All-Hallows Service Tomorrow

Dear flock. Just to remind you that tomorrow morning’s All Hallows (All Saints) Day service will be starting slightly later than usual at (11.15am) as I am getting my first tatoo inked first thing. I’ve drawn it myself and i’m pretty chuffed with it, even the bishop approves (it’s of the Marks & Spencer’s St Michael’s logo, so it combines my love of M&S pants and of the real Saint St Michael).

As for the service, please gather outside the church at 11.10 and we will all skip into the church singing When The Saints Go Marching In and as usual we hope to be accompanied by the local prison brass band (if they don’t all try to escape as they have in the past). Please remember to come to the service dressed as your favourite saint  and carry a carved-out tomato as a lantern (for this is the ancient Christian tradition on All Hallows before everyone turned to pumpkins). See you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Beckworth-St Michael

(Above) The inspiration for the vicar’s religious tatoo

New Meridian Line Found. Probably

The Beckworth Meridian Line

Good day Beckworth. This is a momentous day for the whole town, in fact for the whole World, as i have possibly discovered the true position of the meridian line. Known as Longitude 0º, for years it was thought the Meridian of the World cut right through an old folks home in Greenwich, London, until they recently discovered they were a few feet out and it actually ran through a tatoo-parlour… But whilst out running I’ve found they were at least 150 miles out. For I have today found, and photographed, what will probably become known as the real Meridian. At present it is just a humble white line but it is likely to be of such scientific significance that I believe Beckworth should nurture it and turn into a tourist attraction. And a longitude based theme park. Just think most atlases, globes and maps will surely have to be corrected so the meridian cuts through Beckworth not Greenwich… Even time itself may have to be changed… I’ll have to ask Prof Brian Cox when I next see him in the barbers getting his beautiful hair teased into place and let you know…. Yours sincerely Alan Stroud. Discoverer of The Beckworth Meridian

Dear Prof Clocks Why Are The Cox Still Changing?

Hello all, your beloved Prof Brian Cox here. As per usual you lot are asking me to waste my precious time answering the same scientifically tedious questions, year in year out. I’m talking about why twice a year you ask why do the clocks change. If I had a fiver for all the times i’ve told you the answer i’d have enough to buy a CD of the Best of (my old band) Tears For Fears. So this year i’m just going to say read my previous blogs on the matter… Why not ask me something deep like “why is the air see-through” or “what is the best way to keep one’s hair looking immaculate?” In the mean time i’m going to enjoy an extra hour in bed before having Sunday lunch round at the “palace” of my good celebrity pals Charles and Camilla…. No doubt i’ll be back answering your insipid queries soon, so keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.


(Above) A Tears For Fears Best of available from all good petrol stations

Trick Or Treating, Despite Protests Ban Will Go Ahead

Good morning Beckworth. I’m sorry to impart bad news, especially as it falls on the day of Strictly, but I have to inform all residents that I have taken Police advice and banned trick or treating once again… It is the only way of keeping Beckworth safe this Halloween and comes after yet another year on year increases of muggings by under 10s. The town’s ageing population already live in fear of clowns and now worry that Halloween night has been highjacked by far-right yummy-mummys and by Satan worshipping youth clubs. I hope the ban won’t effect your enjoyment of all-hallows eve. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor


(Above) Terrifying scenes like this will banned this Halloween

Local Outrage Over Heathrow Expansion Plans

Good midday to you all. I’m sure I speak for us all when I say the whole of Beckworth is apoplectic with rage over the announcement that this Government has turned-tail and given Heathrow Airport the go ahead for expansion. After saying it never would… Why was it not our airport? I hear you ask in unison. You may remember that earlier this year, or was it last, we were shocked to read an independently biased report (paid for by Heathrow Airport) into the future of London’s airports, which not-surprisingly gave Heathrow the nod. But once the dust had settled and many “sweeteners” had been paid to the “right” people we were given assurances that the town was now the number one choice to become the UK’s biggest airport. And we’d even promised to build a cafe, fake-tudor pub and duty-free shop inside a new terminal… On top of that we offered to lay on twice daily buses to the nearest train station, where passengers could catch delayed, full trains that go quite close to London. But it seems to no avail. We will of course appeal, or at least ask for our “bribes” back. The Beckworth guild have campaigned tirelessly to have an international airport sighted in the brown fields on the edge of the town and we, the “little people,” will not be passed over quietly. So please sign the petition “Beckworth Still Wants A Big Airport. Or At Least A Runway,” which will be on view in many of the town’s shops from today. Or allow yourself to be harassed by a chugger on the high street. Let’s fight together. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Beckworth Airport

(Above) A local artist’s plans for the proposed Beckworth International Airport as submitted, along with bungs of money, to the Government’s commission


Low-Key Allen Key Celebrations Today

Dear all. As you probably know Floyd street will be partially closed today, near the site of the ongoing fracking, as we reach the low-key climax of this year’s Allen Key Post- Centenary Celebrations. For those with short memories, it was 103 years ago last week that local lock-smiths (and cousins) Cyril Key and Norris Allen invented their world famous large “hex keys.” (For the full story please see the blog dated 21 October 2013). Descendants of the Allen and Key families are planning to spend today singing traditional allen key-based songs and selling cheap novelty gifts made from recycled allen keys. A must see will be the newly formed Allen Key Display team, led by local hardman Ross Kemp, performing their death defying allen key based stunts. So come on down, it’s not often you’ll get to see original allen keys in action. So see you there. Yours Natalie Clifton, Beckworth Tourist Information


(Above) Mr Key and Mr Allen’s prototype keys made a hundred years ago. Probably

Christmas and Smoking Fairs This Weekend

Hello all. Just a reminder that this coming Saturday and Sunday the town will be hosting it’s annual Smokers Fair in the Market Square, and as with previous years it coincides with a traditional Germanic ”Weihnachten” Christmas Fair. With tens of stalls lining the high street it’s sure to be a wonderful weekend for nicotine addicts and sauerkraut lovers of all ages and the ideal place to do all your festive shopping.

All the events will be held outdoors, with the exception of the pot smokers pottery classes and sausage making drop-in sessions which will both take place in a shed behind the abbatoir.

Great news for all the family; the pubs will be open from 8am Saturday and stay open until 11.30pm on Sunday night to cater for the expected coachloads of heavy drinking, lederhosen wearing, teutonic smokers.


Battle Re-Enactment Tomorrow (After Work)

Just a reminder that tomorrow, from 6pm, we will be recreating the The Battle Of Hastings on the sports field. Due to members’ feigned-illnesses and TV’s screening of Bake-Off – An Extra Slice, last Friday’s large and ambitious reenactment had to be postponed… We successfully performed it last year and the sixteen of us performing tomorrow reckon this years will be even better. We’ve even got mock up tanks and rocket-launchers this year to add to the drama. I won’t give away the ending of the battle, but if you want to know who wins get down to the sports field Tuesday eve and see for yourself. The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors


(Above) An artists impression of today’s Battle Of Hastings re-enactment

Ex-One Direction Tribute Act Splits-Up Due To A Lack Of Cereal

Just to let you know that tonight’s much anticipated Zayn Panic (Zayn Malik tribute) gig has been cancelled after the one-man band split-up over breakfast. Zayn Panic’s 53 year old vocalist and multi-instrumentalist Dave has cited musical differences and a lack of Frosties as a reason for the split. Once voted “Birmingham’s Thirteenth Best Zayn Malik tribute band” by readers of The Daily Mail Dave says he may reform as a Harry Styles tribute later in the week. Tickets are still available for tonight’s cancelled concert and are an ideal present for collectors of unused One Direction ephemera.

Yours Terence Eccles. General Manager, The Macadamia Hall


(Above) The Zayn Malik tribute act who sadly split up earlier today

US Presidential Candidate Hopeful Of Opening His First Shop In UK

Good mid afternoon to you all. I’m sure I speak for us all when I say we as a town are overjoyed that the next President of The USA, Sir Donald Trump is to planning to open his first UK shop here in Beckworth. Sir Donny, as he likes his staff to call him, has asked for planning-permission to build a branch of his successful equestrian and hair-piece superstore, Stirrups & Syrups, in the grounds of Beckworth Castle. We are hoping the council see fit to allow the plans to go ahead as it will bring about 6 jobs to the town… Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce


(Above) X marks the spot where Sir Trump hopes to build his huge store