above) Sir Sugar orders another round of drinks earlier today for his BFF’s Jack and Nick

Local Lad On The Apprentice

Dear all. Don’t go anywhere without a telly tonight as my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo will be starring in the new series of The Apprentice. This is the sixth year Jack has tried to get on the programme and his stalking Sir Sugar has finally paid off. Fingers crossed Jack wins as the prize is about a million quid, which would pay off most of Jack’s “loans” and get us on a World cruise.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, business partner and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)


(Above) This years’ hopeful Apprentices prepare for the new series which starts tonight

Take Off Bake Off

Dear all. Going by all the emails and letters i’ve been getting you are all still as outraged as me that my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was booted off The Great British Bake Off last week. Many of us (including the hosts of the show) lost money at the bookies over it. Jack really should be on telly tonight winning the final, not watching it in the pub whilst drowning his sorrows. I’m thinking of starting a campaign to have the programme taken off air tonight such is my disgust at Jack’s treatment. And he was such a sure winner that the TV Times still have him on the cover of this week’s issue! Always the optimist Jack has got onto The Apprentice next week, and has applied for Dragon’s Den (though he’s not got an invention yet) and Grand Designs (he’s thinking of repainting his shed). So you’ll see plenty of Jack on TV as of next Wednesday.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)Beckworth_TV_Times_Mag

(Above) The TV Times which accidentally still features would-be winner Jack (just above the vicar in Grantchester)